Let the record show we were standing on a hill, not a foot taller than Vinnie Jones. Photo / Discovery
Let the record show we were standing on a hill, not a foot taller than Vinnie Jones. Photo / Discovery
Entertainment editor Jenni Mortimer headed to the set of Three’s new show Tracked in an attempt to evade capture from special forces. Here’s what happened when a self-confessed wildness amateur took on the best trackers in the world.
As I was plunged into the Canterbury wilderness in my Mountain Warehousehiking boots, Kathmandu puffer and audible waterproof pants it struck me that I truly had all the gear and no idea.
I was about to get Tracked by elite special forces teams, alongside my teammates, broadcaster Paddy Gower and AM’s Mitch Redman.
We were sent off on our journey by an in-character Vinnie Jones - the show’s burly host - who put the fear of god in us when he blocked our path and somehow also caused us to erupt into giggles, like a pack of school kids being told off by their principal.
We are about to go through what the contestants of Warner Bros. Discovery ANZ new hide-and-seek format show endure: evading capture while trying to get to the extraction zone and avoid imminent death along the way - well, kind of.
Unlike the show’s actual contestants, we did have some extra safety checks in place, in the form of a guide - who we would later find out was Guy Cotter, the Kiwi legend who climbed Everest four times and is even portrayed in the movie Everest by actor Sam Worthington.
Guy Cotter has climbed Everest four times and works as an adviser and safety expert on the show. Photo / NZ Herald
So, while my comedically charged team may have had no idea what we were doing, we rightly trusted the genius that is Cotter with our lives.
The other difference between us and the contestants is our trackers didn’t have the help of the two military experts, psychologist Dr Alia Bojilova and former Royal Marine Dave Kassapian, who help the trackers figure out the contestant’s next move based on their mental and physical assessments. The pair are truly mind-blowingly talented, lovely and have intimidatingly good looks - a TV producer’s dream, really.
Had the trackers had their help in finding us, I am sure the hour we evaded capture would have been mere minutes. Deciphering where a person who spent $200 at outdoor stores the day prior might go is probably easier than finding a toddler during hide-and-seek.
As a trio, we decided that going off the path and entirely off the grid was the smartest move. Cotter was less convinced as we all continued to talk and ask him about his fascinating life, loud enough for people in the nearby township to hear.
Map skills proved to be one of the team's fatal flaws. Photo / NZ Herald
The thing about being tracked is you genuinely think you are sneakier than anyone could possibly imagine, even if you’re really doing nothing at all. You truly assume that if you just sat with a few palm fronds over your head and were somewhat quiet, nobody would ever find you in the remote bush and in fact, you might be so good at it that emergency services had to come find you after you went too deep undercover.
But you are nothing more than a sitting duck waiting and hoping that somehow these trackers and experts who are so fast and so talented might just make a mistake. But they do not.
When we were finally (if you can call 60 minutes of bad map reading and bushwhacking “finally”) found, the trackers flew out of nowhere like genuine ninjas and had us surrounded before I could even pull out my iPhone to film it or make an ill-fated attempt to outrun them.
While the contestants on the show are likely to get a starker and scarier reception, we greeted the trackers with a laugh and questions on how on earth they found the group who talked the entire time and had a plan so chaotic it was generous to call it a plan at all.
But the trackers, who remain anonymous due to still being in active service, are not to be messed with, carrying everything on their bodies that they needed to survive in the bush and flying through rough terrain quicker than the human brain could even process. They were frighteningly impressive, fit and honestly, probably the most dangerous weapon New Zealand keeps in its arsenal.
Guy Cotter, Jenni Mortimer, Paddy Gower and Mitch Redman. Photo / NZ Herald
While my experience getting tracked finished with a cup of tea and lunch - a truly delicious locally catered one at that - in a lodge with Vinnie Jones spouting off about a bad photo crop in Spy magazine, the contestants often finish their journey in tears - either of sorrow or joy.
The show pushes them to their limits, brings out the best and worst in the pair’s relationships and highlights their weaknesses, which are capitalised on by the tracking experts.
Would I survive on the show? Me and my all-weather boots like to think that our competitive drive would kick in and it would be an all-out war to get to that extraction zone first. But the reality is poor map-reading skills and a tendency to act first and think later would likely see me being medically removed from the game due to a bush parkour injury, or caught first due to unavoidable sound effects.
The experience was not for the faint-hearted and the show is set to thrill, challenge and be more than a little badass - if not for anything other than the extraordinary talent Warner Bros. Discovery ANZ has secured in the forms of the specialist tracking teams.
And in the essence of being a little bit sneaky, the Herald understands that the first episode of Tracked has already dropped as an exclusive teaser on ThreeNow, ahead of the season premiering on Three on Monday at 7.30. So run, zig-zag, or hide beneath some underbrush, but whatever you do, don’t get tracked.
