MAFS.
A Married At First Sight husband has gone on an explicit behind-the-scenes tirade, launching another C-bomb scandal for the show and leaving his shattered wife to sob hysterically in a stranger's filthy bathroom.
Indeed, more cantaloupes are thrown tonight. If you don't know what that means, we're not backtracking so get up to speed here.
A humungous fight happens in the dark of night between Mick and Jessika. There's no footage, which is weird because this is a reality show and we basically saw that virgin have sex for the first time but no one bothered hanging around to catch this blow-up on film? Whatever, we'll just take it upon ourselves to fill in the blanks.
Round two is quickly launched and all the details of Mick's brutal slag-off are revealed.
"It's f**king disgusting!" Jessika screams.
This statement could be about Mick. Or it could be about this pizza box with a condom wrapper in it.
But the condom pizza isn't Jessika and Mick's problem. It's Dan and Tamara's. I don't want to get caught up in frivolous details, but flavoured condoms are just weird. After a detailed investigation, I believe this "sonic berry" flavoured condom comes in a pack that also features a cappuccino flavoured condom. Who wants cappuccino breath during sex?
Anyway, more issues come up for Dan and Tamara when they go meet his mum and sister on the Gold Coast.
"Do you find him sexually attractive?" Dan's sister asks Tamara, and it's not at all awkward or inappropriate to ask this at a family barbecue.
Tamara doesn't realise that, when you meet someone's family, you need to be on your best behaviour and not talk like an unaware reality TV contestant.
"I need someone who's gonna be all about me," she squints. "I need my man to froth me. I am a very jealous person."
Dan's mum decides to start dropping subtle burns.
"You're probably a little insecure," she eye-rolls.
Dan and Tamara bugger off and his mum articulates in great detail what she thought about Tamara.
"Nup," she snips as she picks up her phone to Google what "froth" means.
She makes Dan aware of her thoughts and, because Dan is a very good boy, he does what his mum says. He's been unsure about Tamara anyway.
"If Tam doesn't ramp up the affection game it's not gonna work," he tells us.
But when we roll up to Dan's place the following morning, we find the condom pizza. And when we bust into the bedroom, they're mid-argument.
We've missed most of it, but basically Tamara is wondering why Dan isn't affectionate with her and he says he's just not feeling it.
"Me coming onto you and cuddling you and kissing you would only be lying and giving you false hope for now," he explains, as they lay wrapped in their rank sex sheets.
Tamara can't believe it.
"Okay, so, last night when you came onto me and we had sex. You were lying?" she asks.
Tamara is not about it. We can see it's a highly emotional situation for her and, if we cared more, we'd stick around but we don't so we dash across town to check on Mike and Heidi.
They're having drinks and Mike's in the middle of telling her there's a chance, way down the track, that he could maybe, potentially, love her and then she throws a tantrum and it becomes the government housing story all over again. We run out of the restaurant before Heidi spots us and we quickly dash up to Gympie to see what trainwreck is unfolding at Mick and Jessika's.
Apparently a huge fight has happened. Finally, something interesting. It's weird though because for some reason the blow up wasn't caught on camera, which is very unhelpful. We wish Dino was there to secretly record it.
"Mick made comments about my family and how they were acting at our wedding!" Jessika cries to us.
"Mick said that my father was a bit rude to some people at the wedding. He called him a drunk. He then proceeded to call my brother a f*ck head. And then Mick said, 'Oh your sister and your best friend, they were *****."
The whole word is bleeped out, but it's obvious what he said. Mick has pulled a Bronson and called them both cantaloupes.
Our suspicions are confirmed by Mick himself.
"They were basically acting like twats. I might have said the brother's a f**k head, the dad's a drunk. I may have used c**ts on the girls. But this is what happened at the wedding. These are facts," Mick tells us.
Whoa. Bold move. Jessika's dad's a boxer and her brother has face tattoos. You've got to be brave to go around talking smack about people with face tattoos.
Mick and Jessika don't talk all day. Jessika's furious. She can't even look at him, but they already had plans to go to Broxy's crap shack for dinner and it's too late to cancel. Remember Broxy? The guy who made the gross best man speech at their wedding? Well he makes us feel super welcome.
"I cleaned the toilet today. And I cleaned the poo off the veranda," he drawls.
Thanks Broxy, we feel right at home.
"Enjoyin' ya self?" he asks Jessika.
"Ah, for the most part, yeah. I am generally enjoy-," Jessika says before cutting herself off and slapping her hands down on the table. "Argh! I can't do this now!"
A producer jumps in: "What's going on?"
Jessika begins sobbing and walks inside.
"I can't be fake on camera," she cries and we audibly scoff.
She finds Mick in the kitchen. Unfortunately, we remain seated outside with Broxy but the microphones pick up everything.
"You don't talk like that about someone else's family! It's f*ckin' disgusting," Jessika blubbers.
" … Alright," Mick shrugs. He doesn't understand what the big deal is. Who doesn't say mean things about their partner's family? In laws are insufferable.
"The sad thing is I genuinely liked you," Jessika continues and, again, we scoff. "Like, I actually had my cards set on you. Up until that. It's so disrespectful. If I sat there and called your mum a f**khead-"
"But she's not," Mick cuts her off.
"It's f**kin' disgusting. You're a f**kin' wank," she spits.
Mick laughs at her and she runs into the bathroom. Broxy's earlier claims about having cleaned the bathroom today are swiftly debunked.
"I can't sit here and do this. I don't wanna be here anymore. I want nothing to do with him, I hate him!" her cries echo around Broxy's filthy bathroom.
Producers make her return to the balcony against her will to front Mick.
We've got to catch something decent on camera tonight.
"Mick, I think we need to have a conversation," she tells her husband before pausing to stare at Broxy. "Alone."
Broxy is exhausted from apparently cleaning a toilet today and doesn't want to move.
"But it's my-" he begins to say before Jessika slaps him down.
"Alone!"
"To hear that you think my sister's a c**t and my best friend's a c**t and my brother's a f**k head and my dad's a drunk. It's so f**king rude and I can't believe you'd do that to me. I was so set on you, Mick," she blabbers.
Um, sorry Jessika, but it's our duty to point out that, just days ago, you went on a cheating spree and propositioned two married men in from of their wives and your own husband. So, nah, you weren't set on him. Not until you were publicly rejected, twice.
"Why say they're c**ts?" she asks.
"Because at the wedding they were! And at the wedding your dad was a drunk and your brother was a f**k head," Mick shoots back.
Sometimes you just can't argue with cold hard facts. But Jessika does her best.
"It's f**king disgusting! YOU are disgusting," she sobs.
On the freshly hosed-down back veranda at Broxy's, Jessika's marriage has fallen apart. She takes her ring off. Their union is swirling around the bowl of Broxy's unclean toilet.
It's a hideous location for anyone's relationship to break down. We'd rather make our morning coffee with a cappuccino flavoured condom.
Film distributor A24 used this to promote Celine Song's 'Materialists'.