MAFS
Married At First Sight's adult toddler has thrown an embarrassing tantrum while wearing jean shorts and dumped his wife before running out into the dark wilderness.
Without a word of a lie, that's perhaps the most accurate sentence that has been written in these recaps all series.
It's hard to get huffy when you're wearing jean shorts, but Billy does his best. The tantrum is a slow burn that begins at brunch and, honestly, who hasn't picked a fight with a partner who they hate while in front of their friends at a cafe over bottomless mimosas?
We're at that point in the series where Channel 9 is just torturing us with endless flashbacks and drawn-out storylines.
Honouring my duty of not burying the lead and only including the most important information in order of priority, here is a plate of party pies in Tamara's kitchen.
In the middle of nowhere, Susie and Billy continue to hate each other.
Susie's house is on an isolated six acres and we're genuinely worried about what could happen here. To make matters even scarier, Susie's dad who has similar vibes to a well-worn Russian Sesame Street puppet jolts through the front door. We all shriek.
Billy's at breaking point and the dad agrees his daughter is kind of a punish. Susie can't believe and she locks Billy out of the house again and eats all his Maggie Beer ice-cream while staring at him through the glass sliding door.
This pushes Billy over the edge.
"Her attitude disgusts me. It is absolutely disgusting the way she treats me. It's just a mind f**k. I'm not here to be bullied," he cries.
Susie also starts crying but we don't know why.
It's around this point we'd usually check in with the other couples but honestly they're doing nothing.
Like, here's Mark wearing a child's bucket hat.
And, after Nic was kicked out of the house and forced to sleep on the front lawn yesterday, Cyrell only now notices he's missing.
"I just told him he's a waste of space and to pack up and go home!" Cyrell's brother Ivan yells.
"That is overboard!" she screams back. And that's a bold statement coming from Cyrell. After all, this is the same woman who mildly choked Martha when Martha was just trying to relax and enjoy a hydrating face mask.
Anyway, Cyrell and Nic don't exactly break up but he leaves and we don't really know what happened.
Back in the middle of nowhere, Billy meets Susie's girlfriends over brunch and tells them all how terrible she is. Honestly, it makes sense. As the old adage goes, brunch is the most tumultuous meal of the day.
Susie's friends can't believe Billy has become so bruised from their friend's endless string of insults. They defend her and says she's just a bubbly gal and this sets Billy off.
"She surrounds herself with enablers!" he screams in the middle of this cafe. "She's difficult! She's nasty! And I can't stand her!"
He storms out of the cafe and waits in the carpark for Susie to finish because they came in her car and he can't just catch an Uber because they're literally in the middle of nowhere. Oh, I almost forgot the best part: he's wearing jean shorts and when he strops off, all her girlfriends giggle.
"They love her for what she is: A rude, obnoxious, nasty woman," he spits to us as he kicks the gravel.
Susie ignores him all the way home. She knows it's irritating him even more and he's seconds away from exploding. When the arrive home, she politely asks that he please leave the premises. They're hours out of town and there's nowhere for him to go.
He decides now is the time to put Susie in her place.
"You are ging to listen to me for the first time," he stutters.
"No I'm not," she snips and then goes back to ignoring him.
"That's ya problem Susie! You don't listen to anybody!" he yells, and I love having this argument with partners where you yell about what each other's problem is. "You surround yourself with people who dilute you. That's why you have a bad attitude and bad behaviour and that's why you will not find a nice man. I'm trying to help you, my dear. But you're a brat!"
In keeping with her bratty persona, she continues to ignore him. Billy needs to shut up because he's really not good at arguing or at implementing a harsh take-down. It's like watching a toddler trying to fight but they don't really know enough words yet.
"You know … beauty is only skin deep. And … And some day you're not … gonna look as good as you look right now … my dear," he stumbles.
"You and me are done! Completely over! This experience has been one of the worst in my life!"
Susie honestly just wants him off her six acre property. Billy stomps out of the room in his jean shorts. Moments later, he stomps back in holding his bags and still wearing jean shorts. It's embarrassing to witness.
The screen door slams and the cameras go handheld. He runs across the lawn in the dark of night in his jean shorts and with no shoes. He has nowhere to go but he doesn't care. Being alone and shoeless in the wilderness is better than being around Susie.
Suddenly, he stops. He closes his eyes and huffs. He has forgotten something. After making such a bold exit, it would be humiliating to go back. But he really doesn't want to leave without this item.
The screen door slams again and he stomps past Susie. He stops again. Now he has forgotten what exactly he came back for. He'll look like an idiot if he just leaves again empty-handed. Glancing around, he spots a random container in the kitchen and grabs it before running back out of the house.
He reaches the front gate and the soles of his bare feet land on the gravel road. Instantly, he remembers again the item he forgot: Shoes. Dammit. That's what he went back for. Can he go back a second time? Not even adult toddlers are that foolish.
Film distributor A24 used this to promote Celine Song's 'Materialists'.