Paul Casserly: TV's Best Quotes: 'No Religion. No foreplay. No cigarette afterwards.'

Singer Justin Bieber. Photo / AP

Yes folks it's now autumn. Summer is gone and death creeps ever closer. On the upside, the Super 15 has kicked off with a bang and everyone's been busy downloading the second series of House of Cards. And of course, "winter is coming" with a new Game of Thrones due in a matter of weeks. Soho have even given the show it's very own channel (210).

If only people would stop sending nasty tweets to the nice chimps at TVNZ. What? They made those up? Hang on, that's actually brilliant. Bullying of the self is a little known but widespread crime and I think it's time we talked about it openly. I've been trolling myself with my internal twitter feed for years, and I've had enough. "Shut up you dick," said my brain, just now. "Just give them the best/worst February TV quotes, you stupid looking loser."

The questions. Who said these?

1. "If I was Justin Bieber I'd inject heroin into my eyes and drive my Lamborghini at 200 miles an hour into the first f***** wall I came across."

2. "10 years ago I was gen y, now I'm gen why?"

3. "I'm a bit of a c***."

4. "He hooked up with a girl whose name is almost an STD."

5. "You could always do a Wayne Rooney. It only cost like ten grand."

6. "You're a f***** nugget."

7. "I can't go in open water unless I'm menstruating."

8. "No religion. No foreplay. No cigarettes afterwards."

9. "Two men convicted of murder were playing PlayStation just hours after the killing."

10. "Give me back my oven mitt!"

The answers.

1. "If I was Justin Bieber I'd inject heroin into my eyes and drive my Lamborghini at 200 miles an hour into the first f***** wall I came across." British media masher Charlie Brooker gets inside the head of Bieber - or as he calls him; "Pop's Prince Joffery" - and comes to the conclusion that his behaviour is the least we should expect. He's not afraid to offend Bieber but saves his bitterest bile for "the bunch of sanctimonious parasites" who get paid to bitch about the teen idol. Brooker's Weekly Wipe, a hilariously caustic roundup of British TV, is available here, and includes a review of the new Sherlock which starts on TV1 next Saturday. But Eastenders and Coronation Street fans beware if you fear SPOILERS.

2. "10 years ago I was gen y, now I'm gen why?" Said Phil, one of more quotable contestants of TV3's The Block: Allstars.

3. "I'm a bit of a c***." Yes, it's the word that rhymes with "punt" although it is always less powerful when directed at oneself. This was not what Peter Williams tweeted in a vicious, if fictitious, attack on himself, rather it was the only sensible thing said by Freddy, a 'contestant' on the crime/game show Police 10/7. His prize was to be bundled into the back of a police car and taken to the station. On the way he also added this tempting yet perplexing request: "How about you give me a punch in the neck, but just don't tell my mum".

4. "He hooked up with a girl whose name is almost an STD." I bet you're thinking it has something to do with the Act Party convention, but alas, this was Jade Louise on TV3's cultural tohunga The GC. Meanwhile, Jade's ex, Tame, seems to have taken on Act's 'boot straps' philosophy with his new business venture, observing that "there's plenty of demand for topless waitering on the Gold Coast".

5. "You could always do a Wayne Rooney, it only cost like ten grand." In New Zealand it's mostly cricketers and the odd politician who have dealt with their baldness with some sort of 'rug' or 'weave', but in Europe, soccer star Wayne Rooney is the poster boy for 'advancing' one's hair. This advice was given to Nigel, or 'Nidge', the bald crime-boss on the excellent Irish gangster series Love/Hate which has been showing on Rialto.

6. "You're a f***** nugget." Again TVNZ staffers come to mind and although the person who said this features on one of TV2's top rating shows it was actually said to a cameraman or woman who works for the production known as Nabbed, the network's latest, and best, cops and drunks show. The man in question was an abusive motorcyclist with a particularly terrible attitude. The cop who dealt with him was spectacularly unfazed; "I've had teenage daughters so I can handle anything".

7. "I can't go in open water unless I'm menstruating." There's only one person on TV presently who is likely to be heard saying such a thing and that person would be Jessa from Girls who was explaining why she wouldn't join Marnie in the surf.

8. "No religion. No foreplay. No cigarette afterwards." Finally the Peter Williams quote, right? Na, this was Ruud Kleinpaste aka 'The Bugman' on a lovely story about the sexlife of cicadas on Campbell Live. The insightful item dissolved into a philosophical musing between Ruud and reporter Ali Ikram which brought to mind Harrelson and McConaughey on True Detective.

9. "Two men convicted of murder were playing PlayStation just hours after the killing." Said the promo for a news item coming up on TV One's Late News. "Those bloody computer games," muttered Ethel in Port Chalmers.

10. "Give me back my oven mitt!" This was the repeated plea from 'Debbie' one of the 'stars' of TV2's Neighbours At War, who accused her neighbour of pinching her beloved oven mitt, which was hanging on her front door. It's fair to say that the case was less than clear-cut, although her neighbour looked like he knew his way around a PlayStation.