TV Eye: Better brand of star treatment

Jonathan

For those of us sick of the sycophantic shout-fest that Rove seems to have become, the arrival of BBC bad boy Jonathan Ross on Friday nights on UKTV is more than welcome.

Thank goodness for a host who doesn't simply drool over every word uttered by this week's star with a movie or album to promote, although in the celebrity talkshow genre it's impossible to avoid this entirely.

Perhaps it's his own problem with pronouncing the letter "r" that gives Wossy, as he's called, the edge in getting away with gleefully picking on the foibles of his guests.

Anybody who can quiz Tom Cruise mercilessly about flatulence and have the overly earnest star rolling - instead of jumping - on the couch, obviously has a special gift of the gab. And if it was a rather silly and puerile topic, it is also exactly what star culture, so full of hot air, deserves.

Tomorrow night's interview with William Shatner is one of the most hilarious I've ever seen. Ross revels in Shatner's surreal schtick and was the perfect counterpart for a man who seemed to be beaming in via the Klingons and Marcel Duchamp.

More absurdist, if nowhere near as comic, performances come courtesy of The Bachelor. In the final rounds of the season, the marriage market farce has come to New Zealand, where it managed to film the blight on the landscape that is Queenstown without actually showing one single development eyesore.

A feat of fiction as impressive as the three remaining women convincing themselves they are falling in love with the man who is publicly auditioning them for suitability as a partner.

Why grown women of independent means are scrapping over the chance to marry a guy who says things like, "the date went awesome", is hard to comprehend.

But then George W. Bush managed to find a spouse, proving we should never misunderestimate the power of the human mating instinct.

The stunning Kiwi scenery does its best but is barely a distraction from Jason's refrain of cliches - the women are "beautiful on the inside and out" (what, does he have a pair of x-ray specs or something?) and every gushing encounter with one of the lovelies is another "huge step forward" in the relationship.

There is further amusement in Jason and his potential brides' excursion to Adventure Central. On one date, Jason, high on a rocky eyrie, marvels at "literally overlooking all of New Zealand".

On another, Jason thinks it's great to be able to spend some time "with just the two of us and nobody else around". Er, except for the rest of the world via prime time television, that is. He's baffled and hurt that one of the women's parents didn't want to meet him. Just think, there are people out there who might think courtship should not be turned into a gladiatorial media event.

Meanwhile, the women are turning their emotions into an extreme sport, with their wild lurches from the heights of self-confidence ("I'm super funny, strong ...") to teary despair as they contemplate the humiliation of rejection.

At least the cameras don't follow Jason as he test-drives his potential brides over a night in a hotel "fantasy suite". Unlike Big Brother, the show has yet to spawn a late-night X-rated version, although surely, it can be only a matter of time.

Back out in the public eye, the Southern Alps are providing Jason with a host of excruciating metaphors. Love is like falling off a cliff, marriage is like a bungy jump etc.

If I could buy the happy couple a wedding present, it would be a date with Jonathan Ross, master of bringing folks back down to earth.