Paul and Mike's battle of the mic

What would Mike Hosking, left, say to Paul Henry, if he dared?

This week, colourful broadcaster Paul Henry was announced as the new host of a TV, radio and online breakfast show. There has been no reaction from his radio rival, top-rating NewstalkZB host Mike Hosking. So we asked someone what he's likely thinking, and here's how Twitter parody @MikePerfectHosk sees it.

Describe Paul Henry in 10 words.

Ten? Really? Surely "bespectacled, balding moron" describes him perfectly. And then you have seven words left to describe me.

What chance does Henry stand of taking your top radio rating spot?

I would say about the same chance a Mt Difficulty pinot noir has of getting a Robert Parker rating over 90. And if you don't get that wine reference you weren't supposed to, but let me assure you it's perfectly apt, and brilliant.

How intimidated are you that Henry used to work for the BBC?

"Paul Henry used to work for ..." that phrase really is one of the few constants in his career isn't it? Am I intimidated about the BBC thing? Of course not. The only time I can remember being intimidated was when I was at a function collecting yet another media award and I saw this amazingly fashion-forward guy dressed with incredible "just stepped out of a typhoon" hair styling and "these cost more than a state house" Jimmy Choo shoes. And then I realised I was looking in a subtly positioned mirror.

You're obviously used to the early morning starts, how do you think an older Henry will handle them?

It's true, I do enjoy the solitude of the early morning and the quality time with the most important person in my life. I think Paul will be okay. Older people need less sleep so that will help him for sure. And of course he'll be up all night worrying about his slumping ratings, so the early starts probably won't be a problem for him. Anyway, based on his TV career, if you can call it that, it's not the early starts to his shows that are the problem for him, it's the early finishes.

TV3 aims at a younger audience, are you worried the kids will switch onto Henry?

I never worry, it can create facial lines and I have too much respect for my collagen for that. Anyway young people today are generally very socially responsible. I'm sure someone will create a viral "Friends don't let friends listen to Paul Henry" campaign.

Is Katie a fan of Paul's?

Katie has very charitable instincts. I think she would support any elderly person giving something a go, no matter how deluded or doomed to failure.

Being an avid car enthusiast, what do you think of Henry's collection? Who is the better driver?

Really? Comparing my car collection with his? It's like comparing my wine cellar with a box of Woodstock Bourbon & Cola and other assorted RTDs. I mean, the man has talked proudly about owning a Toyota. A Toyota! I'll bet he's never owned a car that ends in "i" -- incidentally my favourite of all the letters. And it's a bit difficult to compare our driving skills because I drive late model European cars whereas he drives breakfast TV shows off cliffs.

Finally, what will you write in your Christmas card to Henry?

Well, the more important question is whether I'll use the Mont Blanc Starwalker pen or the Mont Blanc Heritage pen. But it's important to put aside our differences and for me to say something heartfelt. So:

Dear Paul,

Roses are red,

And when they're dead they're black,

I reckon by Easter they'll give you the sack.

Yours in condescending condolence, Mike Hosking, award-winning and Number 1 rating breakfast radio host.