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Home / Entertainment

Steve Braunias: Dancing With the Stars: First dance outing good, cruel fun

Steve Braunias
By Steve Braunias
Senior Writer·NZ Herald·
29 Apr, 2018 05:00 PM3 mins to read

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      The 2018 competition kicks off with performances from Gilda Kirkpatrick, Marama Fox and Samantha Hayes. Video / Three

      It was more like dancing with the nobodies, as judged by nobodies, co-hosted by a nobody whose name might have been Sharon, or was it Karen?

      But the first episode of the latest season of Dancing with the Stars NZ was quite good cruel fun, and we might have seen our first glance of the winner.

      Cruel, because all game shows exist on the principle that defeat is abrupt, humiliating, and public. The axe swung over all the opening seven contestants last night and it may well have brushed up against Marama Fox. She got the lowest score from the judges — 17 — and inspired the kind of comment that no one ought to hear, least of all in front of a watching nation: "You've got to close your legs."

      Read more: Former Shorty star's costume breaks the internet

      This was from the hanging judge, Rachel someone. Camilla someone-someone — she has a double-barrelled surname — played the judge who just wishes everybody could win and by the way could we all just get along? Julz someone played the judge who has a distant relationship with the brain.

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      "From the bottom of the South Island to the top of the North Island," he told Fox, "take the direct flight! Keep going! I want to see you back!" But then he gave her a low, low score which wouldn't have got her north of Timaru.

      Is her goose cooked? Rather, is her ham carved? Fox hammed it up something wicked every second she was on camera. Still, she was a shy, discreet presence, next to Shav someone. God almighty.

      "Damn, girl!", said Julz. "Where do you come from?"

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      Plainly, she came from the Land of OTT. Everything was loud, overboard, big movements, tiring.

      Gilda Kirkpatrick with Shay. Photo / THREE
      Gilda Kirkpatrick with Shay. Photo / THREE

      Her choice of costume created problems for the TV cameras. She wore a catsuit. It was as though the director took one look at it and started screaming at the camera operators: "Pull back! In the name of all that's good and holy, pull back!" And so her dance routine was filmed as though from a great distance. Shav got smaller, and lesser, shrinking until she was a speck. You could barely see her.

      More to the point of the exercise, the watching nation could barely see her quite spectacular cleavage.

      But she scored a reasonable 20, more than the Fox and her amazing open legs, more than Robert Rakete, more than Gilda Kirkpatrick, more than Chris Harris. Rakete deserved better. He moved well, with lascivious intent. Kirkpatrick deserved less. She barely seemed to move; her partner lugged her around like a suitcase.

      Discover more

      Entertainment

      As it happened: The return of Dancing with the Stars

      29 Apr 06:50 AM
      Entertainment

      Former Shorty star's costume breaks the internet

      29 Apr 08:51 AM
      Entertainment

      TV wars: DWTS v Survivor NZ - Who won the ratings battle?

      29 Apr 11:40 PM
      Entertainment

      Dancing With The Stars: David Seymour and Zac Franich debut

      30 Apr 07:25 AM

      Harris' score seemed about right. I'd never heard of him before but gather he played cricket to a very high standard. As a dancer, he played cricket to a very high standard.

      Marama Fox with Brad. Photo / Three
      Marama Fox with Brad. Photo / Three

      Jess someone, "a social media influencer", was luminous, and got the highest score of 23. Sam the Newshub presenter at 6 o'clock — the one who isn't Mike McRoberts — scored only one point less with a beautiful and intimate dance.

      "Wow," raved co-host Dai Henwood, the most famous person in the studio. He said wow at everything but when it came to Sam's dance, he actually seemed to mean it. Camilla someone-someone thought she might go all the way. Certainly it was a great start. Go, Sam someone.

      THE POINTS

      Jess Quinn 23
      Samantha Hayes 22
      Shavaughn Ruakere 20
      Chris Harris 18
      Gilda Kirkpatrick 18
      Robert Rakete 17
      Marama Fox 17

      To dance tonight: Naz Khanjani, Suzy Cato, David Seymour, Zac Franich, Roger Farrelly

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