The Married At First Sight cheating scandal escalates on Monday night in an episode that has more walk-outs than Dion has high heel shoes and spangly accessories.
It's brazen and outrageous. And we could all be forgiven for missing the sorta-affair tonight, because it's a whole evening of people storming out and storming back in again. We've actually lost track of who's now on the show.
One husband even throws a hysterical fit and lashes out at the camera crew, declaring he never wanted to be filmed in the first place — here, on Married At First Sight, a reality television show about people who throw hysterical fits on camera.
Things are still in a rocky place for Jessica and Daniel since last night's commitment ceremony. But they manage to put their differences aside and arrive at the apartment they'll be sharing for the next few weeks. Things might just work out for them after all.
"Maybe this is the perfect time to tell you … I'm leaving," Jessica shrugs.
Before Daniel can even comprehend he's being divorced, Jessica's grabbing her still-packed bags.
"Daniel says I'm running away," she fumes. "I'm not running away."
Exactly. She's not running away! Mainly because her suitcases are really heavy and she can only walk at a moderately brisk pace while they trail behind her.
Daniel's distraught. He finds comfort by eating a microwave meal while standing up.
Well, now Daniel's marriage is donezo, this frees him up to finish stealing Carolina from her husband Dion. The seed was planted at the last dinner party, where they shared a flirty moment. Now, we see that seed sprout.
This isn't like the sordid MAFS affair of yore — the ones that played out in secret texts and behind closed doors. No. Times have changed. These days, the MAFS lunatics invite us all in to watch.
"Cheers to broken marriages," Dan smiles.
Carolina flicks her eyes away with a smirk. "I'd like to think mine still has a chance."
But this is just something she has to say so she doesn't feel guilty. Kinda like when you bitch about your friends behind their backs and you preface the rant with, "I love her but, honestly …"
Carolina then unleashes about her husband. She has been doing this a lot. Her big pet peeve is his yen for high heels, but tonight she delves deeper.
"He doesn't go to the gym, he listens to 80s music," she cringes. "He's never been to the gym."
Dan smirks. "Like, ever?"
Carolina shakes her head. "I think never."
Hey, hey — guys, c'mon. This is just being mean now. Let's not shame each other. Everyone's different. And we all know wearing high heels actually gives you a pretty good calf workout — so, depending on how you look at it, Dion's just being very efficient with his exercise.
After smugly comparing workout schedules, Dan asks Carolina what qualities she asked for in a husband when entering the show.
"Tall guy, nice smile, nice teeth," she rattles off the list.
Dan smiles and then recites the Married At First Sight mantra: "My teeth are porcelain."
Yes, we're all aware Daniel. They were probably made by a 3D printer.
Carolina continues her husband wish list. "And I asked for someone who I can have a good time with."
Dan clinks his glass into hers. "And have a wine with?"
"What are you trying to do here?" she giggles and covers her face. "This is so bad, oh my god."
Dan shrugs. "All I know is, I'm gonna be around Sydney for a bit … hanging out."
This is where Carolina cuts the night short and decides she better leave. Maybe she's feeling guilty. Or maybe she just heard high heel shoes clip-clopping down the hallway outside and got freaked out that it was Dion.
With his attempts temporarily batted away, Dan only has one thing left to do: steal all the sponsorship microwave meals from the fridge and hide them in his luggage before moving out.
Meanwhile, Mitch has commenced his mission to freeze out Ella, after she blindsided him at last night's commitment with ... you know ... her feelings.
He's outraged that he was put in front of a camera and made listen to the opinions of experts on a TV show that he signed up for.
"I don't wanna get caught up in all this TV bullsh*t drama," he waves his hands in the air, providing us with excellent TV bullsh*t drama.
"I dont wanna talk to these other 18 d**kheads! This experiment is brutal and toxic!"
We know! That's why we love it.
"I'm f**kin' done," he fumes, pulling his shirt up to rip the mic off. "Dude this is f**kin' ridiculous, there's f**king cameras outside filming me walking out! It's stupid man."
Then he breaks the fourth wall and antagonises the TV crew. Honestly, it's outrageous. These innocent cameramen and producers have done nothing but diligently document his unravelling for our own personal entertainment. Show them some respect, Mitchell!
He's not done with the arm flailing. "Camera's in my face is not what I like. It's rubbish, it's toxic. It's ridiculous why you guys are filming me."
Yeah, cameramen! What is it, your job to film him? Back off you vultures! You're all vultures!
Ella's left in tears on the couch, distraught that she has lost her chance at love. But she shouldn't worry. We can just pair her up with one of the unwanted grooms, like Dion. He's a catch! You can share high heels.
But before we can set up the new couple, Mitch storms back in and proposes an ultimatum: he will remain in the experiment a few more days and then decide if he wants to leave.
Clarification: Mitchell will do exactly what his contract states and then decide to leave at the commitment ceremony that takes place at the end of the week, as scheduled.
"I just hate other people's opinions," he shakes his head.
Hmmm. He probably won't like it when we send printed-out copies of these recaps to his house, huh?
After all this drama, we need to kick back and relax. So we send VHS tapes of this show to Domenica and Jack's parents and then lock them in an old movie theatre where the families Skype in on the big screen to shame their children.
"Oh my god, the period sex! Domenica!" Dom's mum booms over the surround sound speakers while Jack's mum just looks disgusted to even be involved.
While all this is going on, Carolina is forced to spend time with her husband Dion. It's brutal to realise that everyone but him knows his wife is lusting after another man. Producers don't wish to inflame the situation further. So they pull out the Hot Or Not challenge.
With all the headshots of the other husbands splayed out across the dining table, Carolina's gaze lingers over Daniel's photo.
"I do like his vibe," she tells us privately. "It's a bit of a bad boy vibe … he's very tall … and my husband wears heels."
Well, let's be fair — he only occasionally wears heels. Today he's just wearing flats … from Carolina's closet.
To throw her husband off the scent, Carolina places Brent in first place, followed by Dan. But then, she realises she has to rank her husband. We're genuinely concerned she's going to place him last, which would just be heartbreaking. But Carolina's not cruel. No way. She places him third … last.
Dion's flipping out, and rightfully so. It's a punch to the guts to hear his wife doesn't think he's attractive.
Carolina tries to settle him. She says it's not just his looks. It's also his personality.
Hand on heart, I'm not embellishing. That's what was said.
This Hot Or Not challenge really puts a spring in Carolina's step and, at the end of the episode, we see her skipping off for a secret rendezvous in the only location she thinks her husband will never go: the gym.
You know, maybe Mitch was right. Maybe this show is toxic.
The film explores themes of survival and humanity during societal collapse.