Movies:
Jumanji
Do you have a huge clash this weekend between your weekly family board game night and your monthly Robin Williams wake? Kill two birds with one stone by throwing yourself deep into the world of Jumanji. The 1995 family fantasy romp tells the tale of two children who must free Alan Parrish (Williams), a man who has been trapped in their board game since he started playing it in 1969. 26 years trapped in a boardgame hell? Should just be called Monopoly. / AC
Where: TV2 at 7.00pm Saturday
Free to Air Shows:
Keith Barry: Brain Hacker
According to TVNZ "Keith covers everything, from intuition and deception to hypnosis, free will, the paranormal and of course - brain hacking." Oh, of course. What would a Friday night be without a small injection of casual brain hacking? Forget the bloody GCSB New Zealand, there's a man ready to stand in front of you all on national television claiming to be able to hack your brain. I've never heard of this guy before, but his Wikipedia assures me that he is an "Irish Mentalist, Hypnotist, Magician and Activist for the Elderly." He has sublime frosted tips and, if you google his name, I guarantee you will see at least three pictures of him holding a flaming wallet. You'd be a fool to not get your brain at least a little hacked. /AC
Where: TV2 at 9.30pm Friday
Sports:
Fast5
Netball has a problem. Secretly it's quite a bad sport to watch. The contact calls are incessant, there are too many players scuttling about, trapped in too many little on-court prisons. Worst of all, the weird turn-taking centre passes and lack of variation in scoring opportunities mean comebacks are rare, and last second victories rarer still. Why does that matter? Because, y'know, they're the main reason people watch sport. Fast5, then, is essentially netball as it should be: fewer players, fewer rules, two-and-three point shots. It's great to watch. So this weekend's festival is mandatory viewing. Even missing its greatest exponent (Maria Tutaia) and the emotion of Van Dyk's swansong, it's the best the code will look all year. / DG
Where: Sky Sport 5 at midday Saturday and Sunday
NZ TV:
Eagle vs Shark
We are cheating with a movie, but it is hard to go past Taika Waititi's 2007 tale of misfits in love for your New Zealand watch this week. Hot off the heels of What We Do in the Shadows and with Waititi's new writing role in Disney's upcoming Moana, it's a great time to revisit this sweet little nugget of whimsy and weirdness. It's the type of movie that could only come from rural New Zealand, where the tracksuits are matching and the candles are handmade. Starring Jemaine Clement (Flight of the Conchords) and Loren Taylor, it's honestly just one of the funniest NZ movies of all time. For the Gaseous Maximus joke alone. / AC
Where: Heartland at 7.30pm Friday
Reality:
Come Dine With Me Omnibus
There is nothing better than blobbing out in a kaftan, moomoo or any other sort of shapeless drapery and watching this omnibus on a Saturday morning. Come Dine With Me is like a groundhog day version of the instant restaurant part of My Kitchen Rules NZ, except with crazier characters and no judges to reign them in. The guests are always the same. Some kind of young woman in advertising, an elderly overly-camp man who turns out to be hitting on her the entire time, and a street-savvy urban gentleman who teaches everyone some cringe-inducing slang. Without fail. Also, everyone brings a bottle of wine each night. Which means everyone drinks a bottle of wine each night. To be able to watch it all in one go is a godsend and a pure work of art. / AC
Where: TV1 at 9.00am Saturday
Sky:
Behind Mansion Walls
"The rich think they're safe. But no gates or guard dogs can protect them from the enemy within." Do you like ominous voiceovers? Grisly crimes? How about poorly constructed re-enactments? The CI channel is full of that sort of carry on. Like you and all other law-abiding citizens, I love it. But I get a bit bummed about all the endless innocent victims. Behind Mansion Walls is described by its host as being "about murder in fabulous houses." It quells those sorrowful victim-related pangs by focusing on the misdeeds of that particular strand of American wealth which seems most unpleasant and expendable - with the added prurient intrigue of the crimes being committed by their own families! / DG
Where: CI at 12.30pm Saturday
More Spinoff:
• My Kitchen Rules is finally over. Read Alex Casey's half-mad recap of her 29 recaps.
• X Factor hasn't even begun! Robyn Gallagher primes you on the key storylines.
• Everyone loves The Simpsons - but our new cartoon columnist says South Park's better. Is she crazy? Or just crazy enough to see the truth?
* What did we miss? Is there some wonderful television out there we're missing? tell us in the comments and we'll look at including it next week.
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