Sideswipe: August 16: Bisexual bug spray

Calling the news

People contact the media to report breaking news of natural disasters or police commotions in their street and, as journalists reveal, sometimes there are smaller reasons to make contact.
1. "I like the whole 'I know the liberal media won't cover this' insult, then the pitch."
2. "Someone called in a bear sighting that turned out to be a larger person in a fur coat."
3. "My favourite was the guy who called and said his cow was missing. 'Could be aliens or maybe a tornado', he said. He said he was going out with his gun to investigate. I considered sending the photographer."
4. "Many years ago I worked with a wonderful reporter named Tom and one Saturday, a chap walked into the newsroom while Tom was in charge and told him that he was Jesus Christ. Without looking up or removing the constant cigarette from his lips, Tom replied, 'Can't be. He was here yesterday'. The poor fellow had no response, turned and left the building."
5. "I answered the city desk phone at the Star Telegram newspaper when a frantic woman asked me if it was true that Elvis had died. I assured her that he was fine. 'Those kinds of rumours go around all the time', I assured her. Everybody else on the city desk was staring at me like I was a total idiot. Finally, the city editor said, 'Another reader lost to the Dallas Morning News!' Well, nobody told me! The King was, in fact, quite dead. My bad."
6. "Guy who called and wanted his obit to be in the paper. Like ASAP, when he was still alive. I explained you have to die first. He responded, 'But I won't be able to see it then'."

Smirnoff jokes

Smirnoff ran this ad in the 70s but reportedly pulled it after a few months when its market researchers surveyed customers and discovered that "60 per cent of them thought that the Kama Sutra was indeed an Indian restaurant". But the ad lived on in popular memory, inspiring a genre of "Smirnoff jokes". The slogan turned out to be the inspiration of the graffi artists as catchphrases such as the following began appearing on walls: "I thought innuendo was an Italian suppository until I discovered Smirnoff", and "I thought cirrhosis was a type of cloud until I discovered Smirnoff".

Good old school days

A flurry of recollections in the Guardian: "Fifty years ago, a form at Clive Mowforth's school was a supposedly anonymous attempt to assess the extent of smoking among pupils. Against the question 'Sex', someone had written 'Yes, please'. There was then a witch-hunt to find the culprit. Analysis of handwriting narrowed it to me and one other boy. While I agreed with the sentiment, it was not me, Sir." Former principal Val Hart remembers once having to return end-of-year reports to one teacher with terrible handwriting. "He had reassured a large number of parents that their offspring "should achieve a piss in June." And retired teacher, Janet Lewis remembers – quite fondly – the absence note referring to a pupil's "dire rear".

Kindness of strangers

Dawn writes: "We were four weary seniors who came home from a South Island holiday to find my car window covered in plastic and sticky tape. Ready to burst into tears because the car had been broken into, I opened the door expecting broken glass and havoc caused by thieves.  But then I realised an angel had noticed I hadn't put the window up completely and last week's Auckland rain was pouring into my car.  A stranger who travels with a large sheet of plastic, a wide roll of tape and the generosity of spirit performed a lovely act of kindness – a huge thanks goes to you from all of us."