You seem agitated, hon.
A sexually rejected MAFS bride gets so jealous of her rival’s sex admission that she stoops to a new low on the show. James Weir recaps.
A Married At First Sight Australia wife whose husband rates her a three out of 10 for sexual attraction becomes so jealous of a rival couple’s bedroom antics that she lashes out the only way she knows how – by mocking their budget honeymoon in Townsville.
Welcome to the first drunken dinner party of the season, where sexually rejected brides come to take out their frustrations on anyone who dares to happily bonk at a regional Mercure hotel.
Petty insults about being a frigid Grinch ensue.
All the couples are back from their respective honeymoons and arrive at the MAFS warehouse to get smashed and talk trash. Interestingly, the producers have somehow tricked luxury car brand Audi to come on board as the new sponsor – donating a fleet of SUVs to ferry the freaks. It’s a stark juxtaposition – as if Ferraris were suddenly used to transport criminals between jail and the courthouse.
Anyway, after being sexually rejected in Fiji by husband Danny, Bec is excited to mingle with the others and get her mind off her bedroom woes.
“We’re bonking!” screams Alissa about her own marriage to David.
Alissa, please don’t rub Bec’s face in your sex.
After all the other wives gush about how perfect their marriages are, they turn to Bec, who’s suspiciously quiet. She has no other choice but to lie.
“All I wanted was someone tall and handsome so … it’s been great! … So … yeah?” she says.
Just like Allison Langdon on A Current Affair, Alissa asks the hard question: “HAVE YOU BONKED?!”
Bec chooses her words carefully.
“We … had sex on the honeymoon,” she nods. “Since then, we haven’t slept together …”
As the other wives share side glances, she races to reframe the situation, telling the ladies that she has decided with Danny to INTENTIONALLY not have sex – because THAT’S how much they like each other.
“We had a conversation and decided we’re really attracted to each other, but maybe we should wait to get to know each other more,” she says, with all the confidence of Mel Robbins about whatever wack job new theory she has invented.
It’s around now that a producer pulls Danny away and asks him to rate his sexual attraction to Bec on a scale of one to 10.
Danny grimaces: “Um … three?”
Hmm. Interesting. And on a scale of one to 10, how do you rate your sexual attraction to the sexy imaginary pedestrian who haunted your Fijian honeymoon?
Meanwhile, Mel is still pretending her sweet husband Luke doesn’t exist. She has spent the past week ignoring all his attempts to get closer, leaving him with no other choice but to crowbar in random remarks in a desperate attempt to forge a connection.
“Your teeth are really straight,” he observes in the back of the sponsorship Audi.
No response.
“ … Is your full name Melissa?” he asks.
Yes, the questions suck. But what else can he do? Mel browbeats him and rolls her eyes and huffs and disparages him. He wants to spend time with her, but she treats him like a dog.
We all know MAFS has a man problem – many toxic, chauvinistic gaslighters have lumbered down the dank halls of Trash Tower over the past 12 years. But it also has a woman problem: gals who have been raised to think that they themselves are the only person who matters in a relationship.
When we first met Mel last week, she was screaming about wanting her life to be a Meg Ryan rom-com.
“I’M THE MAIN CHARACTER!’ she wailed.
It’s a monologue she whips out again tonight when she arrives at the cocktail party – crapping away to all the other wives with wide, teary eyes like she’s a victim.
“I really wanted to live a life like a rom-com movie,” she sighs. “Like, I watched The Notebook before I went on this show. I was thinking I’m going to be walking into my very own rom-com movie and I’m going to be the main character. I wanna be a princess!”
Babe, in the cast credits of this horror film you’re listed as “Poorly Behaved Hysterical Woman No 3”.
Suddenly, the door to the warehouse swings open. Gia and Scott burst in.
Bec scrunches her face in disgust.
“Gia and Scott definitely had that wannabe Barbie and Ken vibe,” she groans.
But of course, this trash talk only occurs behind Gia’s back. In the room, Bec tells her arch nemesis that she looks like Shakira.
Her hips don’t lie – but Bec sure does.
Gia rolls her eyes and gives us her assessment. “It was so fake.”
But she knows how to play the game. She returns serve and hits Bec with her own fake compliment: “I like you in green!”
But the truth?
“I don’t think she looked good in green. A bit Grinchy for me,” she quietly remarks.
Inside the warehouse, there are no sexy imaginary pedestrians. So Danny’s eyes have to stare at something – or someone – else.
“Bec’s man was definitely looking at me,” Gia informs us.
The freaks are ushered to the dining room for their daily feed and the experts try gaslighting us about how wholesome this experience is.
“It’s a great vibe! They’re all getting along so well!” John Aiken lies.
Oh John. Nice try. Things are about to turn putrid in five, four, three, two …
“Let’s kick s*** off!” Gia declares.
She turns to the dorky couple, Steve and Rachel, and asks one question: “Have you had sex yet?”
We hear Steve gulp like a nervous cartoon character.
“No. Nah. Ah … we had some hiccups on the honeymoon …” he stammers.
“What hiccups?” Gia interrogates.
HE HAD DIARRHOEA, GIA. Diarrhoea on their honeymoon inside a tiny open-plan cabin where the only thing separating the toilet from the bed was a threadbare curtain. That’s right – NO DOOR. So, Gia, that’s why they haven’t had sex.
Gia brags about how her sex life with Scott is red hot.
“We had such a good honeymoon! It was perfect!” she beams.
Bec glares across the table, getting Grinchier.
“Well, we went to Fiji for a week – it was SO GOOD. Where did you guys go?” she prods her enemy, knowing full well what the underwhelming answer is.
“ … Townsville,” Gia mutters.
Bec and Danny erupt in laughter at the mention of the north Queensland city.
Gia furrows her brow.
“Why is that funny? What’s your f*****’ problem?” she snarls over the cackles.
Oh, Gia, relax. We’re sure the Mercure Townsville was a luxurious experience.
“Bec is … yuck,” Gia fumes to us. “Like, it was just rude. She’s rude. Like, Townsville was lovely! And it seems like we got on better than your man – who’s looking me up and down, so chill.”
The residents will throw a parade down at The Strand for Gia next time she returns.
She then shoots a question at Bec that she knows will cut deep: “Have you guys had sex?”
After trying to avoid an answer, Bec finally reveals that they have indeed had sex but that they’re now abstaining because that’s how much they want their marriage to work.
Mel interrupts with a question we’ve all been grappling with.
“Wait, is chicken … a meat?” she scrunches her face, while nudging a congealed chunk of flesh around her plate with a fork.
Everyone ignores Mel, returning their focus to the sex war.
“We’ve done it, like, 12 times,” Gia bellows.
It torments Bec.
“OKAY, GOOD ON YOU!” she mockingly applauds before running off to vent to us. “I can’t stand Gia. Fake tits and her fake ass and her fake face.”
Oh doll. In the MAFS universe, that’s considered a compliment.
As Gia cools off in her own corner of the warehouse, she doubles down on the claims that Bec’s husband Danny is perving on her.
“He was looking me up and down a few times,” she smirks. “Maybe he’s not happy with Mrs Grinchy.”
All this drama could spiral into its own spin-off titled How The Grinch Stole X-mafs.
Married At First Sight Australia screens Sundays to Wednesdays on Three and Three Now