OPINION:
One Married At First Sight wife continues her descent into complete nuttiness on Monday night when she informs her husband that, even though they live seven minutes down the road from each other, she’ll only be available to see him on the last Wednesday of every other month.
It’s the relationship version of working at the mines – one day on, seven weeks off. There can even be a clause that states if there’s an emergency and she has to, say, visit him in hospital on a random Monday, then she can take that time in lieu.
And what if he eventually asks her to get married in the outside world? She’ll probably try snake out of it by sending invites that list the date as the 32nd of Octember at 3.67pm.
James Weir recaps: Read all the recaps and other MAFS stories here.
As everyone packs their junk into suitcases and prepares to jet off for the homestays, we check in with Bronte and Harrison who last night chose to remain in the experiment for the sole purpose of wasting our time.
“We own our s***!” Bronte insists. “And everyone’s like, ‘Ermagherd, why are you guys together!’ And, I’m like, ‘Because no relationship is perfect!’”
Well, well, well. Look at you, gaslighting us. Someone has learnt from the master.
If Harrison and Bronte do actually stay together in the outside world, no one will be safe. They’ll be a gaslighting power couple. Woolworths self-serve checkout attendants? Gaslighted. Their kids’ teachers? Gaslighted. With Harrison and Bronte’s powers combined, they’re probably even capable of gaslighting Siri the voice assistant.
For Cam and Lyndall, their marriage is rotting with even bigger problems.
“You don’t have thongs?” Cam furrows his brow as Lyndall packs outfits for the week-long stay at his joint in the NT.
She shrugs. “No.”
Cam looks like he’s in even more pain than when he was nationally shamed for not hugging his wife. “You don’t … you don’t own a pair of thongs? At all?”
“NO,” Lyndall states.
Someone call Dr John Aiken and book an emergency therapy session.
The great thing about the homestays is they provide an intimate glimpse into the private worlds of our contestants which can, in turn, accelerate their relationships to an even more beautiful phase. Oh, and we get to judge everyone’s crappy decor.
Exhibit A!
Cam shows his wife the guestroom, which is really just a cupboard for fishing rods, and then the housemates start waxing lyrical about the NT and telling Lyndall she won’t wanna leave.
We cut to Lynds who, in this desert heat, is in desperate need of some big city comfort. Or, at the very least, some John Frieda Frizz Ease.
Meanwhile, Alyssa is still making everything about her. At last night’s commitment ceremony, when Duncan revealed to the experts that he cried because his wife completely froze him out after an argument, she spun it around and accused him of keeping secrets. We know two things about Alyssa: She’s the only person allowed to cry. And she’s determined to convince everyone that Duncan is jealous of her baby.
The single mum heads off to her husband’s home on Sydney’s northern beaches, which is actually a seven-minute drive from her own place. Well, this might be the most convenient match the experts have ever made! In the outside world, such proximity will make it so easy to maintain the relationship.
“I’m available every other weekend and every Wednesday,” Alyssa informs her husband of when she’ll be available to see him when they leave the experiment.
It’s understandable. We’ve all seen the Zoot review ads. Busy mums are nothing if not busy.
Up in the NT, Lyndall finds herself in a living hell. Cam drags her to sink tinnies at the barramundi farm of some old guy called Andy and everyone peer-pressures her to shove fish food in her mouth before dunking her face into the dam. A barra promptly attacks her.
“If no one can find me on a Sunday … or Monday or Tuesday – I’m at Andy’s place,” Cam nods. “We get on the beers and feed the fish.”
While we all start praying to never find ourselves at Andy’s, a weird argument breaks out. Lyndall and Cam are in the shed, whisper-yelling. We loiter outside one of the windows in the corrugated iron wall and eavesdrop.
“Why the f*** are we together if you don’t even want to kiss me, like … ever?” Lyndall fumes. “It just doesn’t make me feel like you really wanna be with me!”
“(All this) Over a kiss? It’s a f***ing kiss!” Cam hits back.
Apparently, in the dam, Lyndall asked Cam for a kiss and his response was basically, “Yeah, nah.”
We weren’t there, but we would like to speculate that maybe this rejection came because, after dunking her head into the dam to feed the barra, she wound up with fish breath. Still, Cam’s responsible for that.
“It’s hard for me to go out there and act like everything’s all fine when I feel like, Why the f*** am I in Darwin?” Lyndall says. “I came all this way and you don’t even want to kiss me!”
Cam scrunches his face. “It was just ONE KISS!”
But it’s not just one kiss. It’s many kisses. And also hugs. And his Alyssa-style availability.
“I’m in Darwin, it’s stinking hot, my hands smell like fish, I’ve got kissed by a barra!” Lyndall holds back tears.
Cam sighs. He doesn’t want her to be upset, so he tries to offer some comfort … by half-hugging her from a distance.
Back in Sydney, Duncan absolutely needs to have a proper conversation with Alyssa about what the future of their relationship looks like in the outside world. So producers organise to trap them at sea on a boat where they promptly inflame the discussion.
“So it’s, like, Wednesday, Thursday every week … and then every other weekend: Saturday, Sunday,” busy mum Alyssa reiterates her very busy schedule to her husband.
Duncan tries hard to step carefully but there’s no easy way around saying what he needs to say.
“Do you feel like you already knew that information 10 weeks ago and you didn’t want to share it?” his voice goes high as he scrunches his face.
Her answer: Yeah, basically.
“Why didn’t you bring this up earlier on?” he asks.
He’s slapped down with a vintage Alyssa reply. “Why didn’t YOU bring it up?”
Um, because he didn’t want you to again accuse him of being in a feud with your baby?
As tempers flare, the countdown’s now on for Alyssa to make herself the victim in this situation. In five, four, three, two …
“I was prepared to talk about our future!” she wails while marching down to the hull of the boat to sulk.
“This is probably the healthiest relationship I’ve ever been in! I was ready to be like, ‘Duncan, I’m falling for you! And I can’t wait to see a life with you!’”
Ah yeah. Just you, him and the baby he’s jealous of – living that picture-perfect life on the last Wednesday of every other month.
MAFS Australia is available to stream first on ThreeNow or on Three Sunday 7pm and Mon to Weds 7.30pm.
The Kiwi actor has been part of the Star Wars universe for more than 20 years.