Someone call Novus, because the cracks are showing in team fans. Photo / TVNZ
It’s been a full 24 hours since Dave Wardie played chicken and Jane Yee sent Micah Marsh home to roost and I’m still madder than a wet hen following the dramatic and confusing first elimination of the loveliest man on television.
Drastic changes are clearly needed to the pecking order of team fans.
Optimistically oblivious Katy Middleton is leading “open body exploration” at fan camp, as their artist in residence. Middleton and Josh Oakley look to have formed a budding friendship and it’s honestly wholesome. But if I was them I would cut the nice guy act or they’ll be next on Yee’s butcher block.
In team faves, alliance pals Matty McLean and Lana Searle a having a planning session and despite McLean already being aligned with Lance Savali, he leaves this detail out of their chat and the duo suggest talking to Joe Cotton for a third in their relationship.
However, Cotton is otherwise occupied with Josh Kronfeld, who she gifts a True Bliss singlet and he honestly looks like he has been destined to wear this his entire life. The nation swoons as two of our biggest icons become collide and we promise to love this duo until the end of time.
On team Vai, Yee seemingly removes Wardie from her alliance with Adam O’Brien and Anna Thomas, despite not telling him and using her save card on him in the last elimination challenge.
I’m sorry what?
Babes if you wanted him gone you had an opportunity, I don’t know, 12 hours ago?
But before I have time to give anyone a lesson in strategic planning, it’s charity challenge time for team Beka and its hands-tied sheep ball herding on the cards. Lance Savali appears early as the king of his game, something tells me this isn’t the first time he’s managed a large flock.
Susan Devoy reveals she might pee her pants, but takes on Kronfeld and only cheats a little bit. It’s somehow endearing as hell.
Savali and Art Green are evenly matched in stature, swagger, and skills. - it’s like watching The Joker take on Batman and honestly not minding who wins.
After a quick finale with Kronfled, Savali ultimately takes home the $5000 for the Heart Foundation.
Back at camp, Kronfeld puts on his glasses and notices the clue he earned in the elimination battle is in fact a fire, not a map of the camp. He immediately begins digging and shows McLean and Alex King the clue, despite it clearly saying “keep this one for yourself”. McLean helps him uncover a small bag with a black stone and a note that says: “The power of the stone will be revealed in time.” At this point, Kronfeld decides show and tell is over.
Before long, it’s face-off time and Yee suggests team fans “do it for Maika”. It’s like watching a crime show and the murderer turns up at the memorial. Someone called Aaron Hotchner.
Then it’s challenge time and it’s a super physical one, fighting over rings in the water with the winning team being the one who gets the most rings back to their flag. The winning team also gets a pantry full of staple items and the power to choose two people to put up for elimination tonight.
And before long a fight erupts on land after King suggests to host Jayden Daniels that a member of the rival team “can’t grab it like that”. Oakley erupts, shouting “f*** up,” in King’s direction. When King questions what he’s said to her, he proceeds to call King something that has to be beeped out.
However, Savali hears it and reveals “I hear Josh and he’s said something that is quite disrespectful towards Alex”. The mood in camp faves changes and the entire team is ready for all-out war. “I would never let someone say that to one of my friends, or to anyone. Vai has just become our enemy.”
In team fans, Wardie can be seen pushing Oakley back and clearly telling the young squash player off, before Dame Susan is disqualified for holding Anna Thomas around the neck and Kronfled points two middle fingers towards the fans, yelling back “f*** off”.
It’s absolute chaos, heat is coming from all directions and it’s one of the nastiest fights the show has ever seen. Oakley is Regina George in Mean Girls, throwing pages of the burn book through the corridors of Treasure Island College.
Then the two members of the 6ft4 gang, Green and Savali emerge ready to fight. Their victims in the form of Oakley and Wardie and the challenge is the same one they bickered about on land. It’s set to be an out war.
Green falls on top of Oakley and Savali drops a few sly knees in his direction while Green pulls his legs. Despite a triumphant effort from Wardie, and some koala skills from Oakley, it’s a win for the tall boys.
Then it’s King vs Jess Waru and King ultimately takes it out after a whopping 45 minutes - hardly shocking given the overwhelming pressure that came from team fans during the challenge. The fans really seem to have it out for their youngest and sweetest players - Middleton surely knows she’s next on their hit list.
Finally, it’s Kronfeld v Adam O’Brien, Kronfeld snatches the ring in a matter of minutes and it’s game over. Faves take the win and the power to control the elimination remains in their hands.
Back at camp, King starts crying following the exhausting challenge and it becomes clear that McLean can’t put her up for elimination. After discussions, McLean ultimately decides to Green, despite Savali volunteering, up against exhausted Waru.
Green isn’t thrilled as he expects McLean secretly wants to get rid of him, but McLean seems confident Green can beat Waru.
“So unfair,” says captain Yee, who clearly forgot her own actions the night prior.
“This is the game we are playing and it’s such a smart move,” says Waru who sees it for what it is.
The challenge is tossing sandbags onto platforms on a tree and Waru takes an early lead, but it’s Green who winds up victorious. One of the game’s strongest players stays and a tired but proud Waru heads home. McLean’s gamble paid off.
Waru proves to both teams that she’s a strong Wāhine Toa and it’s a bittersweet farewell. But we weren’t ready to say goodbye to Green, so ultimately it all works out.
Green earns himself a clue which Daniels suggests that, unlike Kronfeld, he should keep to himself.
Walking back to his team, a playful Green pretends to read the clue out loud, ‘Hey guys. It says ...”
I scream, you scream, we all scream for Art Green!
Dolly Parton will receive the Jean Hersholt Humanitarian Award for her charity work.