The secret diary of ... Winston vs Hosking

"National Party stooge" Mike Hosking and "grumpy, bored" Winston Peters. Photos / Jason Oxenham, Peter de Graaf

Steven Joyce

I've never seen Mike like this before. He puts up a facade of a sour, heartless and rather pathetic little brute who seems as though he doesn't give a shit about anything, but right now he's hurting.

I phoned him up the second I finished reading Winston Peters' spiteful newspaper column accusing Mike of being "a National Party stooge", and said, "Mate. Don't worry about it. We're proud to have you as a stooge."

He said, "Peters has gone too far this time."

"Yes. Yes, he has. Listen. All this comes down to is that Peters is outraged that a commentator is allowed to have a different view to them."

He said, "It's what a broadcaster does, isn't it? We challenge authority."

"Well. Steady on. Within reason."

He said, "I didn't mean your authority. When have I ever questioned the Government? How many times?"

"Maybe once or twice. For appearance sake."

He said, "It's not that I show bias. It's just that I agree with the philosophy and positive attitude of the Government. In some respects it's just a coincidence."

"We say there's no dairy crisis, you say there's no dairy crisis - we both deal in facts. Do you want me to come and get you? Where are you?"

He said, "I'm in a very dark place."

"Are you on a ledge?"

He said, "No, under a house. I don't like it. It's dark."

"You've got to come out, mate. New Zealand needs you. We need you."

He said, "No. I'm sick of all the put-downs. No one takes me seriously. Everyone thinks I'm a sour, heartless and rather pathetic little brute. Goodbye!"

The line went dead. I called John. "Our friend in the communications department needs help," I said.

John Key

I called Steven and said, "I've just had a vino with Paul Henry. He's fine."

He said, "Not that friend. The other friend."

I said, "This could take all day. Could you be more specific?"

Steven Joyce

We looked under his house. He wasn't there.

John Key

Max phoned and said, "There's a smell coming from under our house."

Steven Joyce

John phoned and said, "He's under my house."

I said, "Have you talked to him?"

He said, "I'm sending in an expert. Someone who knows all about the special pressures of life in the public eye - and who turns them to his advantage."

Max Key

I slipped under the house and found him curled in the foetal position.

"Uncle Mike," I said.

He said, "It's no good. You're wasting my time. I'm not coming out."

"Suit yourself."

We lay there for a while, and he said, "I suppose you're wondering what I'm doing underneath your house."

"No, I get it," I said. "It's where you feel safe and warm. Protected. I do the same."

He said, "You come here?"

"Actually," I said, "I tend to lie under your house."

He said, "Kate said she thought she saw you once. How come? Problems at home?"

"Nothing like that," I said, "but sometimes I think you're the only person who truly understands what it's like to be me. So I lie in the dark underneath your house and kind of soak up where you're at. You're an inspiration to me - and many people like me."

He said, "I am?"

"My dream," I said, "is that one day you'll choose me as your successor as the host of Seven Sharp and the voice of breakfast radio on Newstalk ZB.

He said, "It's true that you're uniquely qualified. But you've got a lot to learn."

"Teach me, master," I said. "Listen. I'm hungry. Let's grab a bite to eat somewhere."

Steven Joyce

I don't know what Max said to him, but it's great that Mike has come to his senses. We need him to draw attention to the flag debate now more than ever.