Blime-fibe-eb. Photo / Channel 9
With only seconds left on the clock, this year's season of Married At First Sight is rocked by yet another cheating scandal that leaves one wife desperately screeching excuses that the rest of the group dismiss as being faker than Dan's teeth.
Why are we back here again? We thought the show had finished. All the couples gave their final decisions at fancy ceremonies last week — what more is there to do?
Well, this is the final dinner party. And there's actually a method to the madness. The contestants have all gone their separate ways for a few weeks, which means they've had plenty of time to overthink the experience and brainstorm better comebacks while re-imagining their arguments in the shower. Tonight, they're all given one final opportunity to dish out their refined insults.
"We've seen an incredible amount of conflict between people — for example, Olivia and Dom," expert Mel Schilling helpfully observes. "How's that going to play out tonight?"
Like a crapstorm, Schilling. It's gonna play out like a goddamn crapstorm.
Or maybe that's just us being negative. Perhaps time apart is exactly what Olivia needed to gain perspective and change her attit-
"Dom's just a drain of a person," she eye-rolls to us while getting ready for dinner.
Okay. Well, just because Olivia's still being toxic doesn't mean everyone else is. Tonight could actually just be a fun evening where we all kick back and enjoy each other's company with no dram-
"Since final vows, I found out Tamara tried to get with another husband while we were actually still in the experiment," Brent breathlessly tells us.
"It started with a few text messages while we were still together. Tamara didn't waste any time trying to meet up with this person. I read the texts. I saw what he wrote. I saw what she wrote. If he didn't write back, she'd then follow up call. She was definitely quite keen.
"From the way she reacted with the Daniel and Carolina cheating scandal, I think she's a hypocrite and she needs to be called out for it."
Alrighty. So. How long is it gonna take for Brent to publicly expose Tamara? And will she care? When we check in on her, she's still hung up on the fact that Brent dumped her at the final vows with the phrase "good riddance". Turns out, she still doesn't quite know what it means.
"I'm having fun. I guess I am having good luck and I have been good riddance," she assures us.
Two people who aren't basking in good riddance are Dom and Jack. While they left the vow ceremony together, they've since broken up.
"It kinda fizzled," Dom sighs. "I really tried — I organised a dinner. I'm left very confused."
Huh. Seems vague. Any more details, Jack?
"I don't know what happened," he shrugs.
Well, it sounds like you both tried incredibly hard. And Dom's open to rekindling the flame at the dinner party.
"The great Justin Bieber said it himself — never say never," Dom nods.
Ah, yes. The great Justin Bieber — right up there with Maya Angelou.
Anyway, hopefully tonight Tamara is able to spritz Dom and Jack with some of her good riddance and they fall in love again.
Oh, we also get the heads-up that Mitch and Ella are back together, after he dumped her in a swamp.
"We're back, baby," Ella beams.
"And hornier than ever," Mitch adds.
"We had some time to get back to our roots … his roots … root," she winks.
"You're really playing the horny bride card, aren't ya?" he smirks.
In my mind, Ella and Mitch are just a young Kath and Kel.
At the cocktail party, all the lunatics from the series roll up.
"I came to the experiment to find love," Holly tells us as she bounds inside. "I told the universe I was trying. It didn't happen — but never say die. From the experiment, I learned just to believe in myself."
That's not entirely true, Holly. You also learned what pegging was.
The biggest surprise of all comes with the arrival of Dion. He has traded in his high heels for sneakers — so we don't hear him clip-clop clip-clop down the hallway before bursting into the room. We're also disappointed that he isn't wearing a sequined novelty blazer tonight. Fame has changed you, Dion.
Tamara drags Olivia and Samantha away from the group and they huddle together like bitter, drunk witches on the sidelines, casting spells on everyone.
"When I start my OnlyFans account, I'll ask her for tips," Tamara mocks Dom before turning her thoughts to ex-husband Brent. "I hate the smell of him."
Samantha shows her friend support by offering physical violence. "If he says something to you, I'm gonna smash my glass in his face."
When everyone is herded into the dining room, Al gets way too excited because the producers finally let him use big boy cutlery instead of the plastic Sesame Street dinner set he usually has to eat off.
Meanwhile, Brent's feeling restless. He can't wait to expose his ex and he's waiting for just the right moment. Maximum impact is what he's going for — catch her off guard when she least expects it. So he makes up a fake game. The rules? One-by-one, everyone at the table will reveal the most negative moment they endured during the experiment.
He throws to Tamara. She begrudgingly plays along and says something about missing her dog. Then Brent swoops in with his big reveal.
"Was the negative not the fact that you tried to pick up Mitch when we got out of the experiment and he rejected you?" he announces.
What unfolds is a convoluted half-explanation from all parties.
"When you texted me, I was hanging out with Brent every day," Mitch, the recipient of the alleged texts, tells Tamara, the alleged texter. "And I just felt the need just to [tell him it] was playing on my mind."
Tamara snaps into defence mode.
"That wasn't even me! Sam was there as well! That was our mutual friend — invited Mitch and her," she stumbles, and we gather she means she was out with the girls and one of her friends wanted Mitch to come along.
Brent adds another piece to the puzzle, and it feels like this story is being told through fragmented witness accounts.
"When he said he didn't feel right about it, didn't you jump in and say, 'Just so you know, I feel no feelings for Brent whatsoever and I know you're with Ella but blah blah blah. So you should really come — it'll be a good time'. I saw the messages," he says.
Later on, Brent assures us the messages weren't as innocent as Tamara claims.
"She tried to get with another husband," he scoffs. "Mitch rejected her. Mitch told me straight away. She's going [to say] it was for friends, but I've seen every text message — it wasn't for friends."
Tamara resorts to a lot of screeching before finally declaring: "I didn't invite Mitch to dinner! I thought Mitch and Ella broke up!"
Any thoughts, Mitch?
Then Selin decides to weigh in.
"You just put your foot in your mouth!" she yells at Tamara. "You just said you thought they broke up — so clearly you were really just tryna get in on it! She wanted a piece of Mitch!"
All the lunatics start banging the table with their palms and jeering.
Tamara's humiliated. And to make matters worse? Al leans over and burps in her face.
We don't spend nearly enough time on this alleged affair. Why isn't Mitch pulling out his phone and showing the screenshots as evidence? Without the receipts, the group loses interest and all of a sudden we wind up in another argument about the nude photos.
"Why won't you apologise to Dom for the photo?" Holly begs Olivia.
"Because I'm not sorry," Olivia shrugs.
Jackson has become increasingly intolerable over recent weeks. And tonight, while defending his wife's decision to share the intimate pictures, we see a side we do not like.
"It's on the internet! Google it!" he booms across the table, mocking Dom and making faces. "It was on there! How intimate is Google?"
Jackson, we're this close to cutting up your clothes and mailing them to you in the post.
Now seems like an appropriate time for Olivia to jump in with more OTT claims.
"I have felt personally and physically unsafe in your presence," she tells Dom. "You literally stood across the table and fashioned a f***ing weapon."
The statement — and this entire episode — is more ridiculous than Al trying to use this jug as a cup.
For the entire night, everyone has been ignoring cheaters Dan and Carolina. They shouldn't have even come, but they were desperate to rub their relationship in everyone's faces. Plus, they want a fight.
First, Dan tries to demand an apology from Mitch — for what he said at the boys' night — but gets laughed at. Then he decides to have a go at Dion.
"Ya fake, mate," he shakes his head at the man whose wife he stole.
"I'm fake?" Dion's eyes bulge at the accusation. "Mate, your teeth are more fake than anything I've ever seen in my whole entire life! Where'd ya get those done? Bali for $2?"
And just like that, Dion finally gets revenge. All with a kick to the teeth.
MAFS is available in NZ on Three and ThreeNow
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