Movies, celebrities and an Instagrammable location: These are all the ingredients we need to supercharge Byron Bay and transform it into the new Hollywood. Tinsel town is on the move and it's relocating from Los Angeles to our very own sleepy shire.
It has been a celeb hot spot for a little while but now is the time to really ride the wave and turn Byron Bay into Boom Town. The Hemsworths laid the groundwork and others have been quick to follow. Matt Damon's a regular. Zac Efron is hiding out there now. And like Hollywood, it's not just A-listers. There's a Stefanovic here, a former contestant from The Block there.
The first order of business is knocking down that dusty old lighthouse on the cape and replacing it with the white Hollywood sign. We're making blockbusters, not Round The Twist. The large capital letters dangling on the hillside of Australia's most easterly point will be an instant improvement and really send a strong message to the rest of the world.
Byron Bay already shares a lot of qualities with Hollywood – stylishly health conscious with OTT luxury that's often juxtaposed against photogenic earthiness.
It really nails the holistic glamour that A-listers love. We'll keep the juiceries and the organic cafes and the yoga studios. But we'll need to run a broom through the rest of the joint. Get rid of those weird crystal stalls. And replace Tree Of Life and Happy High Herbs with a Louis Vuitton and several Barry's Boot camps.
We'll pave over that paddock that's used for Splendour In The Grass and build a David Jones or a Land Rover dealership.
Of course, we'll need to do something about all those anti-vaxxers. If closing down their crystal stalls doesn't drive them out of town, we'll just have to lean into it and apply a Hollywood spin by creating a reality TV show: The Real Anti-Vaxxers of Byron Bay. Most of the episodes will probably take place at a witch doctor's clinic while they eat bark to get rid of a sinus infection.
With all the celebrities living there, I'll finally be able to expand my Star Tours business. Until now, I've just been taking tourists' money over the internet and sending busloads of them to Chris Hemsworth's house several times a day.
There's no business like show business.
