In ugly scenes, the Married At First Sight runaway groom has returned to gaslight his wife and publicly mock her — days after fleeing the country and rejecting her calls.
No one likes to be ghosted. It's hurtful and humiliating. But this Married At First Sight ghosting is next level. Not only is this husband rejecting his wife's calls, he's also made up a fake funeral and booked international flights just to avoid her. I thought Grindr hook-ups ignoring me in Coles was bad.
It has been four days and Lizzie still hasn't heard from her runaway husband Samuel, who ditched her less than 24 hours after their wedding and fled the country. Tonight's episode opens with dramatic scenes inside Lizzie's hotel room.
We stand over a half-asleep Lizzie. She's tangled in a mess of sheets and hair extensions. Bleary eyed, she sits on the edge of the bed and attempts to brush her hair. The sound is … very crunchy.
With each stroke of the brush her temper rises. She can't believe she got dumped for a fake funeral. "I will see him again … even if it's in a year. I will find Sam and hunt him down," she pledges.
When her hair brush eventually breaks, Lizzie pads out to the living room, picks up the leftover Dairy Milk and rolls back in bed to eat it while lying down. She'll save the toast-pizza for later. Moments later, she returns to the coffee table and picks up the Cadbury family-block packet. It's empty.
Things just keep going downhill for Lizzie.
Out of nowhere, we cut to Cyrell and Nic on their honeymoon where they're playing tug-of-war in a muddy creek and Nic is naked. No context is given and we're just supposed to accept this.
But you can't play naked tug-of-war in a creek forever. Eventually, you have to come home to attend a dramatic dinner party in a random warehouse with a bunch of other losers who couldn't find relationships on their own.
Ines is really coming around to Bronson.
"I plan to walk in 10 metres away from Bronson because I'm so embarrassed to be his wife," she tells us. "I feel like I'm taking my rubbish bin with me."
While Ines separates her recyclables, others have already arrived at the dinner party. Mike notices some things about Jessika.
"I like Jessika … she's a pretty little girl from the coast. I didn't wanna mention the Botox on the lips. But she's clearly had Botox on the lips. I'm not a fan of it but I find her a really attractive young girl," he tells us and, really, thanks for your opinions, Mike.
Ines is worried everyone will find out her rubbish bin used to be a stripper, so she tries her best to keep it under wraps.
"My husband looks like a full porn star. Right? He looks like a full porn star. He used to be a stripper," she announces to the room.
No one knows how to respond but it's OK because right at that moment Lizzie enters alone while eating a slice of pizza-toast.
The experts pretend like they had no idea about Sam's fake funeral or the fact Lizzie has been holed up at a Meriton OD-ing on Cadbury.
Lizzie begins to tell the girls her unfortunate situation. Obviously Ines stands on the outskirts of this conversation while giggling.
"Ha ha ha! Like, how? It's so soon!" she observes to no one in particular.
By now, everyone has heard that Sam has fled the country.
"So are you still together?" Jessika asks. Ugh, pay attention, Jessika. People don't eat pizza-toast and handbag biscuits if their marriage is solid.
Not everyone is as compelled by Lizzie's missing husband story.
"What would you do if Sam showed up tonight?" Jessika asks Lizzie. Well, funny you should ask that, Jessika. Because here's a Samuel we prepared earlier!
After ghosting Lizzie and fleeing the country to attend a top secret international funeral, Samuel has returned. The experts don't even pretend to not be responsible for this set-up.
Lizzie lets rip. She demands to know why Samuel didn't respond to the single voicemail she left him. Sam is all "LOL, who checks voicemail," and, honestly, he's right.
He denies even having voicemail to begin with but Lizzie has the receipts.
Samuel keeps rolling out the excuses as to why he attempted to cut Lizzie out of his life with no explanation.
"I couldn't contact you, I was at a funeral" he says.
"A funeral is one day," she rebuts.
"Yeah … but … I didn't have your number," he stumbles. How Lizzie had Sam's number, we do not know. But we're not here to inflame the situation.
Sam has a plan. He plays it cool and calm so Lizzie looks super crazy.
"No need to carry on, talk to me like a human being. How old are you? We're adults," he says, gaslighting his wife. It only angers Lizzie more.
"You're so angry, you should relax, just breath," Sam taunts. "No need to be angry. You just gotta calm down."
Lizzie gets even more irate. In a low blow, Sam laughs at her while shovelling dessert into his mouth. He then mocks her by making fun of her wild hand gestures but he doesn't realise she has to move her hands like that because her nails are so long.
It's ugly and we're all gobsmacked. Well, not all of us.
Ines refuses to talk to anyone at the dinner table, which means she's had a lot of time to observe. She decides to chime in with a level-headed theory.
"Ummmm, I think Sam went to the funeral and had sex with his ex girlfriend," she chirps to us.
She has more wisdom to impart.
"If I was Elizabeth, I would have sex with him for as long as I could before he left me," she shares. It's honestly like Oprah is in the room.
But she's not done.
"In real life he would never look at her. He's that hot," she adds. "I think Elizabeth is kidding herself. Absolutely kidding herself."
Lizzie isn't going to let Sam just breeze back in without an explanation. She wants answers, so she drags her husband away.
Instead of cutting to his piece-to-camera observations, producers decide to do a weird thing where they play what Sam said with echoey sound effects as if it's an inner-monologue in a movie. We appreciate the post-prod initiative, but we don't like the creativity and this effect should not be used again.
Sam wants to shut her up. So he says the one thing that will do that.
"Sorry," he grunts. It works. She believes him.
All the focus has been on Lizzie and Jessika is feeling left out so she begins to cry.
"Heidi's partner Mike just looked directly at Mick and I and said, 'Oh that is fake'. It was directed straight at me," she whimpers.
Everyone looks at her straight-faced and the lack of shock only upsets her more. We're seven hours into this drunken dinner party, so of course Jessika is going to confront Mike.
This is a transcript of the argument.
"Nah I didn't."
"Yes you did!"
"Nah I didn't."
"Yes you did!"
Mike's so bored by this encounter he'd rather listen to Heidi's government housing story again. There's only one thing he can do to make it stop: Lie.
"Sweetheart, ya wrong. There's nothing about you that looks fake to me. I look at you and don't see a fake girl."
No one at the table believes Jessika so she decides there's only one way to prove it.
"OK, well, do I need to draw a diaphragm?" she spits, looking for a pen.
There's a pause. We all purse our lips.
"Um … Diagram?" Mark replies. He relishes the moment.
Jessika's husband Mick wants to be on his wife's side but he hates confrontation and didn't hear the comment in the first place. It all ends in Jessika reacting very sensibly.
"You do this every time!" she wails.
They've been together four days.
"Why don't you pour yourself another f*cking beer and f*ck off," she howls while running off hysterically.
The dining table is a mess. The alcohol has dried up and everyone is slumped over, exhausted after spilling their hearts out. It has only been one week and they're emotionally drained. They look at the clock. It's 3am. Everyone begins to regret signing up for this turmoil.
Well, not everyone.