Kourtney Kardashian and Travis Barker after tying the knot. Photo / Disney+
OPINION:
Just when you thought you were getting a break from Kourtney Kardashian and Travis Barker’s excessive PDA, think again.
Till Death Do Us Part: Kourtney and Travis, dropped on Disney+ today and for anyone invested in the couple’s love story and resulting three weddings, it’s one you won’t want to miss... or is it?
Anyone who has followed the Poosh founder and the Blink-182 drummer on Instagram knows the two tied the knot in three separate ceremonies last year. One in Las Vegas after the Grammys, another in Santa Barbara where they signed legal documents with only Kourtney’s grandmother, Mary Jo Shannon, and Travis’ father, Randy Barker present and finally, their extravagant Italian wedding in Dolce and Gabbana’s Portofino mansion.
Fans of the couple will also know they are big PDA advocates. They love it so much it’s become an online meme and were seen locking lips every time they appeared on Hulu’s The Kardashians. But in a surprising turn of events, their 72-minute wedding special is tame, suspiciously tame, so tame you might catch yourself thinking they’re a little bit cute.
To stay on brand, there is still a dumb amount of face sucking but the Kardashians’ Hulu show isn’t back for another month and without MAFS, I have a trash TV-sized hole in my heart that needs to be filled so we shall prevail.
Just like their Hulu series, this one-of-a-kind documentary-style special is full of excessive spending, annoyingly slow talking from Kourtney and moments that make you wonder if maybe you too should be wearing a $20,000 outfit and full glam to go to the ice cream shop.
In other words, prepare to feel poor.
The opening minutes see an insider’s perspective of the couple’s Vegas wedding. No one asked for it and no one should have to see it because, between the full frontal snogging and Kourtney lying on the floor like a toddler post-tantrum, it’s more frustrating than the 60-year-old Elvis impersonator trying to make the laptop work.
Alas, we move onto the second wedding and it was such a non-event, I won’t even waste words on it. But before you can get bored we skip straight to the third wedding in Italy where reality TV star Kardashian shocks everyone with a pre-nuptial confession: “I feel like I had so much anxiety leading up to the wedding because I really don’t like being the centre of attention”.
The 72-minute wedding special was a bad idea then.
After hours of the Kardashian glam we have come to know and love, we see the family at a lush Portofino restaurant where the family’s matriarch, momager and queen bee is giving a very, very emotional speech.
“I hope you all capture the most amazing memories,” she says to the happy couple but really she meant it for the cameramen because if nothing else, Ms Momager is here to collect her 10 per cent.
It’s here we realise someone is missing. Scott Disick. Known for his witty remarks on the show, Kourtney’s ex-boyfriend and father of her three children, Mason, 13, Penelope, 10 and Reign, 8, was absent from the wedding with reports at the time claiming he didn’t receive an invite.
Ah, love. It’s so fickle.
Executive producer Kris must find the next couple hours of footage absolute trash because somehow we end up on a Contiki and it feels just like the one you take with your chaotic friend who can’t sit still for more than three minutes and must Instagram everything. It’s too much, so in the essence of chaos, our attention is quickly captured by something else. A helicopter.
A helicopter, you say? Are the Kardashians filming their iconic season 14 promo again? No, unfortunately not. They are however delivering a grand piano, gold altars and more expensive items, which prompts Travis to tell the confession camera “We didn’t really care about the details, we just wanted to get married.”
Hear that team? Just hook it all back up to the choppers and go. They don’t care about the details!
The day of the wedding finally arrives and somewhere between Kourtney’s confession revealing she spent a massive 30 minutes planning the day, Kris’ tears and the millions of dollars of couture, we end up beside Barker at the altar.
He’s having a meltdown of sorts and tells the confession cam, “Normally I can be kinda like durable and resilient and kinda like tough and there’s just no denying it when I can’t be”, describing exactly how I feel before a full family lunch.
But it’s too late to turn back now Trav, because Kourtney begins her walk to the altar. In a sweet moment every little girl dreams of, Kris takes Kourtney’s arm and it’s very fairytale-esque until her Dolce and Gabbana veil – which includes a picture of the Virgin Mary, a nod to Travis’ tattoo - gets stuck on the rough stone stairs, again and again, and again.
I couldn’t help but wonder, is this a sign? Maybe, but this special is making them millions so who really cares?
Through tears, they tie the knot, we get a bunch of tongue action and Travis says he can’t believe the friend he used to go to museums with is now his wife. Feels like there could be an underlying meaning in that but I’ll leave it to the internet sleuths to figure out.
To end the special and the night, there is a massive Instagram-worthy party. Kim looks like she would prefer to be anywhere else, Travis’ 19-year-old son Landon has clearly had a couple of gin and tonics because he’s ready to give an emotional speech. “I just love you guys,” he says causing Kris to launch into action ushering him off the stage before taking her rightful place in the spotlight.
In the most iconic moment of the entire special, Kris demands, “Anybody who I birthed, come over here” causing all the Kardashian/Jenner kids - minus Rob because he, like his pal Scott, skipped the event - to jump on stage. They then proceeded to gift Kourtney and Travis a wedding cake that is bigger than the Kardashian empire. It’s a perfect way to end the special.
Overall, the 72 minutes is one you could easily compare to Kylie Swimwear because it’s a cash grab but then again it’s a celebration of love and how can you not love that?
‘Til Death Do Us Part: Kourtney and Travis is on Disney+.