A scene from the latest episode of Game of Thrones. Photo / HBO
* THIS STORY CONTAINS SPOILERS.
Just when this season of Game of Thrones was looking like it deserved the wooden spoon - perhaps the one that Cersei keeps getting wacked with in her cell by her nun-jailer - along comes this episode.
It had everything really. Revelations, conversations, snow zombie decapitations.
Some may argue every time this fantasy series strays into, well, fantasy, that its credibility crumbles as a study of power and politics and human failing. Yeah well we've had pretty much seven previous episodes of very big on human failings. It was high time for battle.
And out of nowhere it came, as Jon Snow attempted to negotiate an evacuation behind The Wall of the Wildlings crowded and hungry into their frosty seaside settlement.
The army of the dead swept down upon them and the ensuing ruckus make for the most thrilling, visceral 20 or so minutes of GoT this season.
It was terrific. It probably cost as much as series one. It became a sort of Viking zombie Dunkirk with Jon Snow and the survivors fleeing by boat as the White Walker King stared with his big blue eyes from the docks and slowly raised his hands, reviving all those who had been slaughtered who had kept their heads while all about were losing theirs. Great finish.
The episode started off rather more gently with Ayra selling sea shells by the seashore as part of some fiendish vigilante hit on a crooked insurance dealer. Meanwhile, Sansa Stark got some good news. And in getting to know each other after last week's introduction, Tyrion and Daenerys traded some of the best lines of the season too.
But it was episode in which the promises the show's cast and creators had made about this being the biggest season yet were finally fulfilled.
- Russell Baillie (latter day convert to the show, hasn't read the books)
My first big disappointment with Game of Thrones came with the introduction of snow zombies. I was so caught up in the dastardly intrigue, fiendish plotting and life or death power plays that were raging over control of the iron throne that snow zombies just seemed totally unnecessary. Even though I knew the books preceded the zombification of popular culture by a good few years it still felt like a concession to fad.
Things had felt very real up to that point - yes, dragons had hatched and I'm fairly certain Stannis' witch Melisandre had given birth to a demon spawn by then, so realism was clearly out the window, but the show still felt like a high stakes human drama.
As the undead pop up regularly in fantasy maybe I shouldn't have been surprised to see them. But they were kept on the outskirts and as their prominence faded and we got back to the double crossings and underhanded manoeuvrings of the various Houses I got used to snow zombies being a vaguely specific threat, spurring on characters and story without ever becoming too much a part of things. I'd convinced myself that just like winter, the snow zombies were coming, but we wouldn't necessarily see it.
Last night we saw it. Somewhere, a dog barked, snow began to fall, nekminnit hordes of snow zombies rushed a Wildling camp in a relentless and frenzied attack.
It was grand scale, it was nice and violent, it was.... a tad boring.
It's going to be a big task for GoT to top last season's hour long battle for the Wall. That was an incredible episode, tense and thrilling. This far shorter battle was decent enough and it was cool to have a decent fight scene after this season's reliance on minor skirmishes. It's a shame that it was wasted on snow zombies.
For me the big problem was how obvious it was that Jon Snow, who had gone north of the wall on a diplomatic mission, would get away safely. And, of course, he did. The rote introduction and overt prominence given to a female Wildling clearly signposted her demise. Though being torn to shreds by her own freshly zombified kids was a nice, characteristically gruesome touch.
But overall, snow zombies just aren't interesting. When the various human forces square off against each other we know the stakes, we know their motivations and we know the people on both sides. Even if we don't particularly like them, we know exactly what they're fighting for. That makes it interesting and exciting because we're invested. Snow zombies, like all zombies, are just bland agents of death. They're the meh of villains.
Maybe that's enough for you, it's not for me. Get to Stannis taking on Bolton already. Now that's a battle with stakes, with interest, with consequence. That's a fight that's going to have major ramifications for what happens next. That's a fight we care about.
Last night's fight, fun as it was, was nothing but filler.
- Karl Puschmann (Still foolishly believes that one day he will actually sit down and read the books)
General Walker (aka Night's King): So pretty happy with that team. We certainly took them by surprise and we got plenty of new members out of it. Your thoughts?
Walker with no legs: Why didn't we show up earlier? Those Night's Watch guys wouldn't have been there. Would have been much easier
Night's King: Yep, that's my bad. Had a late one last night counting all our troops. There's so many. Plus I was practicing my 'raise army up' move. Think I pulled if off at the end there. But you're focusing on the negatives. The more we fight the better.
Boney Walker with one arm: Why don't we have boats.
Night's King: Yep, fair point. Again I'll take the blame for that. Been meaning to get on that. But come on guys.. We won the battle.
Walker with arrow stuck in head: We should have just concentrated on the giant. Imagine if we turned him into a white walker?
Night's King: First off, we don't use the term white walker. It's native Westerosian walker. We're just aware of the bad PR that could get us. But yeah again, that's a fair point. Looking back on our strategy we probably lacked direction during the battle. Maybe the plan of just running around trying to kill every living being has its downsides.
Walker with no legs: So what's the plan now?
General Walker: Well, Stan, you're not going to like this but we've got some walking to do.
Boney Walker with one arm: So why don't we have boats again?
- Cameron McMillan (a Thrones trainspotter who can always be relied upon for up-to-date statistics and random factoids. He spent the time between seasons reading all the books)
The scenes set in the wildling refuge of Hardhome in this week's Game of Thrones are almost a miniature version of the entire show itself - ancient enemies face off, and old grievances are revisited and left unresolved, and then none of that matters any more, because an army of dead people are coming to eat your face off.
Eight episodes into the fifth season, and we're now well past the original books in most of the storylines. Tyrion and Daenerys have finally met, and get along fabulously, just like we always knew they would, Sansa figures out her little brothers are alive, and the White Walkers are now barging straight into the storyline.
The big action sequences in the show's past have been slowly built up and have an etire episode devoted to them, but the attack on Hardhome comes out of nowhere, just like the White Walkers themselves. But it swiftly escalates to one of the most brutal and intense moments of the series so far - it has the ultimate big bad guys literally stepping through flames into the action, a giant named Wun Wun taking on zombies (the giant wins), and all men putting aside their hate to fight for life itself.
And so you get a Thenn and a man of the Night's Watch standing side by side in a hopeless fight against a white walker, and all that hate and blood vengeance means nothing. It's just life versus death.
When Jon Snow sees the newly dead rise again at the eerie end of the battle, he knows there is so much more horror to come, but at least he has saved some from the undead hordes, because when the final fight against the cold darkness begins, they're going to need every living soul they can get.
- Robert Smith (has read every book, watched every episode, owns several T-shirts, and is still wondering why they call Tormund the Giantsbane.)
For five seasons now, we've been hearing that same phrase uttered over and over: "Winter. Is Coming."
It's been used so much, it's almost lost its meaning. When it was used earlier this season, I actually laughed out loud. It just seems ridiculous. We've into the fifth season of Game of Thrones, and that means we've been through four whole real world seasons of rain and wind and cold and icy windshields and beards while the sun keeps shining on good old Westeros.
Turns out there's a reason they've been building up winter, Thrones-style. This isn't a few friendly snowflakes that a quick trip to Kathmandu for a thermal shirt can solve.
Winter's a little nastier when you're out beyond the wall. And for TV fans, Thrones fans and pop culture fans, things don't really get better than what we saw last night.
It had shades of some of the great battle scenes from Peter Jackson's Lord of the Rings - especially when those White Walkers started taking arrows to the face as they broke down the gates. It also went a little World War Z, as swarming marauding zombie soldier skeletons fell like rats from the cliff.
But this climactic battle scene became a thriller in its own right, whether it was Jon Snow's nailbiting throwdown with a White Walker under a thatched roof. Or the Wildling giant that, after taking out many zombies with a fiery log, decided he'd had enough and headed into the water. When you're that tall, who really needs a boat anyways?
And those zombie kids marauding a Wildling who'd just sent her kids off to safety certainly sent me to bed with a chill down my spine.
It wasn't just this season's best scene - it might just be Thrones' best moment. As great as last night's episode was, I'm not sure they can top it. Ladies and gentlemen, we just reached peak Thrones.
- Chris Schulz (only watches Game of Thrones for scenes involving the amazing Gwendoline Christie, aka Brienne of Tarth, aka the greatest woman on Earth)
Dolly Parton will receive the Jean Hersholt Humanitarian Award for her charity work.