A big MAFS lie has been outed — and the truth involves a secret kiss that ends in a vom. James Weir recaps.
A big MAFS lie has been outed — and the truth involves a secret kiss that ends in a vom. James Weir recaps.
Opinion by James Weir
OPINION:
A Married At First Sight wife cheats on her husband and then vomits at another bride’s wedding on Monday night in tumultuous scenes that somehow still don’t win the prize for most bogan behaviour on this show.
In fact, the whole narrative is really quite beautiful. Jesse’s redemption arc is now complete and tonight we transition smoothly into his wife Claire’s villain arc. It’s the kind of nuanced, harmonious storytelling we can only get from MAFS.
By the end of the episode, Claire wishes she simply followed her husband’s advice to shush. It’s a real full-circle moment.
“I feel so guilty,” Claire sobs to us in her wardrobe. “He doesn’t know the truth. I’m carrying this big secret.”
Even with this minimal context, we know exactly what’s happening. Remember that drama a few weeks ago where Jesse accused Claire of cheating on him with Janelle’s husband Adam when they were all out at the pub? And how Claire staunchly denied it and turned everyone against Jesse by making him sound like a psycho? Well, turns out Jesse was absolutely correct. Claire and Adam pashed.
“It’s been really hard to be dishonest,” she weeps. “I need to get it off my chest.”
Mmmhmmm. Mmhhhmm. You should totally confess your sins. Just … make sure a camera’s with you.
“I feel really awful for hurting Janelle and hurting Jesse,” she wipes her tears.
Claire, after all the judgy facial expressions you’ve thrown around at your fellow MAFS freaks, it’s only right you experience a taste of your own medicine:
We’re not angry, Claire – just disappointed.
Because of the commitment ceremony’s mass exodus, two new couples are admitted into the Trash Tower asylum tonight. Of course, this means we’re forced to sit through two more weddings. Boo! But all the other contestants crash the ceremonies and the bitchy cameramen keep cutting to Claire during the vows whenever anyone says the words, “honesty”, “loyalty” and “faithful”. Yay!
Meanwhile, producers troll Adam by asking him what marriage advice he’d give the new couples.
“If I had one piece of advice to give to the new couples comin’ in, it would be: focus on your relationship and give it everything you’ve got,” he beams.
Um, OK. Adam, literally no one wants your advice. Tell Claire we said hi.
We know all your secrets, you boob.
So, who are the new freaks? Now that the horny mum is gone, they have big shoes to fill.
Everyone, meet Tayla! She’s a 27-year-old nurse from Tasmania and we have no idea why she’s still single.
“It’s Tayla’s way or the highway,” she declares. “I’m not happy if I don’t get my way. I don’t compromise.”
Well, you’re perfect for this show! Welcome home, doll.
What we love most about Tayla is she’s just easygoing and down-to-earth.
“No, no! What’s going on! I just need to get outta the car!” she screams in the back of the limo while burrowing through a mountain of tulle. “What happens if he’s a freak?”
Tayla, please. This franchise is built on freaks. It’s why you’ve been recruited.
UOK, Tay?
We know exactly how this wedding is going to play out and we almost don’t even want to reward producers by talking about it. It’s one of those setups where the guy’s really nice but the girl’s got a bad attitude and she rejects him the moment she lays eyes on him but eventually changes her mind when she sees his golden personality shine through.
“The moment I turned around, my heart leapt out of my chest. She was an absolute vision!” Hugo gushes.
We cut to Adam, who insists things couldn’t be better in his marriage.
“Me and Janelle are in a very good place,” he smiles at us with the annoying confidence of a furniture store salesman.
We start to giggle. He really has no idea that Claire’s about to expose their affair. Prepare to be blime-fibe-eb.
We hope Janelle records a revenge vlog.
Everything’s falling into place. The last piece of the puzzle? Ensuring Jesse is in a romantically gushy mood so that Claire’s admission of unfaithfulness really hits him hard.
“I remember turning around and seeing Claire and just being floored,” Jesse swoons to us when producers ask him to reminisce about his own wedding day.
Yeah, that’s a nice memory Jesse but, remember, she also talks REALLY loud.
Meanwhile, at the other wedding ceremony across town, we meet electrician Rupert and model Evelyn. She has a short fuse and he’s so nervous he can’t even talk properly. Not even the producers know what he’s saying, so they just subtitle him with the phrase “inaudible mumbling”, which, really, should be a permanent subtitle that appears across each scene of every episode.
When is this show *not* just inaudible mumbling?
Things don’t improve at the reception. Evelyn tries to strike up conversation with her new husband and it’s not exactly a crackling exchange.
“If you saw me in a bar, what would be your pick-up line?” she asks.
He stumbles. “I’d just say … ‘You owe me an espresso’.”
She cringes. “WHAT? You go up to me in a bar and say, ‘You owe me an expresso’?”
Well, well, Evelyn. Turns out you’re not so superior after all. Sure, Rupert’s pick-up line sucks. But at least he doesn’t think the word “espresso” is pronounced “expresso”.
OK, let’s ditch this wedding and go watch Claire cock things up with Jesse. At the reception, Jesse continues to be lovely and thoughtful which only supercharges Claire’s guilt. In fact, she looks like she could use a little QueaseEASE.
Ruh-roh.
She urgently excuses herself and runs through the ballroom, pushing past a waiter before escaping through a side door. We hear her sandals slapping along the concrete corridor. The sound of the bathroom door squeaks open … then … SPLAT!
She vomits.
We wait outside. Y’know, to give her privacy. But it’s fine — she’s still wearing her microphone and it really picks up the chundering quite nicely.
‘Claire, doll, just don’t let the mic pack fall into the toilet. ... You OK? All we can hear is inaudible mumbling.’
Moment later, while picking chunks out of her hair, she returns to the ballroom and decides now is the time — she has to rid herself of this guilt and confess to Jesse. Sure, the bride is in the middle of delivering a speech — but who cares? Thunder was made to be stolen. She yanks him out to the footpath and cuts to the chase.
“Adam and I went outside … and … we kissed,” she says of the pub night.
Jesse pauses. At first, we think he’s gonna ask why she smells like vom. Then he lets out a maniacal laugh that echoes across Sydney Harbour.
It’s always nice when the cameramen give the freaks some privacy and just loiter in a bush.
“Ahhh that is classic!” he yells. “I knew it. I just knew something was so suss. Adam, bro, what a dog. I cannot wait to see that c***. What a snake. I thought you were bringing me out here to break up with me … I couldn’t have imagined anything worse than that — and then you said something worse than that.”
Claire stares at her feet. There’s nothing more to say. Finally, after three weeks, she’s giving Jesse what he has been asking for all along: some shush.
MAFS Australia is available to stream first on ThreeNow or on Three Sunday 7pm and Mon to Weds 7.30pm.
