Sideswipe: February 6: Decoding emails, you're welcome

Go find somewhere else to park Tim. Photo / Supplied

Emails translated

Delia tweets: "I have become obsessed with all the insane corporate ways we say normal things to each other. 'I'm a little confused' is my favourite — it's absolute rage masked as a professional pleasantry." There were plenty of replies:

1. My two are "I've attached another copy to this email for your convenience." (Translation: I know you're going to buy yourself time by claiming you lost the previous file.) and "Thanks in advance." (Translation: No, you don't have a choice.)

2. "I'm sorry; I think my email/statement probably wasn't clear. Hopefully this helps" = you're either stupid or deliberately ignored what I said/asked.

3. "Thank you for your feedback! I'll be sure to keep it in mind!" = your criticism is completely irrelevant if not flat out wrong and you know less on the topic than the back end of a donkey, but I have to pretend like I at least considered your opinion.

4. "As previously discussed" = I didn't put in writing last time because I thought you were an adult.

5. I absolutely love how "per my last email" is code for "do you even know how to f***ing read?"

6. "I wanted to follow up" — you forgot didn't you? Didn't you? Am I a joke to you?!

7. "Thanks for looping me in" = You should've come to me 27 emails ago and I would've saved you 26 emails, dummy.

8. "Sorry, I was on mute." — I have no interest in this meeting whatsoever.

9. I complained to my mum once that I didn't have enough "bandwidth" at work for things I enjoyed doing and she was like huh?

10. I have nightmares about hearing "Team, let's make sure we're all aligned".

(Via delia paunescu @delia-p)

Bonking Grass. Photo / Supplied

Joy Martin-Holm was surprised to spot this ... er ... romantic grass at Mitre 10 Mega in New Lynn in the weekend. Wondering what would happen if I planted a bed of it in my garden.

What flight?

Monday's snippet where a reader complained about the cost of a trip to Nelson saying Air New Zealand flights for five people costs $2280, whereas a Jetstar flight for 5 people Auckland to Christchurch AND minivan rental to drive to Nelson was $900 less, misses the point according to Elliott, who writes: "There was no mention of the comparable price of Air NZ Auckland to Christchurch or the Jetstar price Auckland to Nelson ... ohh I forgot Jetstar doesn't serve regional NZ as there is no money in it and only cherry pick the main trunk at peak times."