Why Kanye West's behaviour towards ex-wife Kim isn't funny - it's abusive

Kanye West's post-breakup behaviour is a sign of coercive control, experts say. Photo / Getty Images

Celebrities' tumultuous love lives can sometimes seem so volatile that we simply tune out and hit the unfollow button.

But what's going on with Kim Kardashian and Kanye West right now should actually concern all of us, because it's not just a wild celeb breakup - it's abuse.

Since Kardashian filed for divorce in early 2021, it's become clear Ye hasn't taken it too well.

He's aired his private conversations with his ex-wife online, posted sporadic rants on his Instagram account begging her to take him back, and even sparked death threats against her current boyfriend, Saturday Night Live comedian Pete Davidson.

In the music video for his song Eazy, West even depicts himself decapitating a clay model of Davidson and burying his head.

He then shared a headless photo of Davidson with Kardashian on his social media, writing, "Look at this d***head", later sharing private texts from Davidson with his 11 million Instagram followers. He's since been temporarily suspended from using the platform.

"Kanye has been putting a lot of misinformation regarding our private matters and co-parenting on social media which has created emotional distress," Kardashian told courts earlier this year.

For months, the reality star has simply wanted to move on - but West is refusing to let go.

In what some are seeing as the ultimate romantic gesture, he even sent a huge truckload of roses to her house on Valentine's Day in a public attempt to win her back.

But that's not romance - it's harassment. And it's something that women all over the world from all different backgrounds suffer at the hands of their ex-partners every day.

The rapper sent his ex-wife a truckload of roses on Valentine's Day. Photo / @kanyewest

Women who don't have the support someone like Kim K has. Women who don't have the resources or the security, or even the voice to speak up.

Psychotherapist Kyle McDonald says we should call Kanye's behaviour what it is: abusive.

"Control is central to most domestic violence, and sadly the situation with Kanye's behaviour illustrates this very clearly," he tells the Herald.

"The risk of violence in abusive relationships increases severely when the partner leaves, because of the loss of control, rage and jealousy."

He adds that sadly, this type of behaviour is nothing new.

"This dynamic and danger has been well understood by those who work in the area of relationship violence for many years."

McDonald says it's important to be clear that it's not OK - and we should take these threats seriously.

"It's not endearing, or a sign of their undying love - it's controlling, abusive and not acceptable. While it's up to the person who left to make their own choice as to how they want to respond, encouraging them to access support so they can get clear about what actions they may want to take is a good idea."

New Zealand Women's Refuge principal policy adviser Natalie Thorburn says that Kanye's behaviour isn't a testament to his love - it's "possessive entitlement".

Kardashian has repeatedly begged her ex-husband to stop sharing their private conversations online. Photo / Getty Images

"For many women, it's after the separation that the abuser's possessive entitlement to the victim becomes clear - such as when that abuser starts stalking, harassing, or threatening the victim," she explains.

"In Kanye's case, even Kim's immense resources don't make her safe - he's still showing that possessive entitlement by using proxy stalking and threatening tactics as revenge for her attempts to get away from him."

"At its core, it's much the same story as the one told by so many women in New Zealand, who find their partners driving by their houses, spreading rumours about them online or to their workplaces, showing up at their houses, and manipulating their access to finances."

Thorburn says recent research shows tactics like this are the experience of more than 60 per cent of their clients during their relationships with their abusers, and over 70 per cent of clients after those relationships had ended.

These are all signs of coercive control - and if you spot these signs in someone else's relationship, it's important to reach out, she says.

"It's important not to judge them for staying or for not seeking help - victims know best about what support they need, and abusers are very convincing when they try to justify what they're doing," she advises.

"Stick around, check in on them, and be careful with what you say when you talk to them in messages or calls."

How to get help

If you're in danger now:
• Phone the police on 111 or ask neighbours or friends to ring for you.
• Run outside and head for where there are other people. Scream for help so your neighbours can hear you.
• Take the children with you. Don't stop to get anything else.
• If you are being abused, remember it's not your fault. Violence is never okay.

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