The secret diary of... The Bachelor

Arthur Green, Matilda Rice, Dani Robinson and Mike Puru. Photos / Supplied

Arthur

Well here we are alone at last just the two of us and you're so soft and warm.

I look into your big round eyes and it's like I disappear into them like a stone in a pond or a rock in my head.

It's like I've known you all my life. It's like you're human.

You're the most adorable koala I've ever met.

Matilda

The thing with the koala was pretty disgusting but I've been through worse on the show, and I don't mean falling off the horse and breaking my arm. I mean the other contestants.

They had it in for me from the start. One of them said she wanted to kill me. I had to take that pretty seriously when it turned out she'd served an eight-year jail sentence for murder.

I raised it at a staff meeting at MediaWorks and they said not to worry about it but to keep an eye on the girl who said she wanted to burn down my house with me in it. She'd gone off her meds.

Neither of them scare me as much as Dani. She's out there. She's crazy. She actually cares about Arthur.

Dani

People say to me, "Oh my God I don't know how you can stand being in the same room as her."

And I'm like, "She's got a good heart."

They say, "It's like she's cast a spell over him."

And I'm like, "Ha, ha!"

They say, "She is such an interfering bitch."

And I'm like, "You shouldn't really talk like that about Arthur's mother."

Arthur's Mother

I took a long hard look at that girl Dani.

In fact I couldn't take my eyes off of her.

I don't know what Arthur sees in her, I really don't.

Just staring at her made my eyes nearly pop out of my head.

I couldn't blink. I felt my eyes grow larger. And then my head started turning. It turned 360 degrees.

There's no way I'm allowing that girl into our family.

She wouldn't understand what we get up to at the lakehouse.

Mike

It's been a journey. What a journey it's been. But I've finally made it. Here I am. In the spa pool.

I've got it all to myself at last.

It feels good.

So good.

Thank God the girls have finally gone. All that giggling and laughing and girl talk!

All I wanted was some peace and quiet.

It feels good.

So...

That's strange.

The water's gone cold.

And it's swirling down the plug hole.

"Get out," says someone from MediaWorks. "The show's over."

Michael Hill Jeweller

It is I, Count Dracula! At the very least you'd have to say the resemblance is uncanny.

I have risen from the grave to help Arthur choose a ring - and to drink his blood!

He says, "I've got a better idea, mate. Get your fangs around this."

I drink deep - and begin to choke, as a vile taste fills my mouth, and kills me with its poison!

I gasp, "What was it?"

He says, "An espresso martini. Fancy another?"

Dani

So we have the big talk, and Arthur's like, "You're incredible. I'm in awe of you. Every moment I've spent with you has been electric and I know that life with you would be such an adventure."

I'm like, "I love you!"

And he's like, "I'm out of here."

Matilda

He chose me! Of course he chose me! No brainer! That's Arthur all over!

I really think we've got a wonderful future together.

"I agree," said my boss at MediaWorks, Julie Christie. "How would you two like to co-host a 7pm slot that's about to become vacant?"

Arthur

Well here we are alone at last. We walk into the sunset. It goes down over the lakehouse.

She says, "How about I put on the kettle?"

I look into her large wide eyes, and say, "Thanks, mum."