A dud night in bed has ended with a disappointed MAFS wife revealing the dirty details - and the bruised husband getting payback.
A dud night in bed has ended with a disappointed MAFS wife revealing the dirty details - and the bruised husband getting payback.
OPINION:
What happened to respect and privacy? Sex is an intimate act between two people and no one else. Unless you’re aMarried At First Sightcontestant - then everything you do in the bedroom is up for public access. Forget OnlyFans. This show is OnlyFreaks.
Still, whenit comes to sex, everyone has the occasional night where they’re not performing their best. Even Michael Jordan lost his fair share of matches. The husband at the centre of the subpar sex scandal shouldn’t worry. After all, he’ll be able to get some pointers from The Horny Mum.
We’re forced to attend two more weddings tonight. Ugh. We don’t even wanna attend the weddings of people we actually like. But we agree to show up on the condition that we can make fun of at least one person’s hair.
A blonde chick called Caitlin is paired with a PT, who has a haircut that every member of a boy band in the early 2000s would’ve killed for. Before the sun sets on Caitlin’s birthday, she will prick her finger on the spikes of his overly gelled hair and fall asleep for 100 years.
His hair can also be used to scrub soap scum and baked-on grease.
OK, that’s enough with the new couples. We can’t be bothered attending the second wedding. Someone on this show is having bad sex and we need to get to the bottom of it.
“Is this your first rosé?” Bronte asks Harrison as she glugs the wine into a glass.
“I think so,” Harrison scrunches up his nose at the pink beverage in front of him.
Relax, Harrison. It’s just wine. It won’t turn you into a girl.
Things have really taken a positive turn for this pair. Their marriage started off rocky but now they’re practically a dream couple. It’s almost as if those screenshots exposing Harrison’s alleged secret girlfriend never even happened.
Bronte raises her glass and initiates a toast. “To many firsts”. They gaze into each other’s eyes. Harrison starts thinking of all the other firsts they can tick off.
“I cannot tell you how f***in’ sexy you look today,” he mutters to her. “It’s taking everything not to jump over this f***in’ chair right now.”
Harrison, for the sake of us viewers as well as the other guests at the Oaks resort where you’re currently lodging, we politely ask that you don’t scale the patio furniture to hump people.
Oaks is a family-friendly resort. If you wanna get risqué, go find a Rydges.
The chemistry continues to build and Bronte is loving it.
“Soaking it up with my husband on our honeymoon has been absolute bliss!” she gushes.
Us veteran viewers of this esteemed program know what’s about to happen next. We can sense the drama the same way surf lifesavers can feel a rip in the ocean. Bronte reckons she has found bliss? Cute. Prepare for carnage in five, four, three, two …
The footage cuts to the next morning. We bust into the bedroom to find Harrison and Bronte wide awake, laying in silence. They both look traumatised.
You kids have fun?
“Last night, we slept together,” Harrison sighs to us. “And then … the chemistry has just changed.”
He won’t go into any more details. While we’d like to know the specifics, we agree to respect his privacy and leave it at that. Then we run out to the patio and get better answers from Bronte.
“For me, sex isn’t just about physical - I need to be mentally stimulated,” she rants. “And he kinda just did shut that down quick. He was like, ‘I just need physical’.”
We scrunch up our noses and nod. So you’re saying it was … jack-hammer-y?
That’s a yes.
She tries to have a discussion with Harrison about the dud night of passion but he refuses to talk about it. That’s OK. He’s probably feeling vulnerable and we all need to respect that. So we ask him to go see if the coffee kiosk is open and, once he leaves, we promptly get back to grilling Bronte.
“It was so rushed,” she recalls. “There was no emotions in there. Basically, I know his favourite sex position before I know his favourite colour.”
We’re left speculating what Harrison’s favourite sex position is as we jet off to the Whitsundays to see if Jesse has told Claire to shut up again. When we arrive on the island, the sun has set and we find the couple slowly trying to rebuild their marriage following the shush heard around Australia.
The experts decide to ruin this progress by bringing out The Sledge Box. If you’re new to the MAFS universe, here’s a simple explanation: It’s a box filled with inflammatory questions that are written for the sole purpose of causing a fight and provoking each partner to sledge the other with insults.
Claire plucks a card out of the box and reads the first question.
“What is my most annoying trait?” she asks.
The experts aren’t even trying to pretend anymore. They’re just blatantly trolling. We all know Claire’s worst trait is she never shushes.
“Well I think you know the most annoying,” Jesse sighs. “It’s the … random comments on everything.”
The argument that follows is a perfect example for how The Sledge Box game is played. Claire gets defensive and asks for an example of her allegedly random comments. Jesse provides several. And then it all snowballs into an onslaught of sledging. He starts doing an impression of his new wife - complete with a silly voice.
“Oh my god! Look at that boat! Oh my god! Look at the sand! Oh my god! Look at the sun! Oh my god! Look at the water! AmAzInG!” he mocks.
If Claire was more familiar with The Sledge Box, she would’ve sledged back and started doing her own impression of Jesse - running around the island, shushing random objects. Sssshhhhssshhhh! Ssshhhhhssssshhh! SsSssShHhHhHHhhhhSssSsSsHhHhHhH!
But the emotions take over.
“Yeah, you’re not my person,” she says as she gets up and walks away from the table, her Havaianas click-clacking across the deck. “I’m f***in’ done here.”
Then we watch as she furiously wheels her suitcase around the resort in the dark of night, slowly realising she can’t escape because, well, it’s an island.
Claire, we know you’re upset, but it’s midnight and it’s a small island, so … can you please shush?
Meanwhile, Bronte and Harrison are dining at an empty restaurant in complete silence.
Jeez, this conversation is about as lively as your bedroom last night.
The experts have no choice but to send in The Sledge Box.
“Do I feel sexual chemistry with ya?” Harrison reads the first question.
He sighs, then ventures a response. “Look, not at the moment. We had a lot of chemistry at the start but it’s not there now. I think when we had sex, it lacked a bit of passion. I just need time to find you sexually attractive again.”
Ladies and gentlemen, Bronte’s reaction:
You seem peeved, Bron.
“HUH????” she screams.
Harrison’s sledge infuriates her. How dare he use The Sledge Box to flip the tables like this — getting revenge on his wife for saying he’s a dud root by making it sound like she’s actually the dud root.
“I know for a FACT that he DOES find me sexually attractive,” she fumes to us. “I KNOW that. I’m not an IDIOT.”
Mmmhmmm. Mmhhhmmmm. We hear you, Bron. And as Michelle Obama says: When they go low … we go lower. So, go ahead and reveal Harrison’s favourite sex position on national TV.
MAFS Australia is available to stream first on ThreeNow or on Three Sunday 7pm and Mon to Weds 7.30pm.
