Steve Braunias: Apprentice Aotearoa's final three contestants reveal business plans to 'terminator' panel

The Apprentice Aotearoa's Cassie Roma, Mike Pero and Justin Tomlinson. Photo / Supplied

OPINION

"Money becomes insane," observed D.H. Lawrence, "and people with it." The great sex pest of Nottingham was a visionary. He saw the future. He watched The Apprentice New Zealand before it was ever made. Monday night's penultimate episode of the reality TV show in which grasping Kiwis debase themselves for the price of a $50,000 investment was a portrait of madness.

Gosh, it made for good viewing. The final three contestants revealed their business plan before a panel of three rich people called Sam, Mike, and Anna. The rich, as ever, are different from you and I; they're barely human. The panel were like machines. To be precise, they were terminators. They rolled over the bones of the three contestants and crushed them into fine powder.

It was staggering to realise that each contestant – he-man Michael, beautiful Vanessa, Stephen with the staring eyes – had made it to this point of the series with such lame business plans. What were they thinking? As ever with that question, the answer was: They hadn't been thinking.

The Apprentice Aotearoa broadcasts on TVNZ 1. Photo / Supplied

Michael wanted to create a wellness business. It had something to do with breathing. He calculated that in 10 years time, it would make a $150 million profit. Anna saw right through him. "You've just pulled some figures out of the air," she said. He stared back at her. Maybe he was hoping he'd pull some more figures in the air between them. He looked anything but well, and had trouble breathing.

Keep up with the latest in lifestyle and entertainment

Get the latest lifestyle & entertainment headlines straight to your inbox.

Please email me competitions, offers and other updates. You can stop these at any time.

Email address

Sign Up

By signing up for this newsletter, you agree to NZME’s Terms of Use and Privacy Policy.

Vanessa wanted to expand on her business which does something or other with balloons. Sam asked her, "What are the financials?" She replied, "I'm not good on numbers. It's not my strength." God almighty.

Stephen was good on numbers. The only trouble was that his numbers were the product of magical thinking. He calculated that his business – selling coffee that doesn't give you the jitters and may or may not taste like coffee – might not make a profit in its first year but that nevertheless he would pay himself a wage of $90,000. It was put to him that to receive a $50,000 investment so he could pay himself $90,000 but not return anything to his investors was kind of like incredibly self-serving.

Read More

• The Apprentice Aotearoa ratings revealed: Is the show a hit with Kiwi viewers? - NZ Herald
• The Apprentice Aotearoa: Contestant Olivia Rogers suffered panic attacks, night terrors while f...
• Spy: The claws come out on The Apprentice - NZ Herald
• Steve Braunias: What The Apprentice tells us about capitalism and where to eat - NZ Herald

It didn't bother Stephen in the slightest. "It's generational thinking," he said of Mike's objection. "He's thinking like a Boomer." And maybe he was dead right. I really want Stephen to win The Apprentice. He's crazy as a fox and he does the one thing that all great artists achieve with their madness: He makes it work for himself.

The show ended with host Mike Pero firing poor old Michael. It was sad to see him go. "I have so much love for all of you," he gulped, weeping, overcome, his bones powdering the floor of Pero's office. Good guy. He can always go back to his day job as an auctioneer, a role that literally requires pulling figures out of the air.

The final plays on Tuesday night. Vanessa and Stephen will battle it out for the $50,000 and the glory of becoming New Zealand's next top entrepreneur. You have to watch. For all its greed and derangement, it's a positive show. It reminds us that the want of money is the root of all success.