Varys and Tyrion escape their road trip for a quick excursion into trouble.
There was a confounding moment in the third episode. The one where new Lord Commander Jon Snow talked about keeping your enemies close - it would appear Sun Tzu's The Art of War from the 6th Century, from where that quote springs - is on the shelves at Library Castle Black.
Though Snow didn't heed the advice himself, choosing to lop off the head of the veteran ranger who told his new boss where he could stick it.
Unknown characters were dying gentler deaths in Braavos, at the monk-ish assassins retreat where Arya Stark has booked herself into but is spending her days sweeping the floor and helping give the dead a final sponge bath. But this satisfyingly tense and twisty episode was otherwise mainly concerned with sex and religion.
Veteran actor Jonathan Pryce finally turned up as the High Sparrow, the Jesus figure to his following of zealots who had shamed a high priest for his brothel creeping. Cersei found him administering to the smelly and the desitute but she's clearly fascinated with the chap, in a Pontius Pilate kind of way.
Cersei also heard from her serial daughter-in-law Margaery that she may be a grandma soon, given her number two son King Tommen's enthusiasm in the royal bed chamber. She took the news of her impending irrelevance rather well, considering.
And while Daenerys didn't make an appearance in this episode, it seems she too is becoming a figure of religious adulation - and of sexual fantasy too with one local tavern prostitute finding the dragon's queen's trademark blue dress and blonde wig combo was good for business. Which was funny. But maybe not if you had your heart set on wearing something similar at the next Comic Con or Armageddon Expo.
Sansa Stark arrived back at her family's old home of Winterfell having been unbelievably persuaded by Littlefinger she needs to marry yet another psycho in Ramsay Bolton whose clan has taken up residence there. Boy, if that girl's love life gets any more troublesome, Taylor Swift is going to start writing songs about it.
- Russell Baillie (latter day convert to the show, hasn't read the books)
As Game of Thrones began its metamorphosis into Karate Kid last night I began to wonder what exactly is the deal with wise old dudes? Like, seriously. It doesn't matter where you at, be it Braavos or Los Angeles, if you need to learn something from some wise old dude then you better know your way around a mop or you ain't gonna be learning diddly squat.
The bulk of My Miyagi's lessons to the young Karate enthusiast Daniel LaRusso mainly involved getting his protégé to clean his house and wash his car. Through repetitive, mundane and thoroughly un-karate related basic household chores LaRusso learnt enough to become a black belt karate expert in record time.
And so following in that proud tradition, the young, revenge driven Arya Stark begins her training to become a 'Faceless man', er, hold on... 'Faceless girl?'. No... that doesn't sound all that fearsome. And doesn't assigning a sex here seem to go against that whole "faceless" thing they're going for. Let's try that again...
And so following in that proud tradition, the young, revenge driven Arya Stark begins her training to become 'Faceless' by picking up a broom and constantly sweeping what must be the dirtiest floor in all of Westeros inside the Faceless Men's temple.
Actually, I'm hardly surprised the House of Black and White is filthy. Think about it; you got a temple full of men living together. When do you think the last time someone busted out the Pledge to give all those statues a bit of a dust was? That's right, probably never.
Besides, even if your name came up on the temple's cleaning roster, the faceless men can all change faces! No man is going to report for cleaning duty willingly. I can tell you right now that if it was my turn on temple dishes then you better believe the first thing I'm doing is changing my face to Bill's.
"Karl? Nope. Haven't seen him ... Sorry."
Really, what's amazing is that Arya could even get to the floor to sweep it. The producers must have wisely decided to cut the many, many scenes of her collecting up and taking out all the empty beer bottles and pizza boxes littering the temple floor.
Now with Arya's training in housekeeping and facelessness well underway I expect that next week we'll see a sweet power rock accompanied training montage before she leaves the temple to set out on an epic quest to satisfy her revenge. Can't wait!
- Karl Puschmann (Still foolishly believes that one day he will actually sit down and read the books)
For the first time in ages, there is a Stark in Winterfell. Sansa Stark might still be surrounded by scoundrels, flayers and that rascally Littlefinger, but her return to her ancestral home is the first time Winterfell has had a member of its first true family residing there since Bran was sent north on the back of a Hodor.
Sansa herself has certainly grown and changed since she was last in those halls, dropping the adolescent pout and replacing it with the steely gaze of a true Stark. Her ultimate goal for agreeing to marry the repulsive Ramsay might be unclear at this stage - this arc of the TV show is going places the books never touched - but it is highly unlikely she is going to be a dutiful and meek member of the family that killed her big brother.
Arya proudly and loudly speaks her list of death every night, but after her time with Joffrey, her big sister has learned to keep her true feelings hidden. Her hunger for revenge is just as powerful as anybody else in this show, and now she's not running or hiding any more. She's back home, surrounded by her people, under her own name, and it's only a matter of time before her Stark flame of righteousness burns again.
- Robert Smith (has read every book, watched every episode, owns several T-shirts, and spends too much time wondering why Brienne took Duncan the Tall's sigil)
Sansa has taken a dark turn, dying her hair brown and looking all moody, and suddenly resembling her half-brother Jon Snow.Things are about to get a whole lot darker for Sansa, if the wedding to Ramsay Bolton, the bastard son of the man who murdered her other brother Rob at the infamous Red Wedding, goes ahead. Ramsay is also the man who set blood-thirsty hounds on a woman and tortured and mutilitated Theon Greyjoy, leaving him a husk of a man.
Sansa has already suffered abuse at the hands of her former fiance Joffrey, the only character in the Seven Kingdoms as equally psychopathic as Ramsay. I can't imagine the audience will stand to see her abused by the sadist Ramsay. I know I will be fast-forwarding those scenes, if they come up.
It's hard to believe Lord Baelish would leave Sansa at Winterfell without first ensuring her safety after all he has done to take her from King's Landing. I had thought the two of them were on the path of a creepy, but not Lannister-level creepy, union of their own. It could still go down that way, and Littlefinger has always been one of the best schemers in all the Seven Kingdoms.
A couple of other things to touch on: "Greyscale" has been cropping up in every episode of this new season. I haven't figured out exactly what the condition is or how one gets it, but it sounds like it turns people to stone. All the mentions leads me to believe some character is going to come down with it.
I hope Arya doesn't go through with becoming a "faceless man/woman", because her path of vengeance had been good to watch. Plus, her wit and quick comebacks, like when she yelled the c-word in last night's episode, are really entertaining.
- Sophie Ryan - (hasn't read the books, but reckons Sansa's going to dominate this season, as long as she survives being betrothed to Ramsay Bolton)
Moving past little Arya Stark using the C word and the image of an old man's wobbling bum, there was some game-changing shocking stuff last night.
Let's see where they rank on a scale of 'Man getting his head crushed through his eye balls by the bare hands of another man' scale of shock:
Sansa set to marry Ramsay Bolton:
This surely can't work out well for Sansa. If it was a Jaqen-trained Arya who was being betrothed to Ramsay (aka Penis Lopper of the North) then it would be game on. But meek Sansa? Even with Littlefinger by her side I don't think she has it in her to come up with a foolproof plan to strike revenge from inside Winterfell. Must be good to be in the old bed again though.
Tyrion doesn't score in a brothel:
Tyrion and Varys were number two on my
and now they've broken up one week later! I don't see Jorah Mormont as a great rebound guy either. And which Queen did he mean? Mother of Dragons or Mother of Flagons? Wherever they're heading it could be a long trip.
The Mountain is alive and kicking:
Well we can only assume that was him under the blanket in Qyburn's dungeon/laboratory unless it's headless Ned Stark or Zombie Joffrey - actually now I'm really hoping it's Zombie Joffrey.
John Snow cut off Janos Slynt's head:
Decapitations was so season one and now we've had two in two weeks. Change it up Benioff and Weiss. I don't think we've had a foot chopped off yet.
- Cameron McMillan (a Thrones trainspotter who can always be relied upon for up-to-date statistics and random factoids. He spent the time between seasons reading all the books)
At this point in season five, I'd like to point something out: there's an awful lot of talking going on. Arya talking to the Faceless Man about her talents being wasted on broom-sweeping duty. Margaery telling Cersei how energetic her son is in the bedroom. And Brienne telling a soppy sob story about being the not-so-beautiful belle of the ball.
There's also a lot of walking to go with this talking. Littlefinger and Sansa walking into Winterfell for another one of Thrones' icky forced marriages. Tyrion and Varys finally leaving their box to go exploring, only to wind up in a brothel. And a shame-faced priest walking naked through the streets after being caught with his pants down.
Yes, I get that David Benioff and DB Weiss are busy manoeuvring all their pieces into place for some rather large events later on this season (yes, I've read the spoilers. I can't help myself). And I get that there's an awful lot simmering beneath the surface, like Cersei's little smirk to herself after her awkward chat with Margaery, or Theon's knowing shuffle as he serveed up another pigs ear to his brainwashing bosses and listened to their evil plans.
But at this point, isn't Thrones' fifth season starting to feel a little like a lumbering game of chess against a grand master who's just a little too afraid to make those big moves of old? Can't we have more of that dead 'It's alive' body - it's The Mountain, right? - grunting under that sheet? Is it too much to ask for more than one beheading each episode? Where's Keisha? And can't Brienne be given a little more to do than mope about her childhood to Pod?
This is one slow zoom in on a quizzical expression away from turning into Thrones of Our Lives.
-Chris Schulz (only watches Game of Thrones for scenes involving the amazing Gwendoline Christie, aka Brienne of Tarth, aka the greatest woman on Earth)
* Post your own throughts on the episode below. We'd love to hear them!
REVIEW: Handel's Water Music echoed its 1717 premiere with lively, rhythmic energy.