And now we are 10 ... Tavita says goodbye to The Bachelorette
Farewell, then, Tavita, gentle monarch of the peasantry who bow and scrape for the favours of two eligible women on dating show The Bachelorette.
Good King Tavita had to leave the programme tonight. He was in distress. He had a royal pain — a hernia — and was forced to abdicate. "Aw," wailed the peasants, and were sad to see him go. So was I.
The guy was a prince. He had a royal bearing. The great thing about reality TV trash is that every now and then they come across a complete nobody who doesn't have anything resembling talent or charm but nevertheless possesses an X-factor that inspires your trust and respect. Somehow I can't see this happening to Hannah Tamaki on Dancing with the Stars.
Tavita was open, vulnerable, weepy. Plus, I suppose, hot. Certainly he was a natural leader. He cared for the other contestants, always had their back. You looked at him and thought: Nice guy. His appearance on The Bachelorette could be the beginning of something. I'd buy stuff from him if he advertised it.
But it was the end of his road on the dating show. There was a short, tearful speech from Peasant Jesse, and a typically long and verbose speech from Peasant Liam.
This is the guy who once chaired a meeting with the other peasants by holding up a bottle and announcing that it was, in fact, the Talking Bottle; whoever held it, he blathered, had the right to address one and all. Excellent idea but Peasant Liam appears to be in permanent possession of the Talking Bottle.
The other peasants gave Good King Tavita a guard of honour. He stepped into the night in his nice white suit and black shoes, no socks, and was gone. The guys stumbled back into the room and stared deep into their glasses.
Tellingly, Tavita's farewell from the two bachelorettes was kind of perfunctory. "Okay bye then," muttered Hottie Lily, who never had any time for him. "Miss you, cheers," grimaced Hottie Lesina, who kept him on a string — a very long piece of string — and never really looked as though she entertained the notion of Tavita as a romantic prospect. He was a man's man, a bro's bro.
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His departure brings the contestants down to the final 10. The show, finally, is about to heat up, or at least get lukewarm. It's peasant vs peasant. Peasant Liam, Peasant George, Peasant Terence, and Peasant Kumara don't stand a chance. Peasant Steve is marginal. Peasant Elliott is a dark horse. The front-runners are Peasant Richie, Peasant Jesse and the vile Peasant Aaron.
That just leaves one other contender. If Tavita was like a great Russian Tsar, noble and refined, then Mike is the show's ruthless, sensual, dark-eyed and insanely handsome Rasputin. There's something satanic about that guy. I don't like him. I don't trust him. I wouldn't buy stuff from him if he advertised it.
He's not a bro's bro; he's not one of the guys. In short, he's got a lot going for him. Ra-ra-Rasputin, lover of the Russian Queen ... How can Hottie Lesina resist?