KEY POINTS:
Any wannabe star who has suffered the scorn of radio jock and talent judge Iain Stables would have positively revelled in his undoing in last night's return of Shock Treatment (7.30, TV2).
The show that tests celebrities' mettle found Stables unable to muster even a shred of the
stern stuff when he found himself, with fellow traveller Candy Lane, a recruit in a Jamaican boot camp.
But who knew the motor-mouth radio had such second sight? Perhaps he should have signed up for Sensing Murder instead.
Even on the way to the airport, he divined that having dished out to so many, maybe he was about to get his in return. "Captain Karma is about to come and bite me on the buttocks," he predicted, oh so blithely. He didn't have the rank quite right, but sure enough Fate had a military face, his karmic nemesis one unbending Lieutenant Nigel Gordon of the Jamaican Defence Force.
The Kiwi pair's delight at having found themselves in such an exotic destination, famous for its laid-back vibe, melted the moment they were dropped off at the gates of the Newcastle camp - an unlovely training facility where no one ever feels the "Jah, mon".
With a week-long dose of military discipline looming, Stables' and Lane's long faces were a picture. Where is the Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Celebrities when you need one?
For proof they breed 'em tough on the dance floor, we needed look no further than Lane's sterling performance.
Stables, pouting and refusing to get his hair cut, seemed to have mistaken the military exercise for the makeover episode on America's Next Top Model. A fresh start the next morning lasted only a few laps round the circuit before he was packing his bags, and bemoaning the novel experience of being a failure and quitter.
Anyone on the sharp end of a Stables' diatribe in future need only invoke his shame of being the celebrity who couldn't take it.
A simple "Squirm in your own slime, mon" or "Hustle, hustle! You are the dirt beneath my boots!" should have the shock jock in full retreat.
Lane, left with the field to herself, ran with it: she also jumped, leaped, crawled through slime, conquered the assault course and covered herself in glory. Call it Strictly GI Jane.
On her way to converting boot camp into a one-woman charm school, she more than gave those Intrepid Journeys a run for their money.
Even those of us who would normally rather squirm in slime than watch another celebrity reality show had to admit it pays to stay open-minded.