Paul Casserly: A year in telly quotes

Paul Casserly casts his mind back over some of the best quotes from the goggle box last year.

Before I start my collection of the best, worst and just plain bamboozling quotes from the goggle box in 2015, I thought I would revisit the ones that stuck with me from the year that was.

All the "best of the year" lists have exhausted the likes of Pam Corkery's "puffed up little shit", so I have instead gone for the hidden gems that seeped into the parts of my brain that still light up occasionally, allowing me the simple pleasures of operating a barbecue and watching copious episodes of MasterChef: Australia.

My top 10 TV quotes of 2014:

1) "I wish I was old enough so I could swear, and then the bleepy thing would come on."

2) "Colin goes loose leaf because tea-bagging goes against family values."

3) "It's like being hit by lightning while being eaten by a shark."

4) "I'm going upstairs to take off my hat."

5) "She is a whopping great political distraction in an Adrienne Winkelmann jacket."

6) "He asked me if I wanted to see his calf muscles."

7) "He acts humble in front of people but in the changing room he's always taking his top off and looking at himself in the mirror."

8) "Put the iceblock in the car and your hands on your head."

9) "You can always tell an idiot from their views on vaccinations."

10) "Most Hurricanes fans are like dogs who have been beaten by their owners."

And who said them?

1) "I wish I was old enough so I could swear, and then the bleepy thing would come on."

Lisa, a sick girl on Campbell Live vented her frustration at three women who stole the money her dad was collecting for her to go on a trip. CCTV footage showed the bleeping, bleep-heads making off with the jar of cash, but Lisa and her dad got the last laugh as Campbell Live viewers passed around the hat and came up with several thousand dollars.

2) "Colin goes loose leaf because tea-bagging goes against family values."

Dai Henwood, on the 7 Days election special while looking at a picture of Colin Craig and Christine Rankin having a cup of tea.

3) "It's like being hit by lightning while being eaten by a shark."

So reckoned an imaginative statistician on the odds of winning the New York State lottery of US$321million ($419.4 million) as retold on Last Week Tonight with John Oliver. The show shone a light on the peril of lotteries and pokie machines and observed that people who buy Lotto tickets blow an average of $106 a year while pokie players lose $2564. "That's enough to buy a Mazda", observed Oliver.

4) "I'm going upstairs to take off my hat."

Lady Mary on Downton Abbey (Prime) drops a subtle hint to Lord Grantham that she has no interest in hearing him drone on about the changing class structures or whatever. Either that or a stage direction was mistaken for a line, though it hardly matters, only the Dowager gets the good bits these days. Meanwhile in the real world, the show's labrador, Isis, is taking heat thanks to those buggers in Iraq. Observant travellers may have spotted a Toyota Isis on their travels this summer.

5) "She is a whopping great political distraction in an Adrienne Winkelmann jacket."

More Paddy Gower magic, this time as a guest on a political panel on Native Affairs, as he was describing Judith Collins and the negative impact that the minister of power dressing was having on the National Party in the wake of the Dirty Politics revelations.

Gower also reckoned: "She just can't help herself, she's like an actress." Expect more Oscar-worthy performances this year.

6) "He asked me if I wanted to see his calf muscles."

As pickup lines go, Act Party leader Jamie White's one to his now wife, Zaniab, earns points for originality, and it clearly worked. The couple had their home invaded by serial politico stalker John Campbell as part of his entertaining series, At Home with the Leaders.

Zaniab didn't seem to be enjoying the cut and thrust of political life. "I just want it to come to a conclusion so we can get on with our lives."

Jamie seemed put out and replied, "But with me in Parliament?"

Zaniab: "Of course, we haven't done this for nothing, you've got to get in!"

Wonder if he's out of the dog box yet?

7) "He acts humble in front of people but in the changing room he's always taking his top off and looking at himself in the mirror."

Hurricane's player Cory Jane with the inside word on fellow winger Julian Savea.

8) "Put the iceblock in the car and your hands on your head."

Obviously inspired by the "blow on the pie" cop, an armed policeman yelled this out to a suspect on an Auckland street. I'm guessing a pineapple Fruju.

9) "You can always tell an idiot from their views on vaccinations."

Well the French are known to be blunt. I would say firm but fair. That from one of the weary looking French cops on the Anglo/French remake of The Bridge, which became The Tunnel, an excellent series that somehow missed most of the best of the year lists.

10) "Most Hurricanes fans are like dogs who have been beaten by their owners."

The Crowd Goes Wild's Mark Richardson processing the strange turn of events that saw the Hurricanes briefly at the top of the Super Rugby table.

- nzherald.co.nz