We're gonna need a thousand of those necklaces. Photo / Channel 9
The Married At First Sight wives rampage through a posh Sydney bar on a boozy night out that quickly descends into a feral screaming match complete with name-calling while their husbands behave like complete gentlemen at a low-key soiree across town.
Ha. Lies. The men get just as trashy.
Who thought it was a good idea to release the MAFS lunatics into the streets? In one fell swoop, the lives of innocent civilians are put in danger and the reputations of two local restaurants are completely annihilated. All their drinkware's probably chipped now, too.
The annual boys' and girls' nights have crept up on us again. Each year, we think the City of Sydney is gonna step in and ban the event on account of public nuisance. But, as always, the producers find a loop hole.
Imagine this: you're walking down the street, minding your own business and enjoying the pleasant autumn weather, when a herd of Married At First Sight contestants start stampeding toward you.
I'd run into oncoming traffic.
The boys and girls are taken to separate bars. And producers have gone out of their way to troll Tamara by organising the ladies' night at a restaurant her husband Brent co-manages.
Now, if you recall, Tamara has a lot of disdain for Brent's career. Why? Because she believes anyone who works in hospitality is simply a waitress and nothing more.
"I think he waits tables," she rolls her eyes to the other girls as they enter the venue. "He says he's a restaurant specialist. I have no f***in' idea. I think he makes sh** up to sound good. I have no idea what he does. I think he's just a hospo person."
So what can we expect tonight?
"I just wanna have a few drinks and, like, have an actual girls' night where we're supporting each other and being there for each other," Ella smiles.
We snort-laugh until we realise she's serious. Naw, Ella. That's very sweet. But absolutely no one would watch that episode. Now, please welcome one of this season's controversial rejects, Selin!
Selin enters the bar to shocked gasps. After antagonising everyone earlier in the series, she's back to raise hell. And tonight, the producers have fed her vague rumours to help stir up trouble.
She proudly tells the other ladies she has worn an evil eye necklace to ward off drama. Too bad the others aren't wearing matching necklaces to ward off Selin.
"I wanna know what happened at this retreat," Selin smirks, trying to ignite an argument about the glass smashing.
Dom and Olivia stare at the table and refuse to engage.
"I reckon we leave the retreat in the past, darl," Samantha tries to change topics.
Selin widens her eyes and acts perplexed at everyone's hesitancy. "But that's all I wanna know!"
The others chime in and tell her to leave it in the past. And when Selin protests more, they all continue private conversations, ignoring her like a bratty child.
"Hello? Guys!" Selin whacks her palms on the table repeatedly. Then she starts tapping her glass with a utensil.
"It's not the past for me," she argues. "I legitimately wanna know what happened!"
Clearly the producers offered her a Red Balloon voucher as a reward if she successfully ignites another fight about the glass smashing.
"It's really insensitive," Tamara snaps, sitting in the restaurant that she thinks her husband is a waitress at.
It's this slap-down that plunges girls' night into the sludge pit.
"Ya know why I wore this evil eye?" Selin points to her necklace. "To protect me against the b******."
A hushed silence falls around the table
" … Did you just call me a b****?" Olivia glares.
"Yeah, I did! I said, b******," Selin repeats herself.
Selin turns to Tamara to articulate a very important message. "You're being rude! You're being rude! Like, you're being … rude."
Tamara shrieks. "You're being rude!"
Ugh, jeez. It's like a repeat of Tamara and Brent's never-ending fight about who's more moody.
"Lecturing us like you've been here as long as we have — no you haven't!" Tamara screams across the table.
Yeah! She doesn't even go here!
"That doesn't make you better than me!" Selin spits back. And then, she pulls her signature move: pivoting the argument by firing off an insult about something completely unrelated. I also use this tactic in my personal life and performance reviews at work. "You know what? You just wanna keep yelling like you do to Brent! You've led him on!"
Reminder: Selin left the experiment after, like, 12 days. She doesn't know what has been going on with the remaining couples since she left. But if you wanna win an argument, you've gotta be willing to just make up facts and hope they're true.
"Led him on?" Tamara repeats the accusation. "Have you been here?! No, you haven't, Selin! You haven't been here to see anything, Selin!"
Selin doesn't let the fact she doesn't know what she's talking about deter her from continuing the fight. She simply pivots the argument again with another unrelated point.
"All I wanted to know was what happened at the [couples' retreat] and you didn't wanna open your mouth — this is probably your issue," she smugly concludes about Tamara. "And, look!" she points, "you've got your back to me!"
"Because I can't be f***ed listening to you!" Tamara screams.
Selin looks away with a bemused expression, like the outburst was completely unprovoked. "God, Tamara, get over it," she dismisses.
Tamara scrunches her face. "No, I'm not gonna get over it!"
"Well then why are you yelling?" Selina offers yet another response that doesn't quite make sense. "You're not list-en-ing! You need to list-en! That's what I seen, Tamara. And I'm sayin' how I seen it."
Just like that, Selin stumbles upon her perfect Real Housewives catchphrase. I'm Selin, and I'm sayin' how I seen it.
Now, it's just a free-for-all. Samantha jumps in to take a swing — shooting Selin down with a truth that cuts close to the bone.
"Babe, you didn't sleep in the same room as your partner," she slyly recalls of Selin's tumultuous marriage to Anthony on the show.
Well, Selin is gobsmacked. Only she's allowed to bring up people's failings tonight! "Mate, don't!" she whines. "Why are you bringing that up?!"
Tamara waves her arms in the air. "WHY ARE YOU BRINGING THIS UP???!!!" she yells. "F*** you, Selin!"
Meanwhile, at a pub across town, the boys' night is off to a more classy start:
Then we hear the clip-clop, clip-clop of high heels coming down the hallway. Ooh! Maybe the girls are gonna make a surprise appear-
"I'm baaaack!" Dion saunters into the room.
You know what this party's missing? The guy who stole Dion's wife.
Producers wheel in Daniel, who announces the secret affair he started with Carolina has continued to flourish in the outside world.
By now, Mitchell's incredibly drunk and decides to take the reins on the Dion-Mitch feud.
He turns to the cheater and stares at him.
"You're in love with that p****, hey bruh?" he sneers about Dan's girlfriend Carolina. "You're in love with that p****!"
The weird jabs don't stop.
"Oh, you're not wiggin', are ya?" Mitch snipes. "You're not wiggin', are ya? You're wiggin', ay. Ya wiggin', bro."
Mitch, if you don't stop saying the word "wiggin'", we will seriously commission Olivia to hack into that nude pic vault on your phone.
"Piss off, brah! F***in' peasant," Mitch taunts as Dan gives up and walks out into the rain.
The only nice thing in all of this is that Jack's wearing Domenica's green flower ring on his pinky.
Back at the girls' night, Samantha, Olivia and Tamara break away down one end of the table and bitch about Selin — complete with impressions and funny voices — while Selin literally sits within earshot, death-staring them while eating a taco.
"Do you reckon Anthony's soul is in her weird necklace?" Samantha mocks Selin's jewellery before bursting into laughter. "I'm sorry, I'm such a c***!"
Just wow. This night couldn't get more disgustin-
Oh, hey, Carolina and Jess have arrived!
Uh-oh. And now the other girls are telling Jess that the husband she left after three days ended up stealing Carolina off Dion.
Look, it shouldn't be an issue. These girls seem very reasonabl-
"Apparently you're f***ing my ex-husband?" Jess glares at Carolina.
It's around now we call it a night. We'd love to stay and see how long it takes for another glass to get smashed, but we've gotta go put Al to bed.
Regardless, all the girls will be giving this restaurant a one-star rating on Google reviews. The service was terrible! Not once did Brent bother to swing by their table and take their order.
MAFS is available in NZ on Three and ThreeNow
River Haven features a cafe, vineyard, wellness space, and The Bugger Inn pub.