10 home truths 'shockingly ungrateful' Harry and Meghan need to learn

Don't claim you're 'existing, not living' on a tour of Africa where women are raped, writes Allison Pearson.

COMMENT:

The Windsors are not like other families. Witness the awkward intimation from Kensington Palace that Prince William is worried for his brother and his wife, revealed "to be in a fragile place" during their emotional TV interview on Sunday night, and he "hopes they are all right". How about giving them a ring?

Diana's beloved boys, who sheltered each other through the hurricane of grief that followed their mother's awful death, were as close as two brothers could be. That bond endured after William married Kate Middleton, up until Meghan Markle came on the scene. The fact that the elder one now has to make his concern known through the very media the younger has declared war on speaks volumes about their painful estrangement.

Make no mistake, this is a major crisis for the Royal family. Within two days, Channel 4 broadcast a programme revealing the extent of Prince Andrew's reckless ties with the billionaire sex offender Jeffrey Epstein, while an ITV documentary, which was supposed to be about the Duke and Duchess of Sussex's successful tour of southern Africa, turned into a public confession of the couple's unhappiness and possible plan to step out of the spotlight. Let's hope someone hid the Queen's Radio Times and switched Her Majesty's TV off after Countryfile.

In Harry and Meghan: An African Journey, the Duke appeared agitated, even paranoid, fretting about "this family, this job". Clearly a tortured soul, he is taking legal action against newspapers he believes hounded his mother to her death. Every click from a shutter, every flash from a camera is "the worst reminder" of that tragedy. He loves his brother, he said, but they were now "on different paths".

For her part, Meghan was asked by presenter Tom Bradby whether she was able to cope with the endless scrutiny the newlyweds had been under. The Duchess said they were taking one day at a time, "existing, not living". British friends had warned her against marrying Harry because "the tabloids will destroy you", a worry she had "naively" dismissed because "we don't have those kind of [papers] in the US". (Has she really never heard of the National Enquirer?)

]Her eyes brimming with tears, she said: "I never thought this would be easy, but I thought it would be fair."

Like millions of Britons, I have always had huge affection for Harry – that harum-scaram scamp, the sensitive little ginger boy his mother worried most about, the jolly-japes soldier eager to be one of the lads. We were delighted (and a bit relieved, frankly) when he finally found a bright, beautiful woman to settle down with. Harry and Meghan's wedding in May 2018 generated joy in such surging abundance that, if you had been able to plug it into the National Grid, it would have kept us warm all winter.

Since then, though, and despite their clear intentions to do good and make a difference, the Sussexes have blundered from one unforced error to the next. This recent African tour, which should have been a triumph that reset their standing in the Royal family, ended on a note of such sour sadness, it almost effaced the wonderful work of the previous ten days.

What Harry and Meghan seem to lack is a good friend, a candid adviser – a mother, actually – to get cross and tell them not to be so idiotic. (Or maybe they have one and they just don't listen.) My own list of Dos and Don'ts would include the following.

DON'T do a tour of some of the most heartbreaking parts of Africa – including children with their limbs blown off – then end it with your own sob story, which sounds a lot like heaven to people in the townships. Oh, and don't claim you're "existing, not living"; they are, you're not. It comes across as shockingly ungrateful. Count your manifold blessings – a loving spouse, a gorgeous baby, millions in the bank. Yes, life in the public eye can be stressful, but at least you have no fear of being raped on the way home like that South African woman you met.

DO grow a thicker skin. Meghan said she "tried the stiff upper lip thing". Yes. For a year! That's not very long. It takes time to earn respect. Avoid baring your soul in public. It only makes you more vulnerable. You're feeding an appetite for intimate disclosure that can never be sated. You need to construct a human shield as the Queen has done, a royal persona to wheel out on formal occasions. When you get home, take off the mask and live the life you both want to.

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has come to an end, but The Duke and Duchess have had the opportunity to look back on an incredible 10 days through South Africa, Botswana, Angola and Malawi. Thank you for following along! Their Royal Highness’s journey took them 15,000 miles across southern Africa where they we’re greeted by so many amazing people along the way. They witnessed the great partnership between the UK and Africa, met local community groups, leaders, and youth and elders, who all imparted knowledge and inspiration. On their final day of the tour, The Duchess said: “Please know that you have all given us so much inspiration, so much hope - and above all, you have given us joy.” • During their tour, The Duke and Duchess unveiled three new Queens Commonwealth Canopy projects, protecting forests and planting trees, and worked with the British Government to announce investment of £8m in technology and skills in the region. The Duke traveled to Angola to focus on the ongoing mission to rid the world of landmines, an extension of the work that was pioneered by his mother, Diana, Princess of Wales. The Duchess announced gender grants from the Association of Commonwealth Universities to improve access to higher education for women, as well as four scholarships for students studying across the commonwealth. Throughout this trip they were able to join an important and essential conversation about the rights of women and girls - not isolated to Southern Africa, but also globally. Throughout this visit, The Duke and Duchess were struck by the spirit and generosity from every community they visited. Speaking to young entrepreneurs in Tembisa, a township in Johannesburg, The Duke said: “As I raise my own son, I want to make sure that what I’ve learned here – the value of the natural world, the value of community and friendship – is something that I can pass on to him.” • Thank you to everyone who supported from afar, and those who have followed along the way! We hope you enjoy this wrap up video to the tune of a wonderful song by The Soweto Gospel Choir, a favourite of The Duke and Duchess. Video ©️ SussexRoyal

A post shared by The Duke and Duchess of Sussex (@sussexroyal) on Oct 4, 2019 at 8:23am PDT

DON'T fight a futile, self-destructive battle with the tabloid press. The papers which Harry hates with an irrational passion are read by the monarchy's most ardent supporters. They are the ones who put out the bunting and buy the souvenir tea-towels. Basically, they pay your wages. And they loved Harry's late mother and don't wish any harm to come to Diana's sons. Reporters can be horribly prurient, but, remember, unkind stories are on the floor of the gerbil cage the next day. Nobody will remember what they wrote; they'll remember how you responded. I saw a clip from South Africa of Harry ticking off Sky News's Royal reporter Rhiannon Mills for asking him a friendly question at an unscheduled moment. A week later, the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge were at the back of their plane in Pakistan laughing and joking with the press pack. If you treat journalists as the enemy, chances are they will be.

DO take Archie to visit his great-grandmother at Balmoral when you're invited. Claiming he's too young to travel to Scotland, then managing to get him onto a rock star's private plane to the south of France was not a good look. There is only one Queen of England, and it's not Elton John.

DON'T give bombshell interviews if they might overshadow your brother and sister-in-law's superb tour of Pakistan. They won't like it. Obey the unwritten Windsor rule that you don't steal anyone's thunder while they're abroad representing the Queen. And don't damage your own marvellous publicity by announcing you're taking legal action just as you're ending your own tour. People will think you've totally lost the plot.

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Arch meets Archie! This morning The Duke and Duchess were honoured to introduce their son Archie, to Archbishop, Desmond Tutu and his daughter, Thandeka. The Archbishop, a globally respected figure in anti-apartheid movement, is one of the world’s great champions of equality, and has spent his life tirelessly battling injustice. Their Royal Highnesses have joined The Archbishop and Thandeka to learn more about the work of The Tutu and Leah Legacy Foundation, and see first-hand how they are focussing on global awareness of the critical issues affecting the world. #RoyalVisitSouthAfrica • Photo ©️ Reuters

A post shared by The Duke and Duchess of Sussex (@sussexroyal) on Sep 25, 2019 at 2:37am PDT

DO hunker down and enjoy your lovely baby, instead of flying across the Atlantic to see a tennis match. Watch it on the telly like everyone else. Stay at home quietly and take advantage of the help you can afford. Hormonal and sleep-deprived, we all go a bit nuts after having a baby, and trying to do too much will put a strain on you and your marriage. There's plenty of time to save the world; save yourselves first.

DON'T give lectures on the environment and then have your own Range Rovers flown to South Africa. If you do this, don't be upset if people accuse you of hypocrisy. They've got a point.

DO retain a sense of humour. The British dislike people who take themselves too seriously. That means not writing "You are loved" on bananas being sent to sex workers. Chances are, if they've fallen into prostitution, they didn't feel especially loved. People adored the Harry of old who enjoyed a laugh. Bring him back, we miss him.

DON'T say tearfully to Tom Bradby that "not many people have asked if I am OK". Welcome to motherhood, sweetie! People not asking if you are OK goes on for, ooh, at least another 20 years. Archie will give you a Mother's Day card every year; otherwise, it's your job to check that everyone else is OK. Bummer, I know. But self-sacrifice is the job description.

DO take a six-week "sabbatical", as you're rumoured to be doing, but ask yourselves if someone like Harry, who says he is triggered by the sound of camera shutters, should really be carrying out the packed schedule of a member of the royal family. Maybe life as a private citizen might suit better.

Oh, and it would be nice if his big brother could get in touch with Harry, as their mother would surely want him to: not via a tip to the media. I presume Prince William has his brother's phone number?