Hey, Brent, we know you're upset, but if you could start clearing away some of the empty plates, that'd be super. Photo / Channel 9
Hey, Brent, we know you're upset, but if you could start clearing away some of the empty plates, that'd be super. Photo / Channel 9
Married At First Sight's Blair Waldorf-wannabe wife moves on from leaking nude pics to exposing sex secrets on Sunday in a move that leaves us more baffled than Tamara whenever she's asked what her husband does for a living.
The voiceover lady declares it's the final boozy dinner party ofthe year but we don't believe her because, like many of the husbands and wives on this show, we've been strung along with false promises before.
Still, if it is truly the final dinner party, then we better use up all the remaining scraps of drama before they spoil and go to waste, like milk. The only difference is that, regardless of expiry dates, the MAFS drama is always putrid.
"I'm gonna miss the arguing and complaining," Mitch sighs from the back of the sponsorship Suzuki as it careens towards the dinner party.
The nostalgia's kicking in already. Like Mitchell, we're also gonna miss the arguing. But, most of all, we're gonna miss the tacky blazers.
Dion would be proud. Photo / Channel 9
Tonight's dinner party theme? Sheer exhaustion. After three months, the MAFS lunatics are at rock bottom. They're tired, cranky and their digestive systems are out of whack from all the sponsorship microwave meals they've been forced to eat.
As a result, everyone is snappy and irritable. At the dinner table, while Domenica thanks Selina for apologising earlier in the day about her involvement in the nude pic scandal, Olivia and Tamara start jeering from the sidelines.
"Selina," Tamara glares. "Why did you apologise? You didn't need to do that."
"You had a lot to say about Brent before all the other women came," Dom gives Tamara a knowing look.
"I have to say, Tamara was speaking of Brent in not positive ways," Ella corroborates. "It wasn't nice things."
Olivia swoops in to downplay the claims.
"Were you at a different table?" Dom screeches in disbelief. "She pretty much shat on him for 20 minutes!"
"No I didn't!" Tamara screams, pretending to be shocked at the accusations even though she knows they're true. "Why would I sit there and s*** on Brent?"
"She absolutely did not!" Olivia shakes her head. "What exactly did she say that makes you think she was s***ting on Brent?"
OK, first of all, the phrase "s*** on Brent" is being thrown around way too casually.
Secondly? Let's do an instant replay! Last week, when the girls entered the restaurant that Brent co-manages, Tamara rolled her eyes and belittled her husband behind his back.
"I think he waits tables," she laughed. "He says he's a restaurant specialist. I have no f***in' idea. I think he makes s*** up to sound good. I have no idea what he does. I think he's just a hospo person."
Dom recalls the slap-down almost word-for-word.
"Apparently Brent works here but I actually don't know what he does here – I think he serves tables," she recalls to the group.
Brent is stunned. If he were the waiter at tonight's dinner party, he'd spit in Tamara's carbonara.
"Seriously?" his voice goes high-pitched. "That's what you've taken from this whole relationship? I serve tables? In three months of being with me, you think I serve tables? You haven't listened to a word I've said! You treat me like a f***in' ***head!"
We almost expect Tamara to respond by tapping her empty glass with an acrylic nail and asking him for a refill.
Hey, Brent, we know you're upset, but if you could start clearing away some of the empty plates, that'd be super. Photo / Channel 9
He shoots up from his chair and storms out, tossing his wedding ring on the table. It tings and clinks against the plates and glasses.
"She's rude, she's f***in' nasty. She s***s on me every chance she gets. She s***s on everyone!"
Yeah, um, you all need to start using a different phrase.
Looking to pivot the drama, Olivia decides to zone in on Dom.
Dom starts launching half-thought zingers that fail to land while Olivia keeps making sassy facial expressions and rolling her neck.
Channel 9 should get these two to debate topical issues on the Today show. Photo / Channel 9
"Domenica's a terrible person," Olivia informs us. "She's the root of a lot of evil in this experiment. Domenica is gonna talk about Tamara s***ting on Brent but she's done a thousand times worse to Jack and he probably has no idea. And I'm not gonna let her get away with it."
"What about week two when you were in my apartment in front of all of us girls saying Jack can't f*** you right because he c*ms too quickly!" she yells across the table.
Of course the cameras cut immediately to Jack.
Is this true, Jack? Photo / Channel 9
Sheesh. Sorry, Jack. Remember how embarrassed you were when Domenica told everyone you don't flush the toilet? This has gotta be more humiliating than that.
Now, after Olivia's outburst, tonight couldn't possibly get any worse. Ha! That's a lie. There's always one sure-fire way to supercharge the toxicity of any MAFS event, and that is to pull out The Sledge Box.
No one leaves the dinner party unscathed. The Sledge Box prompts Domenica to tell Jack she doesn't quite see a future with him. Then Ella's left in tears as Mitchell continues to be Mitchell.
At first we're disappointed that the producers haven't snuck in a question card for Tamara, asking her what Brent does for work. But they redeem themselves by setting up Olivia to be crushed.
