As a famous metaphysician once said, "It ain't easy being Green". There's so much exercise required just to keep up Art Green's appearance, as the start of almost every episode has taught us. My personal favourite was when he was standing in the middle of a field lifting kettles. Where did they come from? Who cares. He probably carries them around in his back pockets, he's just that prepared for the shred.
Runner-Up: Beachfront Lunges
Art also taught us that you don't need fancy equipment like Bachelor-brand kettles to maintain a fit bod. Sometimes Art would take five and just have a cheeky lunge down the beach, slowly walking closer and closer to water's edge, kettles weighing down his pockets like a really ripped version of Virginia Woolf.
Rose for Best Fart
Winner: The Fully Loose Koala
First of all, who would have even thought this was going to be a category. Second of all, this the funniest and most disgusting thing that has ever happened in a 7.30 timeslot. Was it symbolic of the Australia/New Zealand Rivalry? Was it the spirit of Poppy? Did the Surf 2-in-1 get rid of the stains?
Runner up: Poppy's Fart
There is no competition in this category, nor will there ever be. This is the fart that launched a thousand kayaks, the fart that rocked the nation, the fart that changed competitive dating television forever.
Rose for Best Non-Farting Animal
Winner: Meowser
Meowser stole the whole show on Matilda's single date with Art to the Fountain Gardens. Coyly approaching them, Art and Matilda were lured in by Meowser's cute playfulness. Little did they know that he would soon be all spread legs and suggestive positions next to them, ruining (or perhaps enhancing) the romantic vibes completely. He even got his own story out of it. Meowser could well have a future in television, I'm still holding out for The Cat-chelor later this year.
Runner-Up: Paleo Chooks
When Art and Poppy found themselves in the midst of a hippy dippy Grey Lynn community farm, a group of gluten-free chickens was almost to be expected. There's a Harvest Wholefoods just round the corner, it's any chick's dream.
Rose for Best Romantic Poem
Winner: Matilda's Haiku
Matilda, looking slightly buzzed on Lindauer, dragged Art aside (kettles in pockets) at the pool party to deliver this heartfelt Haiku. Imagine this printed on a candle or something - merch dream:
this tropical storm
makes my heart go boom for you
give me a rose now
It worked instantly, Art immediately stood up and headed to the rose platter of dreams. Matilda found one of the only The Bachelor NZ cheat codes to get a rose - just ask for one. Genius. Just as Robbie Burns once said, "My love is like a red, red rose. Give me one now."
Runner-Up: Hayley's Rap
At an early cocktail party, Hayley tried to fascinate Art with not only a fascinator, but an ill-measured rap song about their special time together (less than two minutes). It was a huge move for someone whose prior defining feature was "has a smiley face tattoo", but it was about as awkward as you might think.
Rose for Most Awkward Misspeak:
Winner: The Unauthorised History of Black Doris
Kristie had an unforgettable moment with Arthur on their single date, just after he fetched her some Black Doris plum ice-cream from Ye Olde Ice Cream Cart that was precariously parked right next to them.
That's right, in possibly the most racially tense moment of the show (aside from the clear white wash of Bachelorettes), Kristie believed that there was an ice-cream-making matron out there by the name of Black Doris.
Runner-Up: Good Chrystal Hunting
Never one to shy away from an open mouth kiss or an incorrect movie quote, Chrystal followed up her single date bum dance with a new take on an old classic.
Rose for Best Date
Winner: Chrystal at the Museum
This will obviously be a thing of personal preference, but screw jumping out of a plane or bungy jumping - this was the best date by far. If only for the financial gains. Think about it - she got a free dress ($100?), free diamond earrings ($1,000,000?) and some free (albeit day-old) sushi ($6.80?). That's at least a $1,000,106.80 profit. Plus she got to live my Ben Stiller-instilled dream of being at the museum at night.
Runner-Up: Shovelling Zoo Sludge
But it can't be all enchanted exhibits and open-mouth kissing. To pay for Poppy's single date with the lemurs, and Melanie Blatt's eerily coincidental date with the red panda on X Factor, MediaWorks set the girls on a group date of unpaid labour. Their task? To push goo around the alligator enclosure. At least the alligators got pretty excited by the whole thing.
Rose for Best Injury:
Winner: Matilda's Broken Arm
Matilda fell off her nasty horse Paris on the romantic horse riding date. The fall shattered her arm, but galvanised her position in the competition to the very end. It's impossible to send someone home with a broken bone, just like it's impossible not to cry at a chill ambo wearing killer shades.
Runner-Up: Natalie's Chipped Tooth
Who could have predicted so many freak accidents on such a normal, true to life show? On her single date, Natalie jumped off a superyacht with Art. It was supposed to be a daring move to bring them together, all adrenaline rushes and minimal swimsuits. Instead, she immediately chipped her tooth on impact. What a world.
Rose for the Best Flash
Winner: Poppy Pops Out
Runner-Up: Alysha's Bottom-Line
Rose for the Best Special Guest
Winner: Michael Hill
If there's one Kiwi icon who knows more about important rings than Frodo, it's Michael Hill. Presumably flying to the Gold Coast in a diamond encrusted jet, he slithered up to Art's door to help him choose the perfect, hideous, ring.
Runner-Up: Tiki Taane
Despite his loathsome feelings towards other MediaWorks ventures, Tiki had absolutely no qualms being locked for eternity in an Old School House barn and forced to play his greatest hits for two pissed-up newts. So cringe it almost makes you want to submerge deep into a tub of Black Doris' premiere ice cream range.
Rose for Best Mike Puru Moment
Winner: Lads Chat
Art was having a tough and confusing time at the rose ceremony, and found himself outside on the porch with only Mike Puru for guidance. And what guidance he received from Sir Puru himself:
Runner-Up: General Hot Tub Loitering
Just as sure as the hot tub bubbles will rise, Mike was guaranteed to be lingering in the background of these group jacuzzi sessions.
Rose for Best Quote:
Winner: Art's Oh My God and Matilda's Billy Big Balls
It's fitting to have both the Lord and the Lady of the Karaka Bachelor mansion share this honour. Last night saw Art utter the most unbelievably high-pitched old lady "oh my god" after Dani told him she loved him. I don't want to say it changed television forever - but it changed television forever.
But we have to give Matilda props too, the horrific mental imagery evoked by this quote is going to be very hard to forget.
Runner-Up: Mouth-to-mouth
Chrystal directed her first kiss with Art every step of the way, and got very tongue-in-cheek with our Paleo playboy.
Rose for Best Accessory
Winner: One ring to rule them all
Is this the biggest ring that has ever been made? Looks a bit like a bejewelled tealight holder you would buy your aunty for Christmas.
Runner-Up: Carrisa's Nails
Here's a Revlon tip: short of cash? Use pistachio shells on your nails.
• Read more of Alex Casey's Bachelor wisdom here at The Spinoff
- nzherald.co.nz
