Drunken butt-dials are the number-one cause of all breakups.
A Married At First Sight husband is caught out in a butt-dial drama on Tuesday night when he’s unexpectedly broadcast slagging off his wife behind her back, which comes as no surprise because that’s what this show is all about: asses doing stupid things.
It’s absolutely despicable. If you’ve got a problem with someone, say it to their face… Like Cam’s mum does to Lyndall’s mum when she confronts her over brunch for rousing on her son.
It’s 5am and the sun is rising over Trash Tower. Dan has already made his escape for the day and ducked off to… “the gym”. His wife Sandy will not see him again until the street lights flicker on later that evening.
“It’s the morning. Dan’s gone for a… run. Walk. Gym. I’m not sure,” she shakes her head. “He left at 5.30 this morning. I tried to lean into his back and he - he was like, ‘Ugh!’”
Hmmm. Yeah. Rule of thumb: if your partner squeals “Ugh!” when you touch them, it’s probably not working out.
Across the hall, Lyndall and Cam are preparing to have brunch with their mums. It goes without saying that Trash Tower isn’t for everyone. Especially mothers.
“How are you finding it?” Lyndall politely asks her in-law.
“Depressing,” Cam’s mum Fiona states.
You and us both, Fi.
A few days have passed since the drama where Lyndall’s mum Kelly-Anne shamed Cam on FaceTime for not hugging her daughter. Kelly-Anne’s a super sweet lady who looks like a Nancy Meyers character, and she’s determined to clear the air with her son-in-law.
“I’m really sorry for the video chat,” she tells him.
Um, it’s called FaceTime, Kelly-Anne. But we appreciate your apology.
“I felt really bad,” she adds.
The producers drag her outside for a piece-to-camera interview and try to inflame the drama. She shuts it down like a mum.
“I have apologised to Cam for saying that to him and making him feel that way — and I hope that’s the end of the story,” she states, putting her foot down.
Oh, Kelly-Anne. You’re on MAFS, babe. That is so not the end of the story. Just when you think it’s the end of the story, a whole new story begins. And the more you try to end that story, the more chapters you inadvertently add. Our point is: please, keep trying to end the story. We dare you.
But, hey, there’s a first time for everything. Maybe that will be the end of the stor-
“Ya can’t take words back,” Cam’s mum sneers at Kelly-Anne when she sits back down at the table. “That’s what I’d say. Like, as advice [to you]. Words are really hurtful to people. And, really, once you’ve said ‘em…”
She trails off — but the message is clear. And a little menacing. Kelly-Anne gulps.
Fi drags her son out to the balcony and bitches about everything from big cities to mental health.
“It’s all about feelings, emotions,” she eye-rolls while sipping her beer and ranting about the hug drama. “I see it as insecurity — people who want that constant touching and affection. I think it’s a craving for attention.”
When the mums leave, Lyndall starts doing the washing-up. Cam can’t wait to troll her with what his mum said about her.
“Mum said, and there’s no nice way to say this,” he grins, unable to hide his joy. “[It] could be insecurity.”
A squabble will begin in five, four, three, two…
“You seem to believe everything ya mum says,” Lyndall shoots back.
“Yeah, so do you,” he snips.
Okay. You’ve both said your piece. That’s the end of the stor-
“Yeah, because my mum’s a good person,” Lyndall mutters.
Cam jumps back, stunned, as if his wife just tried to hug him.
“Oh, so my mum’s a horrible person?” he barks. “Good on ya, mate.”
Annnnnd now we’ve got a new story that will keep us entertained as it plays out over the rest of the week. See, Kelly-Anne? It’s never the end of the story.
Meanwhile, Claire is still trying to win back Jesse. She organises a date at a music store, where he spends hours playing his band’s terrible songs on guitar while she silently watches and nods because this is her life now: guilt-listening to her husband’s bad music as punishment for cheating.
By the time we get back to Trash Tower, the sun is setting. We wait for Dan to return from… “the gym”. Sandy is alone on the couch. She has been waiting for her husband all day.
“He’s been gone for hours,” she sighs.
We try hard to make her feel better and start scratching around for potential reasons Dan has disappeared. ‘Maybe the gym was just really busy and he had to wait seven hours for a treadmill to become available?’ we wince to ourselves.
When he finally deigns to return home, he doesn’t apologise or explain. Instead, he shames her again.
“You’re in your PJs early tonight. It’s only 6.30,” he prods. “Why are you in a mood?”
Sandy scrunches her face. “Because I haven’t seen you all day. I don’t know where you’ve been, what you’re up to.”
Sandy, we’ve been through this: he has been at... “the gym”. For seven hours. Stop acting like that’s not normal.
“I’ve been for a run, I’ve been to the gym,” he argues. " …I’ve been to a day spa.”
This admission leaves Sandy looking like she’ll need her own seven-hour day spa visit just to calm down.
“Sandy, I’m not gonna sit on the couch all day and watch TV,” Dan says.
“Stop implying that I just wanna sit on the couch all day!” she hits back.
“I’m not IMPLYING, I’m actually STATING,” he scoffs. “Sandy, if I spent that much time at the gym as you do on this f**king couch, I’d be absolutely shredded and ripped to no end. I’m out running, I’m out hiking, I’m out in the water, in the ocean. I’m in f**king beast mode.”
We’re overcome with second-hand embarrassment. Even more than we were when Dan quoted Carrie Bradshaw. Sandy has to look away to stop herself from cackling in his face.
Hey, Dan — is beast mode activated right now?
It turns out, Dan doesn’t operate exclusively in beast mode at all times. Sometimes he knocks it down a gear into jerk mode — like when he lies about visiting his daughter and secretly goes out to the pub with the boys, where he spends the night slagging off his wife.
“I got a butt-dial from Rupert,” Evelyn informs us.
She says her sweet but dopey husband didn’t realise he’d accidentally phoned her while he was on the boys’ night, and she was basically listening in on conference call without any of them knowing.
“Obviously I realised it was an accidental pocket-dial. Naturally, I’m listening in,” she says. “The type of things that were said were pretty disgusting. If that was me and I was trying to work at a marriage and, behind my back, someone was slagging me off, I would absolutely wanna know about it.”
Welp, Evelyn, there’s only one thing to do: tell Sandy in a dark hallway while wearing a black trench coat like you’re a spy.
“Over the weekend, some of the husbands went out to drink. Rupert butt-dialled me. I could hear the conversations… very clearly,” she tells Sandy. ”And they weren’t saying very nice things about their wives. Particularly Dan. He was insinuating that he was too good for this experiment. And too good for you. I asked Rupert what was going on [and] he told me [Dan] was showing all the boys photos of his ex-girlfriends. Like, boasting about how ‘hot’ his ex-girlfriends were.”
After providing this heartbreaking intel, Evelyn disappears into the dark of night, leaving a distraught Sandy to pick up the pieces.
“I went against my parents,” she sobs in the hallway. “My dad’s biggest concern was that I’d come here and be disrespected. And that’s f**king exactly what happened. I’m just broken.”
Meanwhile, Dan is not climbing mountains or paddling rivers. Instead, he’s on the couch, watching TV. Slob mode activated.
The Hollywood star is 70 but has no plans to retire from acting.