What was supposed to be a steamy night of passion has been derailed — hitting the show’s mum where it hurts. James Weir recaps.
What was supposed to be a steamy night of passion has been derailed — hitting the show’s mum where it hurts. James Weir recaps.
Opinion by James Weir
The blue-balling of Married At First Sight’s horny mum intensifies on Monday night and ends with her husband issuing a sex insult that rocks her world … but not in the way she likes.
The harsh words leave her more stunned than the boys when one of theexperts sits them down to explain the magical world of butts.
Another day, another disastrous sex ambush. All is right in the world at Trash Tower.
After Melissa’s initial sex ambush led to her husband Josh declaring a sex ban, the experts have decided to cause chaos by kicking off Sex Week.
Josh is terrified. And his fear only makes Melissa hornier.
“Sex is back on the table from today,” she claps her hands. “I seriously cannot contain my excitement.”
In an attempt to keep the conversation as far away from sex as possible, Josh has prepared an endless list of boring topics to discuss.
“I went to the supermarket and got English muffins,” he rambles while pottering around the kitchen, avoiding all eye contact with his wife. “Have you ever had an English muffin?”
Ugh. Josh. No! Now Melissa’s gonna start spouting gross innuendos about English muffins.
“This morning, all we talked about is toast,” Melissa huffs to us. “I thought Intimacy Week on this experiment would be soooo different but, like, it’s so awkward. We’re just talking about toast and butter and bread.”
Melissa, girl - it’s 6am on Monday morning. Chill. The week has barely started.
It’s too early in the morning for this, Melissa. Go watch Cheez TV.
Meanwhile, Bronte has just escaped from The Matrix.
Did you have brunch with Neo?
She’s still annoyed about last night’s commitment ceremony.
“You literally texted me and you literally said, ‘I’m not leaving’, and yet you wrote leave!” she vents to her husband.
It’s around now she starts doing furious air quotes.
Careful doing angry air quotes with those nails, hon – you’ll poke your eye out.
Harrison furrows his brow. “When did I write, ‘I’m not leaving’?”
Bronte picks up her phone to find the text message.
“I’m not going anywhere,” she reads aloud. “That’s literally what you said to me!”
OK. It is clear he has come on this show to troll the system and get laughs from his bros back home. This is something we do not stand for. Sure, go ahead and waste Bronte’s time - who cares. But don’t you dare waste our time with your antics.
Speaking of assholes … Alessandra gathers all the grooms to discuss butt play.
“We all have backsides: men and women. That pleasure is the same,” she nods.
The boys shift uncomfortably in their chairs and mutter.
“Never done it,” Cameron blurts.
Unclench, fellas.
Harrison is surprisingly more progressive. “Never? What! Bro …” he scrunches his face at Cameron.
Thanks for the personal insight, Harrison. We’ll be sure to inform Bronte of your preferences.
Alessandra continues to regale the gents with tales of butt joy.
“There’s all sorts of things that you can have done to it,” she helpfully advises. “It doesn’t always have to include penetration. Maybe just a little-
“Nah, nah, nah, nah,” Cameron cuts her off. “That’s where I draw the line.”
Huh. So you don’t wanna do a demonstration for the class with one of the props in Alessandra’s goodie bag?
Have these been rinsed since last year?
For the next 24 hours, things at Melissa and Josh’s apartment are as tense as a … butt. It’s another morning, which means another sex fight is brewing.
We’re guessing Alessandra’s little bag of accessories didn’t get busted out?
“The relationship I have with Josh at the moment is super uncomfortable, super awkward,” Melissa vents to us.
Mmmhmmm Mmhhhhmmm. Do you think the fact you’re ambushing him with sex on national TV despite his repeated rejections is adding to the awkwardness, orrrrr?
They decide to sit down and talk it out in a very reasonable, even-tempered discussio-
“You have a problem with intimacy, Josh!” Melissa yells. “I’m living with you! I’m dating you! It’s uncomfortable! You don’t kiss, you don’t touch. I don’t know what is wrong. You can have sex, Josh – but you don’t know how to love!”
She has totally been rehearsing that last line in the shower.
Side note: Josh, that shirt makes you look like the purple Wiggle.
Josh escapes into the kitchen. “F*** this,” he whimpers, covering his face with his hands.
“I’m gonna speak my truth to every goddam woman in the world!” she declares.
Oh great, we eye-roll.
“Hallelujah!” Josh mocks, before whipping out an insult he knows will bruise his wife. “You don’t have the depth to you to understand anything other than sex!”
For a second, Melissa’s lost for words.
“I am not all about just sex,” she eventually answers. “That is so far from the truth, it hurts me.”
That’s when she decides to lob back her own insult.
“I feel like I’m too dominant for you and it freaks you the f*** out!” she spits. “It rocks something in you! Because — what? — you can’t keep up? Does it, de-man you? You’re the big man, you said!”
It’s around now the argument fizzles out, much like the batteries on the butt vibrators Alessandra gave the boys.
MAFS Australia is available to stream first on ThreeNow or on Three Sunday 7pm and Mon to Weds 7.30pm.
