We’re just two weeks in, butThe Traitors NZ has already given us more tension than a former broadcaster wobbling at the top of a rickety ladder. We’ve had a sombretrio digging their own graves atop a hill, we’ve had a twisted take on Taskmaster NZ’s white room of doom, and we’ve had Paul Henry whipping a piece of fabric off an old television and exclaiming “sha-naaa!!” Ta-da is dead. Voila is buried. Long live sha-na.
“It’s around this table that you stab in the front, and the stabbing starts now,” Henry said, sha-naaing around the banishment table. And stab our faithfuls did, leading to a tense draw and a re-vote in episode three, and absolute chaos in episode four. Each and every person has categorically lost their minds (including me, who just googled “sha na” to find the 2023 Sha-Na single Enemies that I am now convinced is a Traitors NZ easter egg).
Let us assess the standings at the end of week two.
Wiremu was a trustworthy bloke with the support of many, which made him a massive target to be utterly sha-na’d. To add insult to injury, he also had to brutally choose his own MySpace top eight to attend his own funeral, and then deliver his own cryptic invite by way of VHS cassette. At least he wasn’t there to see the most butchered version of Ave Maria ever committed to the silver screen.
BANISHED: Jackie
Jackie knew she needed to stay under the radar this week, so she took to hiding under a very small branch so as not to draw attention to herself. “They see you as a venerable elder,” said her Dungeons and Dragons ally Mark. “I’m just an old tart from Papakura,” Jackie replied from deep within the nearby bushes, fully camouflaged in a ghillie suit.
Alas, the faithfuls sniffed out her treacherous ways and she announced to the group “I didn’t come here to f*** spiders, but I did come to be a traitor”.
BANISHED: Andrew
It’s like the old saying goes: if you can’t handle Jackie at her old tart from Papakura, you don’t deserve her at her venerable elder. Andrew had embraced the 70-year-old horoscope writer as his “guardian angel” in the game, but his plan started to unravel in episode four. Chosen by the traitors to spend the day digging a grave with Brianna and Noel, one of which would later claim said grave, Andrew spent the day focused on targeting Noel.
At the roundtable, he immediately threw out Noel’s name and told the group they should banish one of the three gravediggers.
“I am willing to double my odds because I feel so strongly about the evidence that I am about to present,” Andrew opined. Unfortunately, even with a clairvoyant in his corner, Andrew (and nobody else for that matter) was prepared for hurricane Brianna, who threw the roundtable into turmoil and saw him swiftly, somehow, banished.
“I dug my own grave in more ways than one,” said Andrew.
Paul Henry and Zsazsa on The Traitors NZ. Photo / The Spinoff
MAYBE MURDERED: Zsazsa the dog
Paul Henry talked a big game about taking his Chinese Crested Zsazsa for a quick 10km walk around the property, but we haven’t actually seen her since she ate that bit of croissant in episode one. All I’m saying is, the man has gone full method this season and they had to get those animal guts from somewhere. Sha-naaa to Zsazsa indeed.
19) Brianna (faithful)
Spiritually, Brianna is my number one. Survival-wise, she seems six feet under. Last week she relayed some information to the group, despite not being able to remember what exactly the information was, or who exactly said it. This week she took Donna’s gentle suggestion over breakfast that she might “have some heat on her” and transformed it into Donna shaving her head like Furiosa, raising a chainsaw above her head and yelling “WATCH YOUR BACK”.
From that flagrant moment of editorialising, to asking “how do you talk without crying”, to voting for Jackie while still hoping she will knit her a cardigan (“No”, said Jackie), Brianna appears to be having a full metaphorical green out in the mansion. But there was no greener moment than when she turned the tables on Andrew, and then frantically screamed her motivations from the rooftops: “I WANT TO F***ING WIN BECAUSE I HAVE A WEDDING TO PLAN!!!!!”
Not a strong week from Utah, and although I am acutely aware I have spent the above two paragraphs making fun of Brianna, I’ll admit I defensively bristled when he accused her of being “too emotional”. Um, Utah… SHE HAS A WEDDING TO PLAN?!?!?!
He nearly fell asleep during Wiremu’s funeral service, but that wasn’t the only disrespect Noel showed towards the sacred game this week. “I didn’t really come here to win, I came for fun,” the 22-year-old writer smirked. On ya bike then mate, we’ve had old tarts come all the way out from Papakura for this.
Molly on The Traitors NZ. Photo / The Spinoff
16) Molly (faithful)
Had never seen a VHS cassette before, therefore is banished in the rankings for making everyone over 30 feel positively mummified.
15) Trevor the piano player (unsure)
A mysterious guy tickling the ivories in a fedora and we’re just supposed to assume he’s totally innocent in all of this? Pull the other one.
14) Jason (faithful)
Was the only person who randomly chose to banish Mark out of absolutely nowhere. He was dead wrong, of course, but you gotta respect the self-belief.
13) Cat (faithful)
“When I said I wanted more protein, this is not what I meant”, said Cat, who soon enjoyed what she thought was a “sheep colon”. Lucky she has nine lives.
12) Ben (faithful)
“It was shaped like a kidney bean, so I thought it was a kidney”, said Ben, proudly handing in his Mensa application.
His biggest move of the week was striking up the Dungeons and Dragons alliance, alas Jackie rolled a critical fail. Hoping he can get his character sheet sorted for next week.
Donna on The Traitors NZ. Photo / The Spinoff
10) Donna (faithful)
Keep a single misplaced doll’s eye on this woman. She’s playing a quieter game for now, but she’s also clocking everyone’s missteps along the way.
9) Bailey (faithful)
She was labelled as the quietest of the group, but I think we should all pull focus on this low-lying videographer. Quiet, yes, but she’s the only one who was steadfast on banishing Jane for being a traitor (which she is) and the only person brave enough to gently confront Brianna’s baffling behaviour head on. “You’re saying things that everyone is super confused by,” she said to Brianna, “is there something about this banishment room that freaks you out?” She HAS a WEDDING to PLAN!!!!!!!!
8) Stephen (faithful)
I’m obsessed with Stephen, who did absolutely nothing all week but enjoyed a generous southern pour of red and then issued this weird soliloquy at the roundtable: “Where there’s smoke, there’s fire, and where there’s a loud clanging bell, there’s Andrew”. And if you’ve got anything to say to that, you can once again talk to his “feck off, I’m retired” hat.
Jane on The Traitors NZ. Photo / The Spinoff
7) Jane (traitor)
A much quieter week for Jane, perhaps because she was so rattled by eating sheep guts that she couldn’t even hold her sign the right way up.
6) Joe (faithful)
Best dressed by a country mile for the second week in a row.
I loved Siale’s grumpy teacher act during tonight’s roundtable soooo much. “Two of you look s*** scared and one doesn’t”, he said sternly. When Noel started to defend himself again after Andrew’s shock banishment, Siale’s “unhappy dad face” was dialled up to 11. “You’ve done a lot of talking today man, seriously.” Go straight to the naughty step.
4) Brittany (faithful)
While Whitney did her damndest to raise suspicions around Brittany, the content creator won the faithfuls over with a trick as old as The Traitors NZ S1: swearing on your kids’ life. “I am an anxious person,” she said, welling up after being accused of being a traitor, “it wouldn’t sit right with me in my heart.” This morning, I got a sponsored Watties ad featuring Brittany making an easy WOK creation meal for her family. Coincidence?
Whitney on The Traitors NZ. Photo / The Spinoff
3) Whitney (traitor)
Another killer week from the funeral director from Tauranga. She wore the most dramatic outfit to Wiremu’s funeral, and later revealed that she also has a performing arts degree under her belt, which was making the whole process of lying to people’s faces “too easy”.
However, I’m concerned this could be a case of too much, too soon for Whitney. She roused suspicions by not being able to correctly identify a cow’s lung (because apparently funeral directors blindly fondle animals organs all day long) and then turned her attention to poor Stephen, who is just there to enjoy the vino and be feckin’ retired.
2) Mike (traitor)
I am just in love with Mike’s endless Cillian Murphy-on-a-press-tour homage. Has anyone ever looked more bored s***less than this guy? Looks like next week we are going to see Mike step into his potency and double-cross another traitor. Hopefully, he can even crack a smile while doing it.
1) Filibustering priest (faithful)
Number one with a bullet is the priest from Wiremu’s funeral, who was forced to filibuster his way through proceedings as the contestants took their sweet ass time to complete the mission. “God will forgive even those who have fallen asleep,” he joked as Noel tried not to snooze off. “Everyone’s lost their singing voices,” he japed as the group cracked a high during Ave Maria. Move over Fleabag’s Hot Priest, there’s a new divine daddio in town.
