The secret diary of ... Art, Sepp and Zane

Zane Lowe, Art Green and Sepp Blatter. Photos / Supplied, AP

Art Green

You might remember me as that guy on that show. It was on the same channel as that news show no one watched. I never used to watch it either, but I quite like it these days, because it's got Guy Williams on it. He cracks me up!

Anyway, so I was on that other show, and it was about these girls who were dying to go out with me. Actually quite a few of them didn't once they got to know me, but that was just a plot device.

Sometimes I think about the chick with blonde hair. We were at the beach one day and I took her by the hand one day, stared deeply into her eyes, and said, "You're incredible. I'm in awe of you. Every moment I've spent with you has been electric and I know that life with you would be such an adventure."

And then she ruined the moment. She said, "I love you!"

But at the end of the day it all worked out for the best because I got together with that other chick with blonde hair. She's really great and we spend a lot of time together in women's magazines.

Sometimes when I make her my famous espresso martinis, she says, "Ugh, they're totally disgusting, throw it down the drain, mate." She cracks me up!

Anyway, we're in the news again this week because we're helping the NZ Minigolf team raise funds so they can compete at the World Champs in Finland! And you can help - by winning the chance to go out on a double date with me and that chick with blonde hair! How about that! You'll get to meet me! Spend time with me! Listen to the things I say!

Second prize, two dates.

Zane Lowe

We're Beats 1! We're worldwide! We're always on! I come from Auckland, New Zealand, and it's breaking! It's new - get into it! It's way up there as a country and if you visit you'll find that everyone there talks like me - all the time, excitedly, hyperactively, mentally disturbedly!

Okay maybe not as disturbedly as me! I have to talk like this because this week I launched the world's first global, 24/7 radio station, Beats 1, brought to you by Apple as part its long-awaited new streaming service! It's breaking! We like it! We love it! We're broadcasting live to the early adopters! To the world! To everybody in the world! To my mum! To my brother! To Wellington! Auckland! New York, London, Germany, Brooklyn, Vancouver! Worldwide, 100 countries! Let me list them for you!

I'm broadcasting live from a studio in Los Angeles! Beats 1 is accessed by clicking the "Radio" button at the middle of the bottom row of icons in the app! The music service is activated when users download iOS 8.4, which can be got through a software update in the Settings app! On a desktop computer you get to Beats 1 via an iTunes update! What?

Anyway! It's new - get into it! We like it! We love it! We repeat ourselves endlessly! Here we go again! We're Beats 1! We're worldwide! We're always on! I know I am! On and on and on! It's breaking! I'm breaking, too! I'm breaking up! I'm actually in bed trying to sleep but I can't sleep because I can't shut up! Ever! Oh God! Help! Help! Help!

Sepp Blatter

My conscience is clean, and I will go to heaven when I die. My faith has given me strength during the last week. I am a religious person and pray, too. I own a golden cross that has been blessed by Pope Francis. He said, "Jesus saves."

I said, "But I'll get the rebound, which is to say I'm open to the possibility of returning as president of Fifa. Anyway, what were you saying about heaven?"

He said, "Um - it's closed."