The sex-obsessed mum on MAFS was destroyed by a lie after her bedroom antics were questioned on camera.
OPINION:
Married At First Sight’s horny mum is left humiliated on Monday night when her new husband lies to Australia about their bedroom antics and leaves her looking ridiculous for having pre-emptively purchased Mr & Mrs Sheet Freak monogrammed bath towels.
Turns out, you can’t trust anyone – even when you’ve been in a loving and committed marriage for 22 … hours. Meanwhile, a Very Important Business Woman takes time out of her busy schedule to get married only to find the man she’s paired with doesn’t meet the KPIs. Guess she didn’t ask the experts for the Business Women’s Special.
It’s just another night on OnlyFreaks.
We met single mum Melissa last week at the bachelorette party where she made an impact with her descriptive conversation starters relating to how insatiably horny she is. When we catch up with her again tonight, nothing has changed. We see her in action at the hair salon she works at – making small talk with an elderly customer on Pensioner Thursday.
“I’ve been on this dating app and it’s been going really good,” she tells the random grandma. “We exchanged numbers and then, the first thing I get was … a D*** PIC.”
You okay, nan?
Then we see Melissa catching up with her gal pals, gabbing about men over cocktails. It’s just like Sex and the City except all of them are Samantha.
“My dreamboat of a guy is Thor,” Melissa tells us, while biting her bottom lip. “BIG. Thor best be there with his BIG HAMMER.”
Penis. She’s talking about penis. Y’know … just in case you didn’t get the subtle innuendo.
We all know how this show works. Our girl Melissa wants Thor? Okay. Please enjoy a lifetime with this pale nerd wearing Toy Story pyjamas:
“Everyone who knows me knows I’m into Disney,” Josh tells us, before revealing his two kids are named after Disney characters.
Dammit! It’s always been MY plan to name my kids after Disney characters. Which ones? Fine, I’ll tell you – but only if you promise not to steal. Shenzi, Banzai, and Ed – the three hyenas in The Lion King.
Meanwhile, there’s another couple getting married this episode – the final match of the series. Melinda is a businesswoman who’s constantly on the go. We watch footage of her rolling around town in her Porsche while spouting cliche corporate jargon.
“I need those spreadsheets, stat! Failure is not an option – I need an actionable plan based on real-time data! Put it in a PowerPoint presentation and we’ll circle back to it on Monday during our weekly WIP!”
Her expectations are as high as her designer stilettos, which she can afford to buy herself because she’s a high-powered businesswoman.
“The dream is … all of it,” she says. “EVERYTHING. Why can’t I have EVERYTHING I want?”
She’s paired with Layton, a CEO of a company that makes Panadol for dogs … or something. The experts match them mainly because they have his-and-hers Porsches.
“I think we have a potential power couple on our hands,” expert Mel Schilling beams.
Needless to say, it becomes a power nightmare.
Across town, the horny mum’s wedding to Mickey Mouse is under way. Producers are on a quest to build up Melissa’s expectations only to have them come crashing down.
“I like a manly man. Very masculine. Hair on his chest. A biiiig burly man to throw me around,” she gushes.
While she says all this, producers keep doing cruel cutaway shots to Josh … who we assume is hairless, like a sphynx cat.
But their plan to disappoint Melissa doesn’t work. When she walks down the aisle, she doesn’t see the Disney character waiting for her. In her eyes, he belongs to the Marvel universe.
“He is my Thor and Gladiator,” she beams to us.
We’d like to congratulate Melissa and then refer her to an optometrist.
“He looks like the boy next door, but … I think he could be a freak in the sheets too,” she continues to muse. “Oh I hope Josh has a BIG HAMMER.”
Why on Earth didn’t producers ensure Melissa’s teenage son was in attendance so they could do grossed-out cutaway shots to him at moments like this?
Over on Sydney Harbour, our two CEOs are about to evaluate the profit and loss of this union. Melinda has done everything to ensure a successful merger.
“I had Botox in my underarms,” she informs us.
But even that doesn’t guarantee success. She walks down the aisle and the market crashes.
“First impressions?” she raises her eyebrows. “He may be punching just a little … I would swipe left.”
Turns out Melinda is a shark in the boardroom and a mean little kitty cat at the altar.
She uses her vows to show off her wide knowledge of useless business jargon.
“I’m always working on growing and uplevelling,” she squints at her groom.
Then, just to troll, the celebrant gleefully instructs the couple to kiss.
The sun setting over Sydney Harbour glints off Layton’s tongue as he slides it into Melinda’s mouth. She cringes through the pash with wide eyes.
“The kiss was definitely not sexy. It was, like, a bit sloppy,” she tells us.
Mmmhmmm. Mmhhhhmm. Maybe that’s because you squished your face up in disgust for the duration of it?
“I run and operate multiple businesses and I do have high expectations,” she concludes. “From what I’ve seen so far, this is not worth my time.”
Well then. If it’s not worth Melinda’s time, it’s definitely not worth ours. We’ll circle back to her during the week for a full analysis of how Layton failed to meet his KPI targets. But right now, we have to check in on our horny mum, who has gathered her team of judgy gal pals to give it to her straight.
“I’m worried he’s a bit boring,” one whispers.
" … Like a wet wipe,” cringes another.
Hey! Josh isn’t boring! Have you seen his Toy Story pyjamas?
Melissa gives an impassioned speech that’s a hodgepodge of everything Carrie Bradshaw has ever said about being single and looking for love. Does it change the opinion of her friends?
“He’s so f***ing boring,” one of them throws her napkin on the table.
Melissa reacts the same way Carrie did when Miranda told her she was an idiot for moving to Paris with that Russian ballet dancer.
“They’re single, so maybe they’re gonna miss their single girlfriend,” she snaps to us. “I have done that role for so many years – and … I wanna tap out.”
We totally understand. Melissa wants to tap out and go back to the hotel room so she can … tap dat. We cut to her and Josh lying on the bed. Melissa is trying to entice her new husband with a selection of lingerie while he lays back in his Toy Story pyjamas.
“Do you have a favourite character from Toy Story?” he asks.
“Woody,” she winks.
He doesn’t catch the innuendo. It’s not that Melissa doesn’t love toys. She does. Just … not cartoon toys with talking faces.
When we first met Melissa at the bachelorette party, she declared she was going to sleep with her husband on the wedding day. Tonight, she drops subtle but firm hints.
“I just wanna snow plough you right now,” she growls as the footage fades to black.
The next morning, producers take Melissa and Josh away for separate interviews and ask if they … snow ploughed. The answers are as unique as snowflakes.
“Was the marriage consummated?” a producer asks Josh.
He lets out an awkward cough and straightens his robe. “No. Last night we just had a really lovely kiss and cuddle and went to bed. No intimacy progressed.”
Huh … interesting, interesting. Because, according to your wife, you both moved each other’s body parts around so much you basically became Mr and Mrs Potato Head.
“Was sex last night with Josh good? YES!” Melissa grins and runs a hand through her mussed bed-hair. “Last night went off with a bang. I was looking for a big burly man to throw me around on the first night and, let me tell you, Josh has it covered. Thor DOES have a big hammer. And Thor does not disappoint. I’m on the Josh train now – woo-woo!”
Okay. If we lie on the tracks can you make sure to run that train right over us?
The Josh train sets off for the honeymoon destination of Fiji, and Melissa is all aboard. When they arrive, producers continue to investigate the alleged night of passion.
“Last night was amazing,” Melissa gushes. “Having sex on the first night was great. And I want more.”
We watch as Melissa offers to lather sunscreen on her husband’s arms and chest. He promptly rejects her.
“Hopefully he’s noticing my advances,” she smiles.
He is and they’re absolutely not welcome.
She decides to give Josh a lap dance in the pool because Thor’s hammer isn’t gonna … hammer itself?
Then, in the his-and-hers adjoining showers, Melissa strips off. Josh frantically runs away at the speed of Buzz Lightyear.
It’s around now that Melissa realises something is a little off. She asks Josh if everything is okay.
“Now’s when I’d usually have my naps,” he mumbles awkwardly.
She grins. “Well, we should have a nap … TOGETHER.”
He laughs nervously and looks away.
It’s a brutal rejection. She feels hurt and embarrassed that he won’t get naked with her in front of the TV crew. Later, the cameras catch Melissa confronting her husband behind some palm trees.
“They asked you if you’ve had sex with me, right?” she probes him.
“They have … a few times. And I just said … no,” he stumbles.
“You’re lying!” she strains her voice.
He starts making up weak excuses and saying ridiculous things like, “I have integrity,” and, “Privacy is important,” before she cuts him off.
“You can say that you’ve f***ed me and we had sex!” she declares.
Josh’s sex lie has made Melissa feel like an idiot. Instead of looking like the sheet freak she is, Josh has just made her look like a regular freak.
Thor’s taken his really big hammer and plunged it right through her heart.
MAFS Australia is available to stream first on ThreeNow or on Three Sunday 7pm and Mon to Weds 7.30pm.
The Kiwi actor has been part of the Star Wars universe for more than 20 years.