Sideswipe: April 13: I don't want to be firewood

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Sounds like a lie but it's true…

A reader writes: "I had to defer the exams for one of my degree units for two years. It was Medieval French and I had not touched the subject during those two years. I was OK with the literature part of the exam, but for part of it I also had to translate a text into English. The night before, I panicked, went to the uni library, selected a book in Medieval French at random from the shelves, opened it at random and translated a page. Then I thought sod it and went off to the bar. When I got into the exam the next day and looked at the text, it was the exact passage I had translated the night before."

Most annoying nicknames for children used by parents

Junior: Hard to tell if this is a self-aware throwback to the clean-cut families of old American sitcoms, or if the parents in question are just mindlessly taking all their behavioural cues from TV. Regardless, remember that giving your child an identical name to your own so they have to be differentiated in another way is weird.
The Clan: Traditionally used by middle-class parents to describe the horde of children they spawned before stopping because they felt guilty about the environmental impact. Far from being the rabble they picture them to be, these children are unnervingly smart and correct your grammar for fun.
The heir and the spare: Pity the kids who hear these. The eldest will feel immense pressure to live up to expectations, while the youngest will have a void where their youthful zest for life should be. Each will go off the rails in unique but spectacular ways when they grow up.

Duelling signage

Did you know…

1. If you could stand on the equator of Mars at noon, your feet would be pleasantly warm while your head would feel freezing cold.
2. A 2013 survey found that 41 per cent of UK households had a pot of hummus in the fridge.
3. Jigsaw puzzles almost never have the number of pieces described on the box. To preserve aspect ratio, most 500 piece jigsaws have 513 pieces, and 1000 piece jigsaws have 1026 pieces.
4. The B-52's song Rock Lobster inspired John Lennon to start making music again in 1980, because it reminded him of his wife Yoko's work.
5. Whales have inverted nipples and produce milk so fatty it has the same texture as toothpaste.