The day after Carolina dumped Dion in a spray of insults, the other couples returned fire. Video / Three
A Married At First Sight wife who will forever be known as Bondi Beyonce is mercilessly mocked at Wednesday night's dinner party by people who can only be described as a buncha Cronulla Kelly and Michelles.
If none of this makes sense, welcome to the MAFS universe! A topsy-turvy place where the booze flows like a river and all bad behaviour can be blamed on being a fiery Latina.
You better pull out your pencil and amend your MAFS dictionary to include "Bondi Beyonce". It can slot in alongside "blime-fibe", "handbag biscuits", "junk food platter", "wine straw", and "King-Ding-A-Ling".
It's the day after Carolina dumped Dion in a spray of insults. Tensions are high. They'll be attending tonight's dinner party separately, so the race is on to see who can arrive first and trash-talk the other.
"I'm doing the Celine Dion tonight: All By Myself," Dion tells us.
Huh. Are you also wearing Celine's blazer?
And, just like Celine, there'll be at least three wardrobe changes through dinner. Photo / Channel 9
Of course, the producers lock Carolina in the sponsorship Suzuki and drive her around the block for hours to ensure she arrives late, thus allowing substantial time for Dion to turn the room against his wife.
He tells the other couples all the mean things she said to him. We even hear fun new stories about how she'd blast rap music in the early hours of the morning to wake him up, and how she refused to go to Bondi with him in case some of her Instagram followers saw them together.
But Dion proves it to us by asking his wife to confirm it over dinner when she eventually arrives.
"Did you not say to me that you wouldn't come to Bondi with me because you've got 60,000 followers and you don't wanna go down there because you might be seen?" he recalls.
Carolina doesn't bat an eye. "That's exactly what I said."
It's so offensive. Who wouldn't wanna be seen with Dion? He'd fit right in around glamorous Bondi, with his high heels and Celine Dion blazer.
Portrait of a married couple. Photo / Channel 9
Our other dinner guests go nuts.
"I'm premenstrual and I'm about to lose my sh*t at this b**ch," Dom fumes. "I literally cannot sit here and just listen to dumb stupidity."
Why not, Domenica? We do it with you lunatics four nights a week.
Married At First Sight is an empire built on a foundation of dumb stupidity. Photo / Channel 9
"Babe, yer not Beyonce," Dom yells at Carolina. "Not everyone in Bondi is gonna know who you are if you're goin' for a walk with Dion. The guy wanted to go to Bondi, and if you're so famous in Bondi-"
"I never said I'm so famous in Bondi!" Carolina shoots back across the table.
"Yes, my ex was a cheater — but even he did everything that I've ever asked for," she spits.
Jack raises an eyebrow. "Apart from cheating on you," he mutters.
We're enjoying this sassy side of Jack. He's really got his confidence back after being publicly shamed for not flushing the toilet.
Sensing the tension in the room, Adult Toddler Al decides to step in and provide a circuit breaker:
Don't act like this screenshot of Al diving onto the table requires any more context. Photo / Channel 9
Now's probably a good time to check in with Al's full-time carer, Samantha. Like all busy mums, she needs a drink at the end of a long day of child wrangling.
#MumLife Photo / Channel 9
Soon enough, the conversation comes back to Carolina. So, Bondi Beyonce wants to go solo, huh? Why? What was she looking for in a husband, anyway? Wait. No. Stop. Don't answer. We already kno-
"I like going to the gym and he doesn't like going to the gym!" she screams, yet again.
"Breakfast is my favourite meal but he never eats breakfast — not even on Sunday!"
Is this true, Dion? Do you refuse to eat brunch? And why did you not make this known in your clinical evaluation upon entering this esteemed experiment? You're basically a catfisher.
When the group asks Carolina what kind of husband she'd be attracted to, she gets shy.
"No, I'm not doing that," she bats away the question.
Look, we get it. Answering this question would just be rude. Besides, she still has more insults to hurl about her husband's taste and personality.
"He doesn't drink coffee and he listens to 80s music!" she screams.
It's around now Bondi Beyonce starts to realise she may not be coming across in the best light. So she lets out a relaxed laugh and tries to downplay the tantrum.
"I'm Latina, I'm fiery!" She states what has become her go-to excuse for bad behaviour.
In the basement, the experts observe their Frankenstein in terror.
"She's using it too loosely — the 'feisty Latina' thing," sex expert Alessandra cringes. "Are you kidding, chica?"
Don't pretend you three didn't personally engineer this. Photo / Channel 9
We're exhausted from watching Bondi Beyonce trash her husband. We need a tone change. Ooh! Kate's trashing her husband Matt!
"He walks around with no top on, yawning, for about an hour in the morning," she complains to everyone as Matt sits within earshot.
"I just think I'm starting to dislike him more every second, to be honest. He's actually just starting to give me the sh*ts tonight. To be honest, after tonight, I don't think I want to talk to him ever again."
Wow. Just this morning, Matt surprised her with expensive perfume. It has done nothing to mask her foul attitude.
"It's pretty clear Kate's not into me," Matt sighs to us.
No! What gave you that idea?
Fuelled by the support of the group and the individual carafe of wine he has consumed, Matt finally confronts his wife about the way she treats him.
Her response? She basically quotes Carolina and tells him she wouldn't wanna be seen with him in Bondi, either.
"I have given you a chance — and what I've gotten to know over the past two weeks, I haven't really liked," she says through a fit of huffs and eyerolls. "It's kinda just ya personality at this point, if I'm completely honest."
And Kate knows a lot about poor personalities. She has one herself.
Matt's humiliated. He and Dion should start a club.
Now, where's Al? This dining table could do with another body-slam.
This is the moment Kate audibly groaned after her husband said he enjoys her company. Photo / Channel 9
• MAFS Australia is available in NZ on Three and ThreeNow.
