I've got no joke for this situation. It just hurts. Photo / Channel 9
Warning: Sexual content
A Married At First Sight wife is forced to educate her frightened husband about a sex taboo that terrifies him on Wednesday night in an episode that quickly morphs into Healthy Harold: After Dark.
Relax, this isn't about Andrew and his well-noted fear of pegging. But the groom in question is just as scared. He practically runs out of the room while squealing.
And we squeal, too. This whole episode is uncomfortable to watch. More uncomfortable than salty lubricant — another fun topic that comes up tonight.
Down at Jack and Domenica's apartment, things are right on schedule.
"The intimacy has just gone to sh*t," she declares to us.
Domenica, c'mon. Dr Trish may have been eliminated from this show, but you know we still pronounce it as un-tuh-muh-say.
"He's not willing to have sex with me at the moment and clearly I want sex more than he does," she vents.
Well, hon, if you just want sex, you should go down the hall to Andrew's joint. He loves sex! Can't stop talkin' about it. But don't be surprised if he only refers to you as 352. Or if he gives you a detailed performance review afterwards.
"When we went to bed, I felt like you weren't really giving me anything back," she confronts Jack in the kitchen.
Jack gives the camera a sideways glance and shifts uncomfortably on the spot as he realises all of Australia will be witnessing this conversation.
"I mean …" Dom powers on, "I don't know if this is the case but … it probably scared you because I said I was on my period. You were just like ugh, ugh, ugh, ugh! I think you were kinda scared — be honest. You wouldn't know what to do."
Annnd there we have it.
Jack has never been more aware of the TV cameras until this very moment. He pretends to fold the tea towel just to avoid making eye contact with anyone.
He realises he's not getting out of this conversation. "Look..." he sighs. "...It's a new ball game for me. I've genuinely never had sex with anyone on their period before. I dunno, in past relationships it's never really been a thing — when she was on her period we never really had sex and that was just normality."
But Dom is not interested in the preferences of her husband's past girlfriends. To borrow Andrew's catchphrase, Dom Wants Sex. (It's not as catchy as Tex Wants Sex, but the sentiment is the same.)
"I'm not putting that much pressure on you — like, I'm willing to have sex," she reiterates. "Like, I don't know how hard it is."
Jack keeps pretending to be preoccupied with fake-tidying up the kitchen — picking up utensils and placing them down in slightly different areas.
"I would like to have sex with you!" Dom states loudly. "Is it that hard? I feel like the biggest s*** in the f***ing world!"
It's around now Jack becomes completely overwhelmed and begs for mercy. "We are beating each other against the wall," he raises his palms in the air.
We know what's about to come. In five, four, three, two …
"Well at least someone's walls are gettin' beaten!" Dom yells.
Well, according to Andrew: not very.
In need of urgent advice and with nowhere else to turn, Jack calls on the services of the only two guides he has access to: Jackson and Al The Adult Toddler.
"So … we slept together on the first two nights … and — this is a little bit weird, but — I've never slept with someone on their period before," he shares with the assembled brains trust.
Jackson stays stony-faced in an effort to not make his friend feel more embarrassed than he already is.
Al giggles.
"Wait, so she wanted to have sex on her period," Al grins.
"Which is fine," Jack cuts him off. " … but I stopped trying because I wanted to take a step back … I was like, 'All right, she's on her period, I'll give her some space'."
Al nods. "Ohhh, of course — they get moody and sh*t."
Wow, you're a real fountain of wisdom, Al. You should teach.
"It's been a no-go zone for me in past relationships," Jack says.
Jackson takes a deep breath and stares off into the distance. "I've done it before," he lets out a sigh, recalling the memory like he's just returned from war. "And it's a big thing to get your head around. It's not something you plan … it's just, like, in the heat of the moment."
Jack stares at the floor and gulps. It's time to head into battle.
One couple that isn't haven't any trouble is Mitch and Ella. The experts immediately step in to mess things up.
They're issued a task and told to write a list of hard-hitting questions for each other. The aim is to delve deeper and get to the core of their souls.
Of course, Mitch hits it out of the park with his questions. Honestly, he should write Leigh Sales' political interviews.
"Where's the craziest place you've ever had sex?" he asks his wife.
Ella's unimpressed and we're not surprised. It's a ridiculous question. Mainly because we all know the answer is "on Married At First Sight".
She sighs. "Probably just … like … the ocean."
"In the water??" he exclaims.
"Yeah, the ocean," she shrugs.
Mitch grimaces. " … How'd you … lubricate? Bitta salty lubrication up there? That'd be no good, wouldn't it?"
OK, looks like we're gonna need to send both Mitch and Jack some educational pamphlets.
"What's the most embarrassing thing that's ever happened to you?" he poses a hard-hitting follow-up.
Again, Mitch, we all know the answer to this question already: "Having to talk about salty lubrication on national TV".
Down the hall, there are problems brewing of a different kind for Selina and Cody. The un-tuh-muh-say has remained at a standstill ever since Cody told his wife he wasn't attracted to her.
All Selina wants is to know that her husband's into her. She'll do anything — even if it means tolerating salty lubrication.
It's clear that this couple is in a sensitive state. So the experts decide to inflame the situation even more by forcing them to do the Hot Or Not challenge.
Selina tells us how she was bullied in school for being Asian and that she doesn't like judging people on their looks. But she does the task and places her husband in the number one spot.
Cody looks around the room uncomfortably. He wishes his wife hadn't placed him in the number one spot — because now the pressure is on him to do the same.
"The sensible thing to do would be just to put you at number one," he tells her. "But that's not what I'm going off. I'm being honest."
How … kind of you?
He picks up his wife's head shot and places it second-ish in the line-up.
Selina holds back her tears.
But the experts are still unsatisfied with the level of destruction they've caused. Another task is rolled in — the hard-hitting questions challenge.
There's only one thing Selina wants to know.
"Is the lack of interest, attraction and affection due to my nationality and look?" she asks her husband.
He thinks about his words for a second.
"I think it did … honestly … have something to (do) with it initially," he replies. "I'm not racist by any means — but it's not something I'm familiar with. Like, to be honest, short answer: It probably did. Like, I am attracted to you. As long as you understand that there's nothing about that that's stopping us from progressing the relationship. It's not something that bothers me or I'm worried about. It's just not something I've ever normally gone for. You're a gorgeous girl and I keep trying to reiterate that and I hope you are starting to realise how much I do care."
The answer leaves Selina distraught.
"I can't change that I'm Asian," she sobs. "So embarrassing."
It's awful to watch. We're heartbroken for her. I personally wanna take to the streets right this very second and start scouting for potential new matches to pair her with.
"I feel horrible. I feel terrible," Cody tells us. "I definitely feel like I have f***ed up. I'm super remorseful to have made those initial comments. They've come out the wrong way. Selina's nationality, ethnicity, however you wanna phrase it, it's not a big deal."
We never thought we'd say this but, before delivering his answer to Selina, maybe he should've summoned Jackson and Al to the living room and consulted The Brains Trust.
After all, their advice worked for Jack and Domenica. Now we just need to get them to guide Andrew through his fear.
Golding highlighted her dedication and professionalism.