"You are a prize. You haven't waited this long to just... settle." Photo / Getty Images
"You are a prize. You haven't waited this long to just... settle." Photo / Getty Images
1. Unless a man is gay, married or dead...
... you have to fancy him or you will endure a chorus of, "See? You are impossibly picky. You have to learn to compromise." No matter that he clearly has a personality disorder/a drug habit/is in prison. The problem, my friends,is yours. You: "He beat up his ex-wife." Friend: "People change."
2. Married women can't decide if you're pathetic or dangerous
Nor can married men. They think they are being inclusive when they ask you to join them for coffee after a dinner party (singles bugger up the numbers) and often sit you next to another woman as "punishment". On particularly unfortunate evenings someone will ask you why you "never married"? Not dead yet guys... Not quite yet.
This is an exceedingly sobering thought but, now that we are less young and less able to convince ourselves that he is trapped under something heavy or just likes us too much to text, it is best kept front of mind.
4. There is nothing casual about casual sex
Most times you do it sort of by mistake; fuelled by booze or acting out because you're hurt and lonely. And most times it hurts. Careful.
5. When people call you brave it is not a compliment
It is because they are horrified by your predicament. You may well not be horrified by it yourself. You may well be basking in the peace/freedom. But they are genuinely traumatised.
6. You are amazed by how many relationships you don't envy
Sure, there are a few (usually counted on one hand) that do look like fun and solace rolled up into one lovely partnership. But most look like hard bloody work without much reward.
7. Men don't care if you have cellulite
Or wrinkles. Believe it. They don't. If they do then you are aiming low and missing. You are no longer a trophy - these days you are a prize. You haven't waited this long to just... settle.
8. Dating is scary
Dating for grown-ups is a nightmare because we have never really done it. We've had sex, probably with quite a lot of people. Different kinds of sex. Different kinds of people. But dating?
If you were dating in the 1990s, you probably weren't really dating in the 1990s. You were just getting insensibly drunk and falling on top of each other. The dates came after the first snog (and often after the first shag). Fluids then first dates. Was it as icky as it sounds? Sometimes.
9. Tinder feels like fast food
Like fast food, Tinder can be a little bit naughty and a little bit nice. Photo / Getty Images
You are astonished by how disposable people seem. And then you realise that makes you disposable, too. And that feels a little uncomfortable. Even though married people nag you and nag you and nag you, chanting, "I would if I were single" and demanding to have a look.
10. There are endless questions and calculations...
...such as, if I am 42 and I meet him at 43 and he is 48, then how much sex can we cram in before everything either dries up or flops? Do I even have the energy? Where will I put him? Everything will be OK, but what does OK actually look like? Am I free or am I tragic? Am I desperate or am I powerful? Does everyone secretly think I'm a lesbian? What if he never appears? What then? What does that mean? Babies! Babies? Babies... Oh God, stepchildren.
