Married at First Sight. Photo / Channel 9
Cocky ladies who think they know about penises and frantic grooms who throw tantrums as loud as their best man's floral blazer - in this second episode of Married At First Sight, we're faced with it all, as we meet the final three couples to be anonymously married.
So strap yourself in, because we're gonna whiz through this like a Catholic priest who's been tricked into officiating an illegitimate wedding.
First up, let's meet Jess, a 31-year-old banking officer. We immediately learn a lot about her.
"If the guy's being an idiot you need to say, 'You know what? Shut up, you're an idiot'," we see her advising a friend.
Despite having to resort to a reality dating show to find love, Jess doles out relationship advice with an odd amount of confidence.
Looking through her living room window, we watch her tell her friends some sassy dating anecdotes. Jess is one of those girls that has one mediocre sexual experience and all of a sudden she thinks she's Amy Schumer.
The girl talk continues during her hen's night when one of her friends asks if she'll sleep with the guy on the first night. Her words said no, but her cocky swig of sav blanc said otherwise.
Jess then clarifies her thoughts: "No, I'm not gonna have sex on my wedding night! Unless he's f***ing drop dead and hung like a donkey!"
Then, in front of a bar full of people in the early afternoon on a weekday, she drunkenly does impressions of both short and big penises.
"So people that aren't hung they walk like this ..." she says, walking the way 99 per cent of everyone you know walks.
"And then people that are hung, it gives them a bit of ..." she says while walking like she's been struck in both kneecaps with a broom handle.
Not to draw conclusions, but I get the feeling Jess has never seen either kind of penis.
Anyway, she matched with 28-year-old account manager Dave. He used to be overweight, but now he's not because he spends his days doing lunges across really big golf courses.
When Dave lost all that weight I assume he also lost his personality, because there's really nothing else interesting to say about him.
Next up we meet Craig, a 41-year-old hairdresser.
He says he's tried to find love everywhere - including the gym.
TOP TIP: If you want to meet people at the gym, it works best if there are actually other people at the gym.
He's paired with 41-year-old marketing agency director Andy.
The only thing Andy really points out about himself is that he has a neat underwear drawer.
In case you didn't know, your success in life is determined by how neatly your Calvin Klein's are folded. It's why Richard Branson's a billionaire.
Bella, a radio announcer from the Gold Coast, makes up one half of our final couple.
"My favourite show is Sex & The City," she tells us.
From that one sentence, we pretty much know everything there is to know about Bella.
"Five years ago it was more about having fun with guys - and now, I'm getting serious about it," she continues, which I'm pretty sure was a line partly stolen from a Carrie Bradshaw inner-monologue. "Well, if I haven't met anyone by the time I'm 36 I would start freaking out. Only because in Sex & The City that's when Carrie met someone."
Carrie Bradshaw was a needy, self-absorbed, financially challenged kidult who once threw a tantrum when her recently-divorced friend wouldn't buy her an apartment. Even so, I can tell Carrie was more together than Bella.
The experts decide to match her with Michael. He's a 32-year-old fashion accessories designer and his pastimes apparently include photographing bikini models while they dry hump giant inflatable flamingoes in suburban swimming pools.
Bella and Michael are the first couple to get married and it's really quite uneventful.
The most interesting part of the ceremony is the celebrant's haircut.
Bella delivers her vows, which I'm pretty sure she stole from a love note she found on the floor of a year nine classroom.
"I look forward to becoming your bestie - and lover. And chasing our dreams together," she begins. "I promise to make you laugh when you're sad and send you heaps of heart emojis."
To describe Bella's wedding, it's a toss up between the eyeroll emoji and the one with the SARS mask.
On her way to her own fake wedding to Dave, Jess is super calm.
"Sh** f*** me dead!" she screams as her car goes over a slight bump.
Believe it or not, she survives the speed bump and makes it down the aisle. And boring Dave suddenly gets some attitude.
"If I'm being 100% honest ... I don't want to come across as some prick," he says in a voiceover. "But I had expected probably something a little bit different."
"Is she the girl for me? I don't know. I don't know," he adds.
So. Does Dave go through with it?
He makes a grossed out face.
And then commits.
But there's even more drama happening over at Craig and Andy's wedding.
For the boys' big day, Channel Nine put their middle fingers up at the Australian Government and moved the wedding to beautiful New Zealand.
And on his way to the ceremony, Craig throws a tantrum as loud as his best man's floral blazer all because he can't find his vows.
"Can you get the camera away?!" he yells at the crew. "I'm about to get married ... And, like, all you want is the reaction. Seriously. If you wanna see me explode you're gonna see. And you don't want it to happen trust me. Seriously."
Yeah, come on guys, what is this, a reality show?
When Craig locks himself in his bedroom, his friend in the fun blazer tries to calm him down, but Craig's not budging.
"Turn the camera off or I'm gonna walk."
The crew clearly misunderstand what Craig said. Instead of "turn the camera off," the camera man thought Craig said, "Pretend to turn the camera off and place it on the floor."
So that's what he did.
Once the speech is located, they jet over to the ceremony.
But when they arrive, Craig's best man can't find the ring and they have to borrow one from a random person with fat fingers.
Craig's perturbed. Meanwhile, Andy's anxiety vein is poppin.
But what happens next? Does Craig lose anything else before he walks down the aisle?
Do producers have to shoo tourists away from Andy's massive headvein and tell them to stop climbing it?
We have to wait until tomorrow. Boo, I know.
Married At First SIght Australia airs on TV3, Thursdays at 8.30pm or on 3NOW.
Dolly Parton will receive the Jean Hersholt Humanitarian Award for her charity work.