KEY POINTS:
Formulaic, cheesy and over-the-top, Paul Holmes' latest venture with TVNZ was so bad, it was almost good. Almost.
From the moment Holmesy began strolling TVNZ's hallways, to a soundtrack reminiscent of Funkytown, you knew that Whatever Happened To ... ? (TV One, 8.30pm last night) was going to
be bad.
The following montage, of fire balls, go-go girls and David Bowie, simply confirmed one's suspicions.
A positively jovial Holmes took the stage, clearly happy to return to mainstream television, introducing the first "sensational event" of the night.
With Jason Gunn-like enthusiasm, Holmes told viewers to cast their minds back to 1990.
Cut to archive news footage of a burning petrol tanker in Manukau, where 12-year-old Shirley Young was trapped under the flaming vehicle.
As Holmes recalled the events of that night - the story of Young and her saviour, firefighter Royd Kennedy - a deliberately schmaltzy piano tune began to play in the background.
That tune would come back to haunt viewers throughout the segment, in a desperate attempt to add drama and emotion to an otherwise staid piece.
Royd, still sporting his trademark handlebar moustache, seemed largely unmoved as he discussed the harrowing night, 17 years ago.
"I knew she was a goner," he said in a no-nonsense way.
In true talk show fashion, Holmes then wheeled out the now 29-year-old Young, who appeared subdued and uncomfortable, to reunite her with her rescuer.
While Holmes was all too happy to discuss the rigours of getting Young on the show - Holmes had to go all the way to Huntly to persuade her - he seemed completely uninterested in anything she had to say.
As Young began to discuss the effects of the accident, saying she suffered from depression, Holmes glossed over the statement and swiftly changed topic.
"Do you? It was a big night Royd, wasn't it?"
Then it was onto a string of historical flashbacks, or whatever happened to be lying about in the TVNZ archive.
Starting with "Rollermania" of 1976 - when the Bay City Rollers came to New Zealand, causing hundreds of teenage girls to scream until they passed out - Holmes took a leaf out of Oprah's book, making the dreams of three female fans come true as he introduced them to lead singer Les McKeown.
Thirty-one years after their initial obsession, the ladies were somewhat subdued by the revelation, but still proved the best talent of the night, with lines like, "I'm trembling ... Slap me!" and "He's like a normal person."
The final half hour of the show was taken up by Geeling Ng, the Chinese model who starred in David Bowie's China Girl video clip; another trio of middle-aged women who were the gyrating go-go girls of C'Mon in 1967; and Ray Columbus and The Invaders who performed She's a Mod, 43 years after it topped the Australian charts.
It was hard to decide what was worse - the ageing go-go girls trying to re-enact their original dance routine; the ageing rockers trying to re-enact the "mod-nod"; or the ageing presenter trying to re-enact his role as a serious television interviewer.
