REVIEW:
The "shock confession" promised in the promos for Married At First Sight's Sunday episode is a total fizzer but gets accidentally saved when the husband who's on the receiving end of the original revelation ends up making a shock confession of his own behind his wife's back.
"It's the shock confession that no one saw coming — that leaves the room speechless," the voiceover lady teases about the initial confession ahead of the commitment ceremony.
We know never to believe the voiceover lady. She's always off the mark. Still, we're just happy to be compensated with a better shock confession that somehow flew over the voiceover lady's head. Ooh, and the experts also eviscerate an innocent victim tonight. This last-minute moment in the episode is like a free gift with purchase.
One week into their marriage, we're all curious to see how things have developed between Matt and Kate.
"I feel buoyant," Matt beams. "I find her incredibly attractive. I'm incredibly keen on her."
Wonderful! And what about you, Kate?
"I'm just not feeling it," she winces.
Well, it sounds like everything's right on track.
Expert Mel Schilling steps in to explore the issue.
"Did that feel like a rejection for you?" she asks Matt, trying to coax him into saying the words "I feel rejected" so producers have a good sound bite to put in the promo.
"It did because I don't usually get those reactions," Matt shares. "I tend to be successful in relationships and picking up women."
We have no doubt about this. After all, Matt has proudly told us that he walks around nightclubs handing his business cards out to hot people.
Kate sighs and tells us she's just not feeling herself.
"I'm usually a funny person and I usually love to joke around and I love to laugh at everything," she says.
Now, Kate, we can't attest to this because we've only ever seen you acting like a wet cat. But, if you're looking for a laugh, may we suggest your wedding photos?
Aiken takes a big long sigh and squints. "Kate, can I just point something out? You've been matched with a guy who finds you attractive. That's a good thing."
Exactly, Kate. Aiken has made an excellent point that applies to everyone: Be grateful for what you've been given and just sleep with any person who finds you attractive, even if you don't like them.
And with that wisdom, both Kate and Matt decide to stay.
Next, up, Selin and Anthony. They spend most of their couch time rehashing the fight about how Anthony keeps putting his feet on the coffee table and we don't even want to hear it.
Honestly, these petty squabbles are just getting old. We want you to talk about more substantial things — like how he wanted to go halvsies with the Macca's receipt.
But before we can even get there, Anthony taps out and reveals he's leaving the show to go home to his daughter. Selin's not offended. After all, she has also chosen to leave. But of course she takes some artistic licence and adds a touch of passive aggressive flair to her decision card:
Are we all ready for the shock confession fizzer? Prepare to be disappointed.
Ella and Mitch roll up to the couch and tell the experts they've made a big decision: after the experiment, if they still wanna stay together, Ella will move to the Gold Coast to live with Mitch.
Ella seems super excited! So the experts promptly step in to crush her spirit.
"You wouldn't be open to moving for Ella?" sex expert Alessandra shoots Mitch a look.
He shrugs. "Probably not."
Ouch. Well this sounds like a sensitive issue that should be worked out between the couple and the experts in privat-
"Uggghhhh babe!" Domenica calls out to Ella from the sidelines, inserting herself into the problem while flailing her arms around.
"I'm vibin' ya, I can feel your energy and I just know, like, I dunno, like, there's just something there that you wanna say but you're not sayin' it."
By now, Aiken's bored and decides to just run with whatever Dom's crapping on about.
"I'm gonna give you something that perhaps you're not gonna like," he says to the couple while glancing at the time on his watch. "I agree with Domenica. I get a sense that there's things going on underneath that you're not talking about. What do you need from Mitchell that you're not getting?"
When she ums and ahs, Aiken leans forward and death stares her. "Do you think you're good enough for him," he says slowly, again trying to coax these lunatics into giving a half-decent sound bite to use in the promo.
"Um … no," Ella says softly.
We're not entirely sure, but we think this is supposed to be the shock confession we were promised. Look, it's a confession. But we're not shocked. Especially when Selina and Anthony and Dion and Daniel and Matt are kinda all in the same boat with their partners making them feel like they're not good enough.
Mitch breaks down, mainly to stop the experts from dragging him.
"I didn't realise I made her feel that way," he sobs. "I don't want her to feel that way. It's crazy. I just don't think I've said anything or done anything to make her feel like that — so I just don't understand that."
Really? 'Cause, we'd like to draw your attention to that ugly moment two weeks ago where you slapped down your wife and swore at her in public and then basically said she was just someone you had sex with.
Now Mitch is afraid the experts will wheel in a TV and do some instant replay of that old footage, so he cries harder.
"She's enough!" he wails. "She's enough!"
Aiken steps in and offers more keen insight by telling them they've simply been pretending everything was perfect when it's not. Ah, duh. It's called marriage.
Both decide to stay and the tears dry up the very second they're off that couch. Mitch is fuming. In a secret direct-to-camera interview afterwards, he unleashes. He can't believe his own wife publicly threw him under the bus, Selin-style. He was blime-fibe-eb, Tracey Jewel-style. He plans to get payback, Tex-style.
"She's saying now that she doesn't feel good enough," he spits. "She's never brought that up with me. And yet she's bringing it up in front of all these idiots on the couch. And it made me look like the bad guy. I haven't done anything to make her feel that way. It's just ridiculous."
He then tells us the cruel way he'll punish his wife — by freezing her out, without warning.
"I will take some time off the relationship … call it there for a few days," he stares witheringly into the camera. "And then see how I feel."
Now this is an actual shock confession.
It seems perfectly reasonable. Totally not excessive. In fact, maybe he should go harder. Yeah! Wait 'til she's asleep and then Veet one of her eyebrows off!
Mitch's vengeful ways have suddenly made tonight really negative and we need to lighten the mood. Ooh, thank god — Dom and Jack are up and they'll probably fight about the unflushed toilet again.
Jack's still mortified that his wife publicly shamed him for the bathroom mistake and he tries hard to dance around the subject but the experts play dumb and demand the dirty details.
"She was bringing up something that, at the time, I was embarrassed about," he explains. "There was a couple of times I did not click the button on the toilet and it did not flush properly."
While he tries to maturely discuss the issue, Dom can't even keep a straight face.
Jack then reveals the fight about the unflushed toilet got so bad he went and moved into a separate apartment for a few days.
Firstly, why were we never informed of this? The producers know their only job is to keep us informed about the whereabouts of all the MAFS lunatics at all times.
Secondly, we're glad Jack got the space he needed. And because he was living by himself, he could just keep not flushing the toilet without being nagged about it.
Okay, decision time. Are they gonna stay or are they gonna flush each other?
Of course they stay. Nothing unites a couple more than an unflushed toilet.
Speaking of toilets, the marriage of new couple Daniel and Jessica continues to swirl around in one.
After everyone attacked Jess at the dinner party for being mean to her husband, it'll be great for this troubled couple to talk it out and get some professional help from the exper-
"You completely ignored him! Of course that makes him feel sh*t!" Dr Dom calls out from the sidelines again, completely uninvited. After a lot of stuttering and gasping, she blurts out "she's got some hide!" before throwing back to the experts.
That's the thing about Dom: She really loves launching an argument, but then she loses steam and doesn't quite know how to land it.
A producer swoops in and locks her out in the hallway so we can all get some peace and quiet.
The experts ignore everything Dom just yelled out and allow Daniel to talk.
"Certain things throughout this past week have made me question whether Jess takes me seriously," he says. "Or if she even likes me as a person. She said I have no balls, that I'm a little b*tch. That I [only] tick five out of her 10 boxes."
A placid Jessica sits quietly and nods, diligently confirming that she did indeed say all those things.
"I called him a little b*tch," she perks up. "I don't remember saying [he has] no balls, but I remember saying 'little b*tch'."
"Why'd you call him a little b*tch," John Aiken squints.
Daniel shifts uncomfortably on the sofa, silently wishing everyone would stop calling him a little b*tch.
They rehash all the events that led up to Jessica throwing the insult at her husband and we zone out because we already lived through it.
Then we snap back to attention when Jessica pulls a 180 and starts insisting that she really likes Daniel and thinks he's a great guy. She doesn't even pretend to dry barf while saying the words.
Huh … maybe she is a nice perso-
"I'm going to leave," she holds up her decision card.
Well, that's not entirely up to you, Jessica. Daniel reveals his card and decides to stay in the experiment, thus cancelling out his wife's decision and locking them both in hell for one more week. We all chant at the TV: "Ya trapped!"
And Jessica isn't the only one getting trapped tonight. Turns out, Selina and Cody will be hanging around another week to keep her company.
Producers have saved their couch time until the very end. Usually this is a sign that something super interesting will happen, but we're pretty sure everyone just forgot about them.
It's the same old stuff. Selina's still upset about the time she asked her husband for a hug and he refused to touch her. These Sunday night commitment ceremonies are just reheated leftovers from earlier in the week.
We hear about the rejected hug and rewatch the footage of Cody ignoring Selina as she sobbed next to him at the table during the last dinner party.
This relationship is toxic. They clearly need advice from the professional exper-
"Why aren't you trying?!" Dr Dom yells out from the sidelines, yet again.
Selina is clearly hurt and distraught about the way her husband has treated her. But in a twist, the experts refuse to offer sympathy and instead start hounding her to list all the ways in which she has contributed to the downfall of her crappy relationship.
Selina's baffled. She says all the blame is on Cody. He has literally iced her out and refuses to touch her. Plus, there was that time he told her he's not attracted to her. And even after all this, the woman was so desperate to impress her husband, she happily agreed to Veet his butt! SHE'S TRYING HER HARDEST, GODDAMMIT!
"How do I have my wants and needs neglected because someone can't show any empathy?" she cries.
Schilling cuts in.
"Let's be really clear," she says sternly. "We're not asking you to neglect your wants and needs at all. What we're after here is equity. And at the moment, we're hearing that the accountability for the problems in the relationship, Cody, you're owning some of them. Selina, you're not. And we're trying to understand if that's the reality. So it's back to you — what is it that you're doing that's contributing to the trouble? Because it's obviously on both sides, it always is."
Selina stutters and Mel jumps in again. "How? How have you contributed to the problems?"
Selina shakes her head and tries to understand how the blame is now on her. She looks around, frantically waiting for Domenica to interrupt from the sidelines and defend her but the help never arrives. "I'm just very confused at the moment."
It's MAFS, hon. We're all confused. But this showdown is particularly confusing. And just when we think it couldn't get more confusing, Schilling starts referring to Cody as "Codes".
The face-off isn't over.
"You don't sound confused," Schilling shoots back. "You sound like you're saying all the problems are caused by Cody. Is that right?"
After Selina's grilling ends, it's time for the decisions and we know exactly how they'll go. We even predict the twist.
Of course Selina decides to leave. She knows her husband isn't interested and she doesn't want to be neglected any longer. It's humiliating and heartbreaking.
And Cody?
"If I was giving advice to one of my mates in this position and I could see they were unhappy and it's not really working, to be brutal, I'd probably say, 'Leave, get out'," he says. "But I weighed it up. I wrote a very shy 'stay'."
And just like that, they're trapped.
We know why Cody decided to stay. We've seen it before on this show. The guy makes it clear he's not interested in the girl — but he doesn't wanna be the one to quit because he'll look like a jerk, especially if her decision is to stay. If he was just honest, they could both be out of their misery now.
Instead, they're trapped. And from the looks of it, they're super enthusiastic about it:
• MAFS Australia is available in NZ on Three and ThreeNow.
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