Paul Casserly: TV's best quotes - 'I'm going upstairs to take off my hat'

October came and went like a German freedom camper, friendly enough, but leaving a faint suspicion that giardia might be waiting for us somewhere downstream. The fun and flair of the election has settled into stark reality as John Key's regime pushes on with its optimistic utopian vision for New Zealand declaring Jihad on tea breaks and shedding some of those annoying state houses.

Oh well, at least Mike Hosking and Toni Street seem to be happy, though where to go after achieving smirk-factor ten? For Paul Henry the answer is everywhere, as the new MediaWorks plan for his cross format domination was announced, much to the dismay of Marcus Lush fans everywhere.

It got worse. News channels were all Ebola, Isis and school-yard shootings.

In times of such dystopia, TV can also sooth and distract, and so MKR and The Block droned on gloriously, creating new household names along the way, there was even a Kiwi on Project Runway, now rezoned to Vibe on Sky, but just as good as ever. Prime had local drama success with the old fashioned charm of the The Brokenwood Mysteries, while former 48 Hour Film teams The Downlow Concept and Lens Flare joined forces for TV1's impressive kiwi-music-comedy-sausage-sizzle, Coverband, turning muso Laughton Kora into a TV star along the way. I've been soaking up Gotham, The Walking Dead and the final, luscious season of Boardwalk Empire, though watching everyone die has been a bit of jolt. Inexplicably, I've started to watch Downton Abbey again.

As ever, I have pulled together a bunch of things that our TV folk said - the good, the bad and the fugly. See if you can guess who said them.

The quotes

1.

"If men could get pregnant, abortion would be a sacrament."

2. "A 25 year old kills his mother's pony on the beach, while his friend films the whole thing. Stay with us, if you fancy that story."

3. "Me and my mates are going to the strippies, wanna come?"

4. "It was good you never knew your father, he was bad blood."

5. "I'm going upstairs to take off my hat."

6. "Holy Mary Mother of God send me down a couple of bob."

7. "Do you care about the flag? I don't."

8. "It's like an out of body experience."

9. "I spent my whole entire life doing good things for other people, and one day I'm gonna stand here and tell you, I told you so."

10. "If you came across some strange mucus or faeces or something on the subway or the street or anywhere else, don't eat it."

The context

1. "If men could get pregnant, abortion would be a sacrament."

Among other things, it's lines like these, from Alica Florrick (Julianna Margulies), that keep me watching

The Good Wife

on TV3.

2. "A 25 year old kills his mother's pony on the beach, while his friend films the whole thing. Stay with us if you fancy that story." A news anchor on Russian news channel RT, casts doubt on the newsworthiness of a story from Denmark that came complete with close-ups of pony blood and guts splattered on the beach.

3. "Me and my mates are going to the strippies, wanna come?" Said a cute blonde woman to Coverband singer Jukebox, (Laughton Kora) who, after a moment of stunned delight replied, "that's the most beautiful thing a girl has ever said to me."

4. "It was good you never knew your father, he was bad blood."
Saddam Hussein's Mum's dying words, according to the HBO miniseries House of Saddam (Soho). Saddam replied, "You, gave me nothing", as the old lady took her last breath. As a family the Hussein's make the Sopranos look like the Brady Bunch, though, understandably, the miniseries was rather short on laughs.
"You think violence is a pastime" Saddam said to his psychopath son Uday "violence is not a pastime, violence is a tool."

5. "I'm going upstairs to take off my hat." Lady Mary on Downton Abbey (Prime) drops a subtle hint to Lord Grantham that she has no interest in hearing him drone on about the changing class structures or whatever. Either that or a stage direction was mistaken for a line, though it hardly matters, only the Dowager gets the good bits these days. Meanwhile in the real word, the show's Labrador "Isis" is taking heat thanks to those buggers in Iraq.

6. "Holy Mary Mother of God send me down a couple of bob." A lovely prayer for a lottery win, Benefits Street style.

7. "Do you care about the flag? I don't." Seven Sharp's Mike Hosking makes his views crystal clear on the proposal to change the flag.

8. "It's like an out of body experience." MKR "grass eater" or "modern day hippie" Neena Truscott in the final episode in which she and her partner Belinda MacDonald were crowned champions. For anyone who stayed the distance, leaving one's body was a familiar sensation.

9. "I spent my whole entire life doing good things for other people, and one day I'm gonna stand here and tell you, I told you so. Thank you." John Banks outside his court of appeal appearance on TV3's 3rd Degree after presenting his case via two Americans who claim to have been at the Dotcom mansion the day he allegedly asked for 2 separate checks to be made out to team "Banksy." The Americans say the conversation never happened, although on the evidence so far it's fair to assume that the tacky palace contains some sort of bulk memory eraser in the basement, or perhaps inside that Rhino?

10. "If you come across some strange mucus or faeces or something on the subway or the street or anywhere else, don't eat it." This is actual advice from New York TV's Inside City Hall, as reported on Last Week Tonight with John Oliver (Soho). Oliver has been doing solid work calling out the American media's hyperbolic coverage of the Ebola story.

Don't miss these:

• Native Affairs, special season finale, Monday 8.30pm Maori TV

• The Strain, episode one, sensational horror thrills from Guillermo del Toro and Chuck Hogan, Thursday, 8.30pm, The Zone (new Sky channel next to Comedy Central)

• Olive Kitterage, Thursday 8.30pm Soho.
Always worth watching anything with Frances McDormand in it.

- nzherald.co.nz