The Super Soaker: Fills pots with water instead of cleaning at the time. Crowds the laundry with multiple items of clothing in buckets. Drowns cutlery in the sink instead of doing the dishes. The Super Soaker will then completely forget about these pools of unfinished business until someone else does the job.
The Show Home: Happy for the house to exist in a disastrous state until other people are about to visit. They will then fly into an emotional frenzy and force everyone into a last-minute clean-up. This person will also become angry and refuse to have people round because “the house is a mess”. Constructs a personality and a sense of self worth around the tidiness of their abode.
The Half Jobber: These people run a broom through the kitchen but fail to pick up the sweepings, they’ll put the rubbish wheels out but not the recycling, wipe the table in cleaning swirls that only affect 75 per cent of its surface area.
Stand-Off Specialist: This cohort add rubbish to a full bin and dishes to a pile knowing someone else in the house will buckle and deal with the problem.
The Performer: Needs others to know they are cleaning. They will throw knives and forks loudly into draws and vacuum wherever others happen to be regardless of the area’s cleanliness status. They operate at their greatest volume just after a small fight.
The Goldfish: Forgets what job they are doing. They’ll get the washing halfway to the laundry, then see a spot on the bathroom mirror, then remember about the vacuuming that didn’t get finished, then dust the top of a weird shelve that no one can see. The day ends with washing outside the bathroom door, a wet rag in the sink and the vacuum cleaner abandon in the hall.
The Houdini: A person who suddenly has an errand to run whenever the cleaning starts.
The Greatest Show On Earth: This cleaning type will do the dishes, bring in the washing and cook, but only when your mum is visiting. Once the guest leaves, they return to the normal mode of doing absolutely nothing.
The White Glove: Does no actual cleaning, focusing instead on telling other people what they are doing is wrong. This person is never happy with anyone else’s cleaning but hardly does any themselves.
And finally…
The Vulcan: Runs logical unemotional household systems. An honourable person who performs fuss-free micro-cleaning tasks throughout the week, picks things up as they go, cleans pots while cooking, puts plates in the dishwasher immediately after use and wipes up messes as they occur. The Vulcan is efficient, calm and doesn’t take cleaning personally.
These categories aren’t mutually exclusive. The Chicken Licken is likely also a Performer, the Houdini an Emu, and The Goldfish a Super Soaker. There is currently no data on the amount of sex each group gets. Maybe Emily Harris, and Sari van Anders could look into it. If they have time to research “man-baby” sex, surely they can do the same for The Chicken Lickens.
In case you’re wondering, I’m a Half Jobber and find myself very attractive.
