Turns out - duh - she's fine and well and living in New Zealand. But Kyle becomes convinced he's seen the future and must stop the inevitable.
Still with me? It's quite a tall tale.
Despite the exotic locale and cinematography capturing the pristine white beaches, turquoise waters and carefree kids, that's not enough to save it from feeling awkwardly B-grade.
Along the way Kirk Torrance shows up as a rock star-like reverend, and Temuera Morrison plays the patriarch of a wealthy pearl-farming family.
So for novelty value, and local flavour, it's worth tuning in.
It's a shame that's the only reason, as it's not often you see such diversity showing up on international screens.
The cultural aspects and customs, and the smattering of te reo spoken, seem so far at least, authentic. But ultimately this is about two lads wanting to get on the lash in another land, and launching, somewhat unnaturally, into the supernatural.
Their flimsy characterisations don't do British tourists any favours, either. Hero Kyle, (Joe Layton, a deadringer for Anthony Starr in the looks department) won't shut up about the supposed death in paradise.
Meanwhile halfwit Paul, aka Budgie (Theo Barklem-Biggs), spends much of the time making inappropriate digs and trying to get out of trouble.
After attending a church service on the island, he quips, "Ever seen The Wicker Man? I think this is the sequel."
It suggests Tatau should be a comedy-horror too - and in some ways, unintentionally or otherwise, it is.