Matt Heath: The pros and cons of wearing Speedos

The Speedo peaked in popularity for New Zealand men in the 1970s and '80s. Photo / 123rf

OPINION:

Is it okay to for a middle-aged man to wear a tiny Speedo at a public pool? If you are a competitive swimmer or high diver, wearing a minute budgie smuggler is a tool of your trade. That’s fine. Things become more challenging when an everyday, overweight, saggy-butted Kiwi male (like me) dons one - especially for the people who have to look at it.

A bunch of friends and I are flying to Fiji today, staying at the beautiful Hilton Fiji Beach Resort and Spa on Denarau Island. One of the great things about warm, happy places like Fiji is the lack of luggage needed. You can fit everything required for a good time in your carry-on. For a four-day trip, I’ve packed a pair of shorts, flip flops, three T-shirts, a horrific Hawaiian shirt, and undies times the number of days times two. There’s currently no room in my luggage for bulky boardshorts. Enter the Speedo. An incy-wincy budgie smuggler takes up next to no space. The question is, does the extra room gained in my bag offset the intense humiliation a skimpy swimmer will inflict on my travelling companions?

Speedo is one of those brands like Google, Band-Aid, Tupperware, Zoom, and Sellotape that became the universal name for their type of product. They didn’t invent them, but small swimming briefs will always be known as Speedos. Personally, I rock a French Riviera-style blue Triumph & Disaster number. A sexy blue Euro trunk.

The Speedo peaked in popularity for New Zealand men in the 1970s and 80s. Back then, you were expected to wear minute bathers at public baths, beaches, barbecues, the local dairy, and on the terraces of all One Day International cricket fixtures. The good times weren’t to last. When the joy-free 1990s arrived, the nation’s males moved to boring and conservative board shorts. Thankfully, in the year 2000, little togs came back with a vengeance. Ray Winstone looked so good in the opening sequence of the British black comedy Sexy Beast, Kiwi men once again leaned into swimming nicks. Ray’s tight yellow togs, brown body and tanning oil made being a half-nude overweight man fashionable again. It was a hot time. Sadly, the revival was short-lived. By 2010, the board shorts were back. Now, in 2022, Speedos are coming back.

Fashion aside, is it morally right to wear a little water brief at a family beach, public baths, or resort pool? Desperate for an answer, I randomly surveyed the listeners of the Matt and Jerry Breakfast Show on Radio Hauraki. The question posed: ‘Should a man of my age and body mass index, wear small togs in public?’ The response was as passionate as it was lewd. Here’s a small sample of the tsunami of feedback we got on the issue.

Jarrod from Te Puke texted, “Don’t do it. You’ll spend the whole time worrying about that awkward hinterland where you can’t really tell what’s leg hair and what’s other hair. It’s a shambles.”

Raewyn from Gisbourne shared her thoughts - “Every bloke knows what happens in cold water, why would you want to draw attention to that fact?”

Finally, Storme from Christchurch claimed, “Nobody wants to see a dirty dog like you in his Speedo walking around with his gut hanging over the top while he thinks he’s God’s gift to the women of the world.”

That last comment from Storme hit a little bit close to home, so I thought I’d get scientific on the issue and put together a pros and cons list to help make the decision.

Cons of the space-saving Speedo

• If you are running a grower rather than a shower, there are no secrets in the Speedo.
• The lack of surface area on a Speedo can lead to inner thigh sunburn.
• The revealing nature of a Speedo may cause people, especially those with kids, to keep a safe distance.

Pros of the space-saving Speedo

• Increases a man’s speed through the water.
• ¼ the carbon footprint of board shorts.
• Post-swim, the Speedo drys in seconds.
• A small swimming brief sets off the open shirt, jandals, and medallion combo perfectly.
• Helps foster tiny swimwear equity with 2022 females.

The pros have it. The results are conclusive; Kiwi males, do yourself a favour this summer - ditch the humiliating boardshorts and slide yourself into a tiny Speedo.

Actually, with results this decisive, I’ll be wearing mine on the plane.