TV Eye: When you least expect it ...

These are dangerous times. Why only last weekend I went to sit down on a chair on our deck and - damn, damn, damn - I slopped my coffee all over one leg, the deck and the book I was carrying.

Curses, confusion and a clean-up followed. But, you'll be pleased to know, I walked away without a scratch, a burn, or the loss of a limb. Phew, etc.

On reflection, the really troubling thing about this unbelievable moment of coffee chaos was that it happened suddenly, without warning. Why, oh, why was there not some sign, some moment of foreboding or even a printed alert on the coffee cup to advise me that this unbelievable moment of coffee chaos was about to blow my whole Saturday to hell?

This, I concluded - by applying the forces of pure logic - seems to be the very nature, the total essence, of the unforeseen. It is in the character of the unexpected to happen suddenly, without warning. Indeed, if you're adult who isn't a total halfwit, you may well have concluded this fact at, roughly, the age of 5.

Which makes me wonder just how old the scriptwriters of TV3's Destroyed In Seconds (Monday, 7.30) might be?

This half-hour disaster clips show doesn't really seem to understand the soul of the unanticipated event.

"Without so much as a warning," droned host Andrew Gourdie over clips of things blowing up, "life hangs in the balance, human endeavour turns to chaos and within seconds, nothing will ever be the same. Ever."

I liked the second "ever". It was so totally unnecessary. In that it had much in common with the rest of the show, which included mostly old, undated overseas disasters like a crashing fighter jet, a mud slide, a mad Frenchman crashing his mountain bike at 107mph, a Danish windmill "going rogue" and a Hercules transport aircraft doing a belly flop.

They all happened "suddenly, without warning", and with the added effects of dramatic music, slow-motion replays and with some sort of bleeding obvious explanation by Gourdie.

The script, like the disasters, kept getting worse. Apparently the rogue windmill was a "reminder that even a manmade machine can be pushed beyond its limits by Mother Nature."

I wasn't aware that there were any other kinds of machines than the manmade machines, but there you go.

Putting aside that this show seems to be a Discovery Channel programme given a local accent by Gourdie, you really have to wonder, in an age when people spend half their working days watching this sort of stuff on YouTube, why this collection of old footage is of interest to anyone?

Especially when the newest disaster caught on camera was likely to have been on the news a half an hour before...

Mondays are now the unexpected heaped upon the unexpected on TV3. Immediately following Destroyed In Seconds is The Real Hustle (8pm), hosted by Outrageous Fortune's Kirk Torrance.

The show is basically a blow-by-blow of scams put together for television here and overseas - with dramatic music, slow-mo replays, etc - with these real cons (given silly names like the "booster bag scam" or the "white house scam") used on real people in front of hidden cameras.

Surely a how-to manual for criminals, you're thinking?

Not according to The Real Hustle. It clumsily announced to its audience at the show's start that it exists only to help us avoid being ripped off by con artists. I call that a con.

Admittedly the show didn't explain the mechanics of the booster bag scam. But it did show every detail of the white house scam - which involved buying something at a shop for cash before supposedly returning it for a cash refund with a lurking mate's help. It also revealed, very clearly, how to steal someone's laptop.

Evidently - coppers were quoted - The Real Hustle has the support of the New Zealand Police. They may well argue that being forewarned is forearmed.

Personally, I would argue that New Zealand's criminal classes are - suddenly, without warning - being offered a weekly masterclass in how to steal from you and me.